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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not wish MIL a happy birthday?

84 replies

bubblesforlife · 30/10/2019 16:10

Well that really.
I’m recently married and I’m not feeling the love from my new in-laws, in particular my MIL! We used to get on really well until I got engaged to my now DH. I then learned through a series of events that they (and she) were not as keen on me as we had originally thought.

During the wedding build up, day and afterwards, I found her cold and unwelcoming. I guess I didn’t make a huge effort to approach them either in the end, admittedly.

We live far away so I don’t see her often.

We used to text on each other’s birthday. I don’t really want to send that text anymore. DH has sent a gift and a card from both of us. He is is travelling to see her this weekend as it’s a big birthday.
Can I skip it from now on, is that mean?

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2019 14:54

Yes, just let it go. You were an adult today regardless of how she can be.

Nanny0gg · 01/11/2019 15:00

But she's sent you a pleasant reply!

What were you expecting?

Durgasarrow · 01/11/2019 15:09

Yes, texting is the minimum. Come on.

Itsallpetetong · 01/11/2019 15:18

Not texting is me being rebellious and showing her i'm not going to keep being nice when she doesn't try!

But she sent you a nice reply. Why are you already not wanting to send her a birthday text next year?

Myimaginaryfamiliarhasfleas · 01/11/2019 15:33

Texting was a very nice thing to do, and she sent you a nice reply. Perhaps there is hope for your relationship with her. OP. Give it time. She's going to be in your life for a while. I've known some very tricky MILs come round eventually!

SarahNade · 01/11/2019 15:38

Are people forgetting that the OP and her DH will be giving her a card AND a present? Sending a text - as well - seems way, way over the top are far too full on for comfort. I don't know anyone who sends people a card, and a present, and a text. It's sounds way too full on and almost stalkerish imo.

A card, and a present as well, should more than suffice. It did for decades before mobiles came into being.

Do not send the text. A card and a present is more than enough.

SarahNade · 01/11/2019 15:40

Ah, I missed where you already text her. Still, I think it is all overkill and too much, it would be different (maybe) if you were very, very close.

Morgomargot · 01/11/2019 15:42

I'd probably just send the text. Even if their behaviour to you is bad you don't have to reciprocate it. Send the text, it costs nothing.

SarahNade · 01/11/2019 15:44

@Durgasarrow Yes, texting is the minimum. Come on.

Didn't you read where the OP has sent her a card, AND a gift? Why does there need to be a text, TOO? A card is the minimum, or a phone call. A card, and a gift, AND a text is way above and beyond the 'minimum'.

ColaFreezePop · 01/11/2019 15:48

OP well done.

When you have children - her grandchildren - you will hopefully feel the benefit of trying to maintain a civil relationship with her.

NoSauce · 01/11/2019 15:53

Didn't you read where the OP has sent her a card, AND a gift

No, the DH sent a card and present from both of them.

SarahNade · 01/11/2019 15:56

No, the DH sent a card and present from both of them.

Yes, exactly. That was my point. She got a card and present from both of them. The OP is part of that. And that is how it has been done for decades and decades if not centuries.

NoSauce · 01/11/2019 16:02

I took from the OP that she felt like she should send a text herself because her husband bought the gift and card for his mother plus she’s not going to visit them when he goes.

In that situation a text isn’t above and beyond.

Freddiefox · 01/11/2019 16:23

Sounds to me that you like a bit of drama tbh op. It’s just a quick text nothing more nothing less.
Do you wish people happy birthday at work? Maybe people who you aren’t that close to? People who you may have disagreed with? Bet you do.

She’s your dh’s mum.. how would you feel if dh was creating a drama with your mum?

Just be kind

GertiMJN · 01/11/2019 16:27

If I've read ypur posts correctly, you've been in a relationship with your now DH for 6 years and until the engagement everything seemed fine. You used to text each other on birthdays etc.

The wedding was recent and you are still hurt by things tbat were said and done.

So you posted Maybe in a couple of weeks, I'll feel more motivated when I've come down from the excitement/exhaustion/overwhelming time which was a big white wedding

Now you are saying "do I have to text every year" ....as if predicting ongoing problems rather than focusing on rebuilding what had been a positive relationship.

You have had more good years than bad. None of us can know what changed that but it's either so heinous that you can't forgive, which is massive if you are going to have kids etc.

Or go with your previous thinking that you both may feel differently over time.

Do you really want to burn your bridges so readily?

Original poster

bubblesforlife · 01/11/2019 18:21

Not sending a text is hardly going to burn bridges, now that’s a bit dramatic!
A card and gift will always be sent from us, so the text is extra, it’s me just being nice, like I always am to her, regardless.
Not sending it this year might just have been a gentle reminder that I’m may not always be nice, as being nice is a 2 way street. Considering she hasn’t been too nice to me during my recent wedding to her DS, (which is really shit by the way for both DH and I) sending a text being nice and acting like everything is ok may send her the message that her behaviour is acceptable, thus her continuing with it.

The word ‘nice’ is overly used in my response!!

OP posts:

sonjadog · 01/11/2019 18:27

You are seriously overthinking this. I doubt she is reading all that into a text. It is a year until next time, forget about it and think about it again then.

Itsme93 · 01/11/2019 18:36

If a gifts been sent then no need for a text

AmIThough · 01/11/2019 18:42

'I may not always be nice' sounds like a threat. Stop being so immature. Her response was pleasant, let the bitterness go.

pikapikachu · 01/11/2019 18:42

The text has been sent.

I don't think it's OTT considering that it's what you normally do and because you can't attend her overseas party.

You did the right thing imo- you can now forget about her birthday and wonder what she'll do about Xmas

Original poster

bubblesforlife · 01/11/2019 18:44

There’s no overseas party, it’s just a surprise visit by my DH.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 01/11/2019 18:45

If I’m being honest here you don’t come across as someone that’s nice when you don’t mean it OP.

I think MIL has you sussed out.

HakunaRattatas · 01/11/2019 23:33

You are hard work.

tillytrotter1 · 02/11/2019 00:49

You and your MIL sound to be two of a kind! Hope you're enjoying the view from the moral high ground, to be honest a text is almost an insulting way to wish someone Happy Birthday.

timeisnotaline · 02/11/2019 00:54

She replied politely, that sounds win win. It was the right thing to do.

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