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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let MIL see the children?

82 replies

FluentFlash · 23/09/2019 06:44

Name changed as this could be outing.

Would I be unreasonable to not let MIL see the children?

I have 3 children 4, 2 and 7 months.

Husbands stepdad used to hit him and call him names and his mum never stopped it.

We have mentioned it to her and at first she said husband was lying and now she's saying husbands stepdad won't be there as he will be working. But I don't trust him with my children.

What should I do?

OP posts:

HomewardHound · 23/09/2019 07:52

No unsupervised visits.

Why is she pushing for that? What does she want to do that you are not allowed to see?

Paintedmaypole · 23/09/2019 07:55

Also taking them places on her own or having them for a couple of hours while he is at work wouldn't expose them to him. Do you think she would involve him behind your back? Has she actually said she won't see them at your house or is she just pushing to take them to her house as well? She does need to respect your limits but cutting her off when she has been involved for 4 years is harsh unless she has done something wrong regarding your children.

mbosnz · 23/09/2019 07:59

I think the phrase that applies here is 'wanting isn't the same as getting'.

What you get MIL, is what's on offer. Unsupervised at our house, or supervised at yours.

You got to screw up your children, but we're not going to let you have free rein to screw up ours.

Like it or lump it..

Paintedmaypole · 23/09/2019 08:06

I would tell her clearly that you are not happy for the children to have contact with the step father at all so she will have to see them at your house and will only see them at her home if you are there. When you think they are old enough and can tell you who they have seen and whether they have had a good time I would consider allowing her to take them on visits to attractions etc but warn her that if you find she has involved her husband in any way it will completely stop. I wouldn't stop her from seeing the children unless you are concerned about her current behaviour.

Original poster

FluentFlash · 23/09/2019 08:09

She's OK with my children now although she sometimes disagrees and tries to look after them 'her way'. I don't see her husband being aggressive now but I don't see him much as she used to come to our husband more often than us supervising at her house.

No idea why she wants to have them at her house she said she wants to and the children won't see some family members.

And I think she might involve him behind our backs.

OP posts:

Gustavo1 · 23/09/2019 08:10

Given your update OP, I wouldn’t allow it. She failed to protect your DH and so, cannot be trusted to protect your DC. Actions have consequences. What if her husband is ill and home unexpectedly or just takes a day off. Going back is harder than sticking to a rule. I wouldn’t want that man around my children either.
The situation stands, she can have them at your house or you can all visit together. No negotiations on this one. Your poor DH.

Tonnerre · 23/09/2019 08:11

the risk of him hurting your DC is very minimal imo. He isn't in the position of trust and authority to your DC like he was to your dh.

Surely he is if they are in his house without their parents being present? Also, of course, it doesn't matter if he's in a position of trust and authority, if the person who is isn't going to stop him hitting the children.

Tonnerre · 23/09/2019 08:12

She said she wants them at her house because she should be able to spend time with them without us with her.

There's no "should" about it. It's completely your and your husband's decision.

Windydaysuponus · 23/09/2019 08:12

She chose not to protect her own dc. Why would she protect dc of a dc she allowed to be abused?
Can't imagine your dh would be comfortable with her having them.
Its a def no from me.

Juells · 23/09/2019 08:15

She's being very controlling, isn't she? Do you suspect she's being controlled in turn, that her husband is egging her on to demand having the children at her house? It's quite daft behaviour, since she's not in a position of strength, but is acting as if she is.

FamilyOfAliens
We decided not to have MIL babysit our DC because she hit DH and his brothers when they were children and said she still believed in hitting children.

I don't believe she used the words 'hitting children'. 'Smacking' was the word used. I had the most laid-back parents ever, I never saw either one lose their temper, but I was smacked when I was about four for climbing a water barrel I'd been told not to climb. I have no memory of being told to stay away from it, but a very clear memory of the smack.

ThanosSavedMe · 23/09/2019 08:18

I’m always suspicious when anyone demands unsupervised access to children.

Stand your ground

nettie434 · 23/09/2019 08:20

At first she said husband was lying and now she's saying husbands stepdad won't be there as he will be working

That is a big reason for keeping things as they are. If she had said that things were different then but now she realises it was wrong or she knew it was wrong but was too frightened to intervene then but would do so now, then you could give her request more consideration. That answer shows her attitudes to hitting children and protecting them from verbal abuse have not altered from when your DH was a child.

Paintedmaypole · 23/09/2019 08:20

I think I would stick to your current arrangement from reading your replies. I do agree that he is less likely to be abusive to grandchildren who he would see only very occasionally but I understand that you wouldn't want to risk them being exposed to an aggressive person. I wouldn't cut her off as she hasn't done anything wrong towards the kids. I think she will accept your limits if it is the only way to see the children.

Paintedmaypole · 23/09/2019 08:25

I agree with nettie too

Original poster

FluentFlash · 23/09/2019 08:25

And if he did hit one of them when they were old enough to say (maybe aged 10+) they probably wouldn't. As husband never told anyone and I was the first person he told and that was when eldest was a baby and MIL asked if she could have him for the night and DH said no. And it carried on until husband was 16/17 when he started to stand up for himself.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 23/09/2019 08:27

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for MIL to want to see her GC at her own home but given the circumstances yanbu to say no but you need to tell her why.

toshareyayornay · 23/09/2019 08:28

No chance I'd allow unsupervised access.

He was vile and treated your DH awfully and she was just as bad because she let it happen.

If my dc had a stepdad and he did that to them, the nasty fucker would be out of the house immediately and permanently. The verbal comments about his dad not wanting him are enough imo to not want him around your dc, it takes a real evil bastard to say shit like that to a child.

dollybird76 · 23/09/2019 08:30

YANBU. They are your children, and you gotta do what you feel is right to protect them. You don't owe her unsupervised access to them.

LittleAndOften · 23/09/2019 08:32

I'm in a very similar position to you OP, FIL emotionally abused DH and SIL as children and hit them with bamboo he grew in the garden. DH has only just fully revealed this to me as he has had a breakdown. Apart from being quite a miserable character, I hadn't realised quite how toxic FIL was. He's 78 now and ill, but I don't trust him at all. MIL is lovely but she has facilitated FIL through her blindness. She also failed to protect her children so I have lost faith in her. Problem is, we have had to rely on them recently for emergency babysitting when DH has had appointments. We have no other family or friends where we currently live.

We're minimising contact as much as possible. Your MIL sounds less reliable than mine, her desire to have all your dcs is odd. If I had a choice I wouldn't ever allow FIL to step through the door, I've got it down to just the odd hour of emergency babysitting, when DS is on his way to bed anyway.

If you don't have to use her as a childminder, then don't. You have no reason to go along with her unless your circumstances force it.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2019 08:33

Op, I don't understand why you're asking this. If your children are at risk of physical abuse, then you don't take the risk. It's not even a question. There is no discussion to be had there.

Your husband won't even see his step father. Why would you consider letting your kids?

Blanca87 · 23/09/2019 08:34

Absolutely not, stick as you are.

NearlyGranny · 23/09/2019 08:36

But by offering to have her visit at your house you are clearly not stopping her seeing her DGC, are you? She is being a bit manipulative telling you that isn't good enough and she wants a different arrangement.

She can see them on your terms. That has to be enough. I wonder if anyone is pressuring her behind the scenes? If she didn't protect her own child from abuse, she can't be relied on to protect yours.

If she refused to visit her DGC at their home, that's her loss, not your ban.

Children's best interests must be put first, just as you are doing.

YANBU. YABVVR

Contraceptionismyfriend · 23/09/2019 08:41

No MIL people who failed in their duties as a mother to their own children do not get the chance to fail my children.

Paintedmaypole · 23/09/2019 08:49

I think because their closest relationship is with you as the parents they would tell you if he hit them when they are older (not that I think that he should have any contact with them). Your husband was in a different situation he didn't have anyone to turn to. Your children wouldn't feel any misplaced loyalty to him.

Borderterrierpuppy · 23/09/2019 08:59

No way, no unsupervised access.
She has demonstrated that she feels children can take verbal and physical abuse.
No way can you trust her judgement.

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