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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be furious with DSS!

111 replies

nevermindimfine · 18/10/2019 23:59

DSS is being really difficult at the minute, really kicking off at DH. Saying that he isn't a dad, more like a friend or uncle. Refusing to see DH etc.
it's breaking my DH as he constantly feels torn, can do no right. He took the dog out yesterday and I was genuinely worried he wouldn't come back. DH found out at the last minute that DSS had a school presentation (he wasn't receiving anything) DH had plans to celebrate a major milestone with my family. DSS told DH that wasn't a good excuse for not being there. My husband is broken and I'm furious that this child and his mother are putting him through hell, for no good reason. I want to tell the pair of them that I'm genuinely worried for DH and it's them that are driving him into a deep depression.

OP posts:
loopyloo12 · 19/10/2019 07:43

Where does it say ignored emails!!

Beveren · 19/10/2019 07:46

we had ignored the emails about this from school

What school emails separated parents about school events?

EntropyRising · 19/10/2019 07:59

Obviously, there's not enough information for anyone to judge your situation.

FrancisCrawford · 19/10/2019 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pardonwhat · 19/10/2019 08:01

I think you need to look at your own role in your dss obvious feelings of being cast aside.
The way you write about the situation is quite telling.

Ragwort · 19/10/2019 08:05

Lots of schools do actually send emails to both separated parents, must be a logistical admin nightmare but every year we received a form asking where info should be sent and there was space for two names.

I am not a step parent but so many of these threads just describe typical teenage behaviour which is, sadly, usually very obsessed with no thought that that there is anything more important than what is going on in the teenager’s life. Thankfully most grow out of it but it is tedious and as parents you just have to put up with it. Taking the ‘step parent’ issue out of it, it is really not that unusual for a teenager to suddenly announce an important event that parents need to be involved with, regardless of your own plans.

Ragwort · 19/10/2019 08:08

Very good point Francis, if it was such an important event why wasn’t the son included? I am a step child myself and was/am 100% included in all family events on my step parent’s side.

MollyButton · 19/10/2019 08:12

I have no idea why your DG didn't got to his son's presentation then popped back to the 75th or whatever. But obviously the presentation was more important, so should have been the priority.
BUT there must be a massive backstory of your DH letting down his DS for this to have got so heated. So rather than your DH feeling sorry for himself he needs to take practical steps to become more involved in his son's life.

Sotiredofthislife · 19/10/2019 08:12

What school emails separated parents about school events?

Schools have a legal obligation to ensure that both parents receive information if they both request it. The reality is that ‘school’ in many marriages is ‘women’s work’ so once separated, dad decides his ex should continue ‘school’. Over 10 years later my ex believes I am some kind of secretary and demands I give him notice of everything. I don’t, and never have, but it is easier for his conscience that his non-attendance at events is my fault rather than his.

Very few men seem to contact school to get themselves on email and texting lists. They sometimes perk up a bit with a school-focused new partner but what is clear in the OP’s case is that she and her partner are the priority, not the child.

Elodie2019 · 19/10/2019 08:24

DH found out at the last minute that DSS had a school presentation (he wasn't receiving anything) DH had plans to celebrate a major milestone with my family. DSS told DH that wasn't a good excuse for not being there.

I live with my DC and hear about everything last minute. They love to drop stuff on me. Very annoying!

What was the 'major family milestone?' Are you absolutely sure it was that important? Could you have gone alone? Could your DH have arrived later than you?

If your DH absolutely couldn't attend the presentation, he could have said something along the lines of:
'I wish you'd told me sooner, I'd have loved to come but I've got XYZ - please tell me next time, I'm so proud of you blah blah... can we go out and celebrate together? What would you like to do?....'

I'm guessing your DH did none of that and sulked about not being told instead. Big baby man.

Rachel438 · 19/10/2019 08:38

[off topic] I had no idea that a 75th birthday is a major milestone.

Whatever next?

ravenshope · 19/10/2019 08:39

I imagine your DH's depression is caused/exacerbated by being torn between the two of you. You need to support him to put his son first.

AndAnotherNameChanger · 19/10/2019 08:39

More info is needed to know if yabu.

How old is dss? Why did your dh only find out about the presentation at the last minute? How often do they normally at each other? Are there other things that have contributed to this reaction - has your dh let down your dss for other things that have been building up or is your dss lashing out because he's upset about other things which aren't your dh's fault? What's your dh's ex's role?

Jellybeansincognito · 19/10/2019 08:40

Your dh is prioritising you and your family overnight his own child, his child is clearly calling out for some love and attention.

Why wouldn’t you tell your husband to put his child first?

It’s no wonder the kid is behaving the way he is, he’s clearly just an inconvenience to you.

Jellybeansincognito · 19/10/2019 08:41

Over his own child’

adaline · 19/10/2019 08:41

If the presentation was so important to the DSS, he would have told his Dad much earlier about it and not right at the last minute.

He's a kid - kids forget things! There are weekly threads on here from resident parents who complain because DC has just reminded them of a bake sale/show and tell/dress up day with less than 24h notice.

AnyOldPrion · 19/10/2019 08:47

DH needs to contact the school and ask that information is sent to him.

If he is always told things at the last minute that he couldn’t find out another way, then he needs to sit down with DSS and explain how this means he can’t plan for them, and thus sometimes there are other things planned he can’t get out of easily.

This needs to be managed by your DH. Getting depressed to the point where you are so worried about him you think he might not come back sounds potentially manipulative. There’s not enough info to tell if you, your DH, or DSS’s mother are most at fault, but DSS is 13 and 100% isn’t.

rubyblue40 · 19/10/2019 08:59

I don't think he's cryinf out for Dads attention. sounds more like he's emotionally blackmailing his dad!

rubyblue40 · 19/10/2019 09:04

Having said that; yourself and DH need to get a grip! and not blame his son. He is the adult!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/10/2019 09:04

What a surprise. The vipers pounce on a step mother.

Yawn. This tedious comment is trotted out every time someone dares to criticise a stepmother. Of course stepmothers shouldn’t be automatically damned, but you seem to think they should be above individual criticism. How does that work?

The OP is being criticised because, open hearing that her stepson thinks his dad isn’t behaving like a proper parent, her reaction is not concern for the child, but to be ‘furious’ with him. She wants to actively blame him for her husband being ‘broken’. Who does that to

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/10/2019 09:06

Nowhere near enough detail.

Has your DH been a good parent?

My birth father is the type of parent to play the victim to all and sundry. I'm NC with him and had a message from his latest wife a few years ago about how much he misses me and wants to see me. Truth is he was a shit parent, sporadic with contact, refused to pay my mother any maintenance and put my safety at risk as a child with his behaviour.

Sorry but your family should not be prioritised over his own DS, no matter what the milestone is.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/10/2019 09:07

A teenager?

The presentation versus the family event is a red herring. The stepson has not decided overnight that he doesn’t feel like his dad is being a dad, and if the dad is truly ‘broken’ and in a ‘deep depression’, this didn’t happen overnight either.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 19/10/2019 09:09

Sounds like you are to blame in pulling your DH in the other direction.
Your family milestone is not as important to your DH as it is to you.
He should prioritise his son.

DriftingLeaves · 19/10/2019 09:10

Yawn. This tedious comment is trotted out every time someone dares to criticise a stepmother.

And yawn right back because it's totally predictable. There are some posters who seem to lurk in the hope of giving someone a good kicking. There are ways of telling people they are wrong without being a total cunt. Some here just enjoy being cuntish.

waterrat · 19/10/2019 09:10

Your husband needs to engage with his sons feelings. It's normal for kids to get upset. The adult needs to take charge of responding.

Forget the single incident and just accept the son needs some input from dad. It's not acceptable for a parent to just get depressed rather than looking at how to fix a relationship.

Kids always want their parents at school events. That is normal.

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