To be furious with DSS!

[nevermindimfine]

DSS is being really difficult at the minute, really kicking off at DH. Saying that he isn't a dad, more like a friend or uncle. Refusing to see DH etc.
it's breaking my DH as he constantly feels torn, can do no right. He took the dog out yesterday and I was genuinely worried he wouldn't come back. DH found out at the last minute that DSS had a school presentation (he wasn't receiving anything) DH had plans to celebrate a major milestone with my family. DSS told DH that wasn't a good excuse for not being there. My husband is broken and I'm furious that this child and his mother are putting him through hell, for no good reason. I want to tell the pair of them that I'm genuinely worried for DH and it's them that are driving him into a deep depression.

@DriftingLeaves it’s also predictable that when a young teenager starts acting like that is a child who needs his father to parent not that op seems to have thought of that

It’s also fairly predictable that stepmums (not all) come on and says her partners first wife is mad/ always causing trouble

It's totally predictable that the vipers will strike.

Be fair and view it from a non defensive standpoint- OP is threatening to tell a 13 year old he is the cause of his father’s depression. (Which May or May not even be true!) any parent threatening that on MN would be called on it. It’s a horrible thing to do.

My honest answer is I just don't know. Seemed like a small battle and I didn't want to pick it at that moment. The bigger aim was to disengage and not care if he missed stuff because he cba communicating with his child's school.

OP never says she's going to tell DSS he's caused his DF's depression, just that she wants to, i.e. she feels like saying it, but she won't. No blame there.

Also, who goes to a school presentation evening just to be supportive and clap politely while other people's DC get prizes?

DH needs to get on the school email distribution list so he knows what's coming and can plan accordingly; that' s easy. He needs to grow a thicker skin and take a teen's wild accusations with a pinch of salt.

This time he needs to stick to the prior arrangement with a clear conscience, I think.

YWBU to tell a child that they were responsible for their fathers depression.

It's not what people say it's the manner in which they say it, I've said that once. There is no need for some of the venomous remarks and abuse step mothers get in here. It reflects more on those who are unable to express themselves reasonably that it does on the poor step mothers.

Also, who goes to a school presentation evening just to be supportive and clap politely while other people's DC get prizes?

Most of the people there?

I took OPs comment as it what she wants to do and asking if she was BU to do so.

Dss was pretty clear. Your dp isnt acting like a good father. Why didnt your dp know there was a presentation? Schools send out calendars. Some schools even have it on their website so it can be synched to your personal outlook. Does your dp have to be invited and reminded about your dss’s events at school and his clubs? Could his passivity towards events in his son’s life be a real issue?

If you objectively looked at your dp as a father, does he honestly do everything to be a good and present father to his son?

YABVU.

"I want to tell the pair of them that I'm genuinely worried for DH and it's them that are driving him into a deep depression."

Do not do this, it's incredibly manipulative and hurtful. Clearly the child is hurting, the last thing he needs is you guilt tripping him on top of that.

My advice would be to get some family counselling, as well as individual therapy for each of you.

I had this situation but The other way around
dsS lived with me an didnt see his mum- her choice ! She's awful as a human il be honest but if she ever came on the scene he adored her and then she would let him down. Promise him days out and to pick him up then let him down. This was ongoing from been 5. He's now 18"""
She asked him to move in when he was around 15. He really wanted to and we understood what kid wouldn't want to be with their mum so we said that's fine an he stayed with us all the weekend and her the week- it lasted 2 weeks an she dropped him off and bin bagged all his clothes at the end of my driveway-
my point is. Now he's 18 and if he sees her out he will either ignore her or shout abuse an that she's a slag etc "she has 10 kids all together and only 2 in her care" not that I condone the things he says but she never went parents evening. Was always me. Never helped him during exams and college and cvs and job interviews or doctors appointments or having his little girl. He holds a lot and I mean a lot of anger towards here. It Was always me who was their and she still doesn't realise that after been told numerous times an done nothing to change it. Your DSS clearly has a lot of hurt towards your DH and probably wants him to do more with him and put more effort in with him and their is more to this definitely. You could do with sitting him down and asking why is he so resentful and what can you do to change these things ? Just have to be supportive and open minded and be ready to accept some blame!