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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DSS!

111 replies

nevermindimfine · 18/10/2019 23:59

DSS is being really difficult at the minute, really kicking off at DH. Saying that he isn't a dad, more like a friend or uncle. Refusing to see DH etc.
it's breaking my DH as he constantly feels torn, can do no right. He took the dog out yesterday and I was genuinely worried he wouldn't come back. DH found out at the last minute that DSS had a school presentation (he wasn't receiving anything) DH had plans to celebrate a major milestone with my family. DSS told DH that wasn't a good excuse for not being there. My husband is broken and I'm furious that this child and his mother are putting him through hell, for no good reason. I want to tell the pair of them that I'm genuinely worried for DH and it's them that are driving him into a deep depression.

OP posts:
IamWaggingBrenda · 19/10/2019 04:38

Furious? That poor boy NEEDS his dad to be there for him. And you being ‘furious’ because his son has tried to tell your DH he needs him is ridiculous. Frankly, your DH’s son should be more important to him than your family’s ‘milestone’. And your dss’s mom is likely trying to protect her son’s feelings, knowing he feels like he doesn’t have a proper dad. YABVU.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/10/2019 04:43

I’ve been to many school assembly’s where none of my DC have received awards simply because DC have asked me to go. That’s what parents do. Is it possible for DH to go to both? Ie just be a bit late for your family celebration or leave a bit early?
What DSS is asking doesn’t seem unreasonable to me

Jeschara · 19/10/2019 04:45

I think the step son is being difficult, but telling him he is responsible for his Fathers depression is a step to far. Please don't do that.

KatherineJaneway · 19/10/2019 04:50

DH found out at the last minute that DSS had a school presentation (he wasn't receiving anything) DH had plans to celebrate a major milestone with my family.

That sounds like the crux of the matter. Your dh didn't know about the presentation (why not?) and is spending time with your family instead.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2019 05:15

Your dss didn’t tell his father about a presentation and his father didn’t attend because he had something planned with your family. Either your dss forgot or your dh doesn’t seem him often. Unfortunately being a parent involved a lot of sacrifice. Going to the presentation should have been one of those. I doubt the boy did this deliberately. If you’re the nrp, I can imagine you don’t always find out about stuff until the last minute. As for the depression, that is on your dh to manage. His son is crying out to be parented.

Mumdiva99 · 19/10/2019 05:35

Most schools these days send out communications electronically. They are use to having two parent contacts. So does your DH get the information from the school. Does he schedule the items on the calendar. If this presentation was in the school newsletter then your DH deserves all the criticism he is getting on this thread. It shouldn't be down to the mum to have to tell you...not even the child. If your DH is co-parenting then he should know this stuff. If however the school really only sprang this last minute then it can be more difficult to attend and not all parents would be able to but as a parent we try everything we can to get there. Did you support your DH in this or did you just say 'but we have plans'? Could your expectations on your DH which are at odds with his desire to parent be contributing to his MH problems?

Troilusworks · 19/10/2019 05:59

OP please don't be furious with your DSS. Not sure what his age is but if he's a pre-teen or a teenager they need to be able to hit out at their parents. It can be very painful sometimes, even though in our heads we know that they don't really mean to hurt us, but their words can be quite cutting. But it really is our job to contain their anger. Remember it's a really difficult time for them with lots of hormones going round and lots of changes physically and mentally. My parents didn't let me get angry at all, they took all their own anger out on me and it caused you a lot of damage going forward as you never learn how to express anger safely and proportionately.

The other thing is he may feel caught between his mother and his father. Naturally boys often tend to become closer to their fathers at this age, so it's difficult as they're not living together, and it sounds like he desperately wants more from your DH. He may be being influenced to some extent by his mother but that's not his fault and makes it even harder for him.

Your DH has to try not to take it personally and be the adult in this situation. However hard that is sometimes. Your DSS is not the enemy, he's a kid (even if he's taller and hairier than you!) who needs the adults around him to be more grown up than him. It doesn't mean that he has carte blanche to behave however he wants, just that your DH cannot either be plunged into a deep depression or get into a shouting match every time they have a heated argument.

Verily1 · 19/10/2019 06:04

Your dh should prioritise his ds presentation over your family. And the 2 of you shouldn’t need to be told that!

DriftingLeaves · 19/10/2019 06:39

What a surprise. The vipers pounce on a step mother.

Idontlikeitsomuch · 19/10/2019 06:45

I think you are being bit unfair, op. Dss is a child, he has every reason to get upset for your dh to choose your family event over his presentation. He has only one father.

adaline · 19/10/2019 06:54

Well, the very short-term solution is that DH now knows about the presentation so he should go and miss out on the event with your family. You can go alone this time.

However in the long run it's clear things need to change. How much time does DH spend with his son? Is it quality time? How much of it is without you and your family around? Do they have hobbies or activities they do together? Does DH step up and attend things like parents evenings? Does he pay for school uniform or take DS for new shoes or clothes or school supplies?

ChloeDecker · 19/10/2019 06:56

If the presentation was so important to the DSS, he would have told his Dad much earlier about it and not right at the last minute. The DSS sounds like he is goading his Dad and playing games. I doubt the DSS was desperate for him to attend the presentation in this case and instead wanted to create another guilt tripping drama.

That said, the Dad needs to not react the way his is doing. This is feeding into his son’s anger. Depression however, is not that easy to control though.
OP, not a nice situation to be in and I would concentrate on helping your husband with his mental health-getting involved with the DSS and his mother will make things worse.

Mephisto · 19/10/2019 07:00

I think we need more info OP.

How old is DSS?
Why didn't DH know about the presentation? Does he get communications from school or from DSS and his ex?

ShitOnIt78 · 19/10/2019 07:04

Sounds like you are the problem here OP.Your husbands son needs him to actually be present as a father and not as a mate as it sounds like he is trying to be. Your family milestone is not as important as the school thing, it just isn't. So what if he isn't getting an award?! Parents should be there anyway, making their children feel loved and appreciated not sidelined for their dads new partners family Sad

I suggest you take a massive step back and leave your husband to work on his relationship with his son.

GPatz · 19/10/2019 07:08

'What a surprise. The vipers pounce on a step mother'.

Equally predictable is the appearance of posters who will defend a step mother, no matter if unreasonable, only by making a general statement about MN.

ShitOnIt78 · 19/10/2019 07:09

Oh, he is only 13 Sad He is at a really critical point in his identity development OP, based on your other thread I would say he very much senses your resentment of him and your husbands priorities being you and not him. You seem from the other thread to expect him to be able to perspective take and take your needs into account re-wanting him to go to bed early so you can be with DH but he is 13, ALL teenagers are egocentric regardless of whether they are your own children or step children. Stop expecting an adult response from him and make him feel appreciated!

Vulpine · 19/10/2019 07:11

Your dh is playing the victim. His poor kid.

Idontlikeitsomuch · 19/10/2019 07:12

ChloeDecker, goading their parents and playing games/testing is what children do, especially if they have a doubt about how much their parent love them. Once they have given up and grown up, they won't bother, do they?

littlepaddypaws · 19/10/2019 07:13

it would be useful to know how old dss actually is.
is dh getting help for mental health problems or is it a recent thing ?

Beveren · 19/10/2019 07:15

I think the issue here is your DH's reaction. Your DSS is, frankly, behaving like a typical teenager, failing to tell his father about something then stropping because his father had something else planned already. Yes, it's stressful, and the situation is overlaid with guilt on your husband's about not being there for his son, but that's parenting a teenager. If that results in your husband being "broken" and "put through hell", it may be that he has mental health problems that have root causes elsewhere.

Palaver1 · 19/10/2019 07:19

13 years ...OP you are quilty as charged....

loopyloo12 · 19/10/2019 07:20

Yet again because it's a stepson it's not his fault the dad needs to do more, what if his dad is bending over backwards and his still behaving like this if the OP hadn't written stepson the answers would have been different

No need to jump through extra hoops just because it's a step son

Aridane · 19/10/2019 07:30

Separate out your (your DH's???) Feelings in relation to the (step) son and those relating to the ex

FuriousVexation · 19/10/2019 07:30

Oh come off it loopyloo, it OP had written "DS had a presentation ceremony at school yesterday, we had ignored the emails about this from school and arranged to go to my aunt's 75th birthday tea instead. DS very disappointed, DH feeling like a crap parent, I'm going to tell DS he's giving his dad depression AIBU?" Do you seriously think the answers would have been "yeah, get him told!"

Chewingbubblegum · 19/10/2019 07:37

Why do people get into relationships with others who have children if they're not prepared to treat them as their own?

I could never put up with someone who treats my child as a burden and a sideshow.

You and your DH are damaging this 13 year old child. It's unforgivable. I have no respect or sympathy for you and your DH. To contemplate telling this child that he is responsible for his father's depression shows how low the two of you are. The boy is asking nothing unreasonable. You think a 75th birthday celebration is more of a priority than his son.

The boy does not deserve the two of you. You sound absolutely horrible.

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