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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let MIL see the children?

82 replies

FluentFlash · 23/09/2019 06:44

Name changed as this could be outing.

Would I be unreasonable to not let MIL see the children?

I have 3 children 4, 2 and 7 months.

Husbands stepdad used to hit him and call him names and his mum never stopped it.

We have mentioned it to her and at first she said husband was lying and now she's saying husbands stepdad won't be there as he will be working. But I don't trust him with my children.

What should I do?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2019 06:47

Your oldest is 4. How's it been so far? Why is it coming up now?

Ginfordinner · 23/09/2019 06:49

Perhaps she is/was scared of her husband?

spanglydangly · 23/09/2019 06:50

What does your children's father think? Are you taking about not seem big ever or not seeing unsupervised?

TidyDancer · 23/09/2019 06:51

To cut her off from the children entirely seems excessive. Did you mean just to not have her babysit in her house?

Bucatini · 23/09/2019 06:52

YANBU to not let her see them unsupervised. But if you or DH are there then it would be ok.

Original poster

FluentFlash · 23/09/2019 06:57

We used to let her see the children at our house unsupervised or at her house supervised but now she's saying she wants to see them at her house unsupervised. Especially the younger 2 as they arnt at school she wants to have them during the day and then pick 4 year old up from school and have him aswell.

OP posts:

meccacos2 · 23/09/2019 07:02

@FluentFlash

now she's saying she wants to see them at her house unsupervised.

HELL NO!!

She failed to protect your husband, by allowing her husband to abuse him! then when you confronted her about this, she lied!

Now she wants to have unsupervised contact - but it’s ok because the abuser won’t be home?!!

No freaking way!!

Are you seriously even considering this?

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 23/09/2019 07:05

Absolutely not!
She sees them at your house or not at all- stand your ground!

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2019 07:10

Then that's entirely different.

Stays the same or she doesn't see them

Original poster

FluentFlash · 23/09/2019 07:12

No I'm not considering this. I posted this to see if I was being unreasonable if I stopped her seeing the children. As she said she doesn't want to see them at my house unsupervised and she wants to take them places at a weekend/the younger 2 in the week when 4 year old is at school.

OP posts:

LadyJaneGrey56 · 23/09/2019 07:15

I think what you're suggesting is fine. She can see them, but in an environment where you know they're safe. She failed to protect your dh (and is still with his abuser???) so you need to put safeguards in place. She may well be annoyed but your children's well being comes first.

CherryPavlova · 23/09/2019 07:25

I think the ‘hitting and calling names’ needs to be understood more fully before a decision is made. It also needs placing in the cultural norms of the time.
A hand on a bottom with ‘No, don’t run into the road when I tell you to wait, you little toad” is vastly different to being beaten with a strap and locked under the stairs whilst being repeatedly told you were a vile, stupid evil child.
A smack isn’t abuse. It was seen as reasonably normal. Many parents still smack, I suspect but few would admit to it.
Hitting repeatedly with an implement was always seen as abuse because it was.

madroid · 23/09/2019 07:33

Have you asked her why she wants them at her own house rather than yours?

Surely all their stuff is at yours? And there must be a lot of it at your DC's ages!

Fizzypoo · 23/09/2019 07:34

If you could trust her to pick the oldest DC up from school and take him out for a hot chocolate or somewhere in public and then bring DC home I think you're slightly unreasonable not to let her.

I don't think you're unreasonable to not allow unsupervised access to DC in her home with stepdad around but the risk of him hurting your DC is very minimal imo. He isn't in the position of trust and authority to your DC like he was to your dh.

FamilyOfAliens · 23/09/2019 07:35

We decided not to have MIL babysit our DC because she hit DH and his brothers when they were children and said she still believed in hitting children. I didn’t trust her not to hit ours and I wouldn’t have been able to forgive her if she did.

Justanothernameonthepage · 23/09/2019 07:35

What does your DH say? How does he feel about the abuse and the denial? I'd be tempted to spell it out.
I would say very clearly 'MIL I get it that you don't want to talk about the abuse that DH was exposed to. I'm sure you have excuses as to why it wasn't that bad/justified. But my job is to keep my kids safe and right now, I am only happy with you seeing them while we're there. You seeing them unsupervised at our house is the most you can hope for right now. We wish it was different but we're not going to pretend what happened x years ago was normal or ok.'
If she pushed back and if husband was ok with it, I'd suggest she attend counselling with DH until there was room for more trust.

Jessbow · 23/09/2019 07:35

I tend to agree with You Cherry Pavlova.
A slap across the elgs when he crossed the road, and calling him a silly dog for doing so was not have been unusual.

Clearly leathering him witha belt and calling him stupid for getting two spelling wrong is very wrong and never acceptable.

Many children have grown up with the phrase ''wait until your father gets home.....' which makes Mums as cul[able as Dads, but thaat is the way it was. Didnt have all these other sanctions

Fizzypoo · 23/09/2019 07:36

Taking any of the DC out in public would migate any risk of them being hurt by her husband.

If you didn't want her to have DC because of DHS past that would be a separate issue to not wanting her to have them because of potential risk.

NoSauce · 23/09/2019 07:37

Have you told her why you don’t want them at her house?

What sort of hitting are we talking about? Slapping an 8 year old for misbehaving or beating and 18 year old up?

Neither is acceptable obviously. I just don’t understand why it’s come to a head now.

frumpety · 23/09/2019 07:38

What is DH's relationship like with his stepdad now ? How has the stepdad been with your children on supervised visits ? Does he regret his past behaviour ? or has the issue only ever been discussed with MIL ?
If you don't trust a person, it isn't unreasonable to not leave your children alone with them.

BaronessBomburst · 23/09/2019 07:42

You've handled it perfectly. If she now says that she won't see the children anymore unless it's on her terms, you've only got further proof that she's unsuitable to have them alone in her house. She is not putting the children's interest first at all. She's thinking of herself and doesn't care about them.

Paintedmaypole · 23/09/2019 07:48

What is she like with your children now? Does she follow your way of doing things or argue with you? Does she think it's okay to hit children? Does she bring anything positive to their lives? Are you still seeing her husband be aggressive? Do you think she has learned anything and is she capable of change? Also I agree with Cherrypavlova, what exactly happened? Depending on the answers to these questions I think cutting her off from them completely may not be warranted. Does she still seem under her husband's thumb?

Windydaysuponus · 23/09/2019 07:51

You have offered visits at your home. Unsupervised is not an entitlement.
When I found out mil (now ex) had hit bil but not dh - with a poker - she stopped having mine!
Sil never knew and still had her dc.
Wasn't my place to tell her but bil said he would - and did but she still has her dc alone..
No bloody way!
Protect your dc as is your responsibility.

Original poster

FluentFlash · 23/09/2019 07:52

She said she wants them at her house because she should be able to spend time with them without us with her. And she doesn't want them at our house because the children wouldn't see some family members.

His stepdad used to hit him and say no wonder your dad didn't want you and called him stupid etc.

Husband doesn't talk to his stepdad now and his stepdad hasn't apologised.

OP posts:

Fundays12 · 23/09/2019 07:52

Absolutely no way my MIL sees our children in our home (supervised or unsupervised), she can take them out but under no circumstances are our children allowed in her house as FIL is a vile, cruel man who hurt our eldest child. He has never met our 2 younger children due to this nor will he. If you cannot trust that your children are safe around someone then they don’t get near them.

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