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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not wish MIL a happy birthday?

84 replies

bubblesforlife · 30/10/2019 16:10

Well that really.
I’m recently married and I’m not feeling the love from my new in-laws, in particular my MIL! We used to get on really well until I got engaged to my now DH. I then learned through a series of events that they (and she) were not as keen on me as we had originally thought.

During the wedding build up, day and afterwards, I found her cold and unwelcoming. I guess I didn’t make a huge effort to approach them either in the end, admittedly.

We live far away so I don’t see her often.

We used to text on each other’s birthday. I don’t really want to send that text anymore. DH has sent a gift and a card from both of us. He is is travelling to see her this weekend as it’s a big birthday.
Can I skip it from now on, is that mean?

OP posts:

sonjadog · 30/10/2019 16:53

I would send a text. You have many years ahead of you with these people as your in-laws. I’d try to avoid escalating any bad feeling now if you can.

Original poster

bubblesforlife · 30/10/2019 16:56

I got engaged to her son and we have no plans to move back local (small rural town) to her which I know hurts her! Nothing else changed, just her attitude! When eventually confronted I stood up for myself and for my now DH, an assertive side she had never seen from me in our previous 6-year relationship! She used to rely on DH for a lot for support (called and text a lot!), but that changed, but she changed that, not DH!

OP posts:

purplepalace · 30/10/2019 16:59

Be the bigger person and send the text, especially considering it's what you've Sheard done in the past.

Then if she ignores your birthday next time you can reevaluate.

mankyfourthtoe · 30/10/2019 17:02

I'd send a boring text to which she can't complain about.
Just happy birthday name

Then you were nice but not gushy

NoSauce · 30/10/2019 17:06

Obviously there’s a lot gone on because you used to get on well as said in your OP. She could be the evil, selfish MIL or one that is hurt that her son has moved away and isn’t as close to her as he once was.

Only you know what’s happened and whether she deserves the text on her birthday.

EKGEMS · 30/10/2019 17:08

NoSauce Congrats! That was a spectacularly awful and nasty post!

Original poster

bubblesforlife · 30/10/2019 17:11

@nosauce I think it's the latter, mixed with a lack of emotional intelligence and lashed out at us in a rather nasty way after we got engaged. You would think because he has moved away you would try and build bridges, not create further divides!
People, eh?

OP posts:

NoSauce · 30/10/2019 17:15

NoSauce Congrats! That was a spectacularly awful and nasty post!

Don’t be so wet.

mbosnz · 30/10/2019 17:17

The thing with inlaws is, you didn't choose them, and they didn't choose you. But hopefully your marriage is going to go the distance, and if that is so, you're all stuck with each other for the duration.

Obviously feelings have been running high, as they often do around weddings and substantial changes in family dynamics, and things have been said and done, that it will take a while for everyone to recover from.

But the best way for this to happen, is for everyone to try a little harder, and to pay heed to the niceties. You can only affect your own behaviours, obviously.

I've been married 25 years, with the man and his family (and his family with me!) for 28. There have been some very rocky times, some very harsh words, and times when they've annoyed me intensely, and I've annoyed them intensely - especially around the time of the wedding! But we're stuck with each other, and DH loves us all. So we've all mellowed a bit, and with a bit of time and distance, I've also been able to see my part to play in some of the times, maybe they have too. We all rub along tolerably well together now.

NoSauce · 30/10/2019 17:17

OP only you can decide whether it’s the right thing to send her the text as you know what’s happened. You sound very annoyed still by it all so maybe it would be best to leave it this year and see how things pan out over Christmas and beyond.

Hopefully they will improve and you can all get back to where you once was!

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2019 17:19

What do you want, eventually - well firstly to strike the right balance between being fair and kind... and not wanting to be the one grovelling to someone in a permanent flounce.

Only you know how a text will be taken - as something further to pointedly ignore, or as a simple polite birthday wish.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2019 17:25

I have to agree with some other posters, by sending a text you may help with the future relationship with her. It costs you nothing and if nothing else saves you from being the person who couldn't be bothered accusations.

Alltheprettyseahorses · 30/10/2019 17:25

Will you be starting a similar thread if/when she ignores your birthday in return? If so, send the text.

HakunaRattatas · 30/10/2019 17:27

I guess the question is, do you enjoy drama and tension? If you do then you definitely should not send a text. If you did you would risk working towards an amicable relationship which would never do.

If, on the other hand, you are over the age of 7 and don't feel the need to make a mountain out of a molehill then just take 7 seconds to write a quick text and send it. I assume you love your husband as you married him? She's his mother and he clearly doesn't feel the need to go no contact so why make things more awkward for him? Why not make his life easier by taking such a small action that won't hurt you? (This would apply if the sexes were reversed before anyone jumps on it).

Applesanbananas · 30/10/2019 17:32

Do the same thing that shes doing. Send her a text but just a generic, 'cool' one. In that way you are doing the right thing but on your terms.

Bluetrews25 · 30/10/2019 17:33

I'd grit my teeth and send it, to be the better person (which you seem to be!)
Just wait until she has to do a 180 turn in attitude if you should become pregnant. Silly MIL. No forethought.

RopeBrick · 30/10/2019 17:37

Jeez, send her a text. How petty.

RibenaMonsoon · 30/10/2019 18:02

I'd just send a plain happy birthday text. Be the bigger person, plus she won't be able to use your lack of text to badmouth you.

JasonPollack · 30/10/2019 18:07

Send the text. Petty not to. She's going to be in your life a long time!

TwiddleMuff · 30/10/2019 18:14

Be the bigger person. What have you actually got to lose by sending the text? She will look very petty when she doesn’t reciprocate on your birthday etc while you continue to be the adult.

OwlBeThere · 30/10/2019 18:17

It’s a text. Just send it

Tistheseason17 · 30/10/2019 18:35

You've sent a card and present - thats fine. It would be weird to get a text from someone you don't get on with and may actually come across as a bit passive/aggressive if she is in that frame of mind.

BillieEilish · 30/10/2019 18:48

How old are you FFS?

Send the text, actually, if she knew about this thread, she would say 'don't bother'. She probably doesn't want to hear from you. Her son is who matters and he is making the trip to see her.

Pay heed to this.

Wonkybanana · 30/10/2019 19:13

Send a brief text this year. The wedding is very recent - you can re-evaluate next year, but it's easier to come back from if you've sent one than if you haven't. Wishing you a happy birthday should do it. Anything more (eg have a lovely day) and if she's feeling that way out she can grumble that you wished her a lovely day but couldn't be bothered to turn up, even if she really wouldn't have wanted you to be there. It would just be something else to have a go at you with.

Your DH seems to have your back, and actually her reaction to your text - which she'll surely tell your DH - will give you an idea of how to go forward.

Original poster

bubblesforlife · 01/11/2019 14:48

I sent the text!!!
She hopes 'all is well with me' in her response!!

I'm not trying to be petty by asking this, I'm genuinely trying to work out if I have to text her every year when my heart just isn't in it given her behavior! It's a small thing, but I'm tired of being the bigger person in this relationship! Not texting is me being rebellious and showing her i'm not going to keep being nice when she doesn't try!

OP posts:

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