To be furious with DSS!

[nevermindimfine]

DSS is being really difficult at the minute, really kicking off at DH. Saying that he isn't a dad, more like a friend or uncle. Refusing to see DH etc.
it's breaking my DH as he constantly feels torn, can do no right. He took the dog out yesterday and I was genuinely worried he wouldn't come back. DH found out at the last minute that DSS had a school presentation (he wasn't receiving anything) DH had plans to celebrate a major milestone with my family. DSS told DH that wasn't a good excuse for not being there. My husband is broken and I'm furious that this child and his mother are putting him through hell, for no good reason. I want to tell the pair of them that I'm genuinely worried for DH and it's them that are driving him into a deep depression.

How old is DSS?

He sounds angry and hurt. Telling him he is driving his dad into depression won't help.

How often does he see his dad?

Unless there is a massive backstory, YABU and hugely overdramatic.

You said DDS was being difficult, then went on to describe it. Why did you add his mother into things at the end of that? What has she done?

How old is DDS?

Your DH won't get depression because his DS needs him. He just needs to be there. To work out why he is so angry.

Calling him ‘this child’ tells me it isn’t DSS who is causing the problem.

You would tell your husband's school aged child that they are 'driving him into a deep depression'?

Yes, you are being very unreasonable.

“This child”?! he’s your husband’s child. He’s kind of important...

You don’t say how old your stepson is but in my own experience of raising children (2 of them, 1 in primary school the other in high school) feeling like you can’t do anything right is common as fuck. If I reacted the way your husband is every time one of mine kicked off I’d have been sectioned by now.

And for the love of god don’t tell this kid his actions are causing his dad a “deep depression”. He’s not. He is not responsible for if his dad is depressed, he is a child. A moody child apparently, but your husband’s reaction to his son’s behaviour isn’t down to the son.

What Gingers said

My two alternate between being lovely, asking me for favours and telling me I am the worst person on the planet. Very occasionally in the same sentence

Has he sat down and listen to his son?
Maybe this book might help
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094/ref=sr_1_1?crid=20QL4DI2M3WOF&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+book&sprefix=How+to+talk%2Caps%2C163&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1571440992&sr=8-1

I would suggest dss presentation takes precedent over your family event.

Yabu.

It doesn’t matter that DSS wasn’t reviving anything at the presentation. His Dad told him he was celebrating something to do with his wife’s family instead of at an important event to him.

How often does our DH see DSS? Shouldn’t he be trying to get to the bottom of why the kid is lashing out? You can’t tell a child they are driving their father to depression.

*receiving

You're being a dick. Why the fuck would you even think about telling a CHILD they are causing your husband's depression? FFS.

Kids come first. DH should have supported his son rather than attend an event with you for your family. It is clear he feels left out of the family dynamic.

I want to tell the pair of them that I'm genuinely worried for DH and it's them that are driving him into a deep depression.

Please do not tell this child’s he is the cause of his father’s depression. He will never get over that. Honestly it would do untold damage not just to their relationship but to DSS own mental health for a long time. It certainly won’t have the outcome of making DSS & DH get along again. At very best all you’ll achieve is DSS bottling up his own feelings for fear of making his father ill. Which will make him ill. Seriously. You cannot do that to him.

Sounds like the child (and potentially the mother) is playing games. If DH had dropped everything to attend the school event at the last minute (after being told at the last minute) then you can imagine what precedent this would set. Use it as a lesson to remind the boy that DH would love to attend his events but needs notice. Remind the Mother the same - if DS is too young to remind DH thrn for the good of her child she should.

You won't get much sympathy here though OP ...

BTW

DSS is being really difficult at the minute, really kicking off at DH. Saying that he isn't a dad, more like a friend or uncle. Refusing to see DH etc.

Your DSS isn’t just kicking off- he’s being very clear about what the problem is. Your family event might be a milestone and very important but in light of what DSS is saying (he doesn’t feel like his father is behaving like a dad) then it really was far more important right now that your DH attended his school presentation. DSS I should insecure and just needs to feel like a priority to his dad.

Joxer Is 100% correct, this child is crying out for his father to step up and father him. He's literally said he's not acting like a father.

Dry sad. OP you are being very unreasonable.

If your husband isn't happy with the relationship with his son, I think the onus is on him to fix it. Your stepson is a kid who didn't ask to be in this situation. 🤷

YABU. Instead of being so self absorbed, maybe your husband could reflect on why his son feels like this and do something to improve the relationship? Your husband is the adult and the parent in this situation, perhaps he should act like one, rather than self indulgently feeling sorry for himself. Your attitude isn't helping either!

You need to think about how if he was your child together and say you had a 50th birthday party for your uncle tonight but found out last night your DS had a school event, would you not go? I don't think so. I think you would remind him he needs to remember to tell you things but go then go to the party afterwards. Just because he is your DSS, it doesn't mean that your partner in any less of a dad. It's easy to blame your DSS and his mother for all the issues but at the end of the day, your DP is a dad first and foremost. He needs to do what he would do if he was together with his sons mother or not. There's really no point in doing the whole 'it's not my day to see you' or 'you told me too last minute and I have plans'. No sane parent would punish their child by not going to an event just because they didn't get enough notice and had other plans. They would make it work but also remind their child that they need to be forthcoming with information about events

OP your step son sounds wounded. whatever his mother plays in that, there is no need for your husband to chip in by saying your family event is more important than his son´s.
If my close family member had a party and my son had an event he was felt proud being a part of I would opt for my son. The little things mean a lot.

Why not go to the presentation? Surly that's a mile stone in your life and dss. Nothing maybe not even death comes before my dss you really have to put him as a priority before all other things. No party no wedding no birthday comes before my children. YABVU I hope you see reality.

I am also a stepmum to a dss.