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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let MIL see the children?

82 replies

FluentFlash · 23/09/2019 06:44

Name changed as this could be outing.

Would I be unreasonable to not let MIL see the children?

I have 3 children 4, 2 and 7 months.

Husbands stepdad used to hit him and call him names and his mum never stopped it.

We have mentioned it to her and at first she said husband was lying and now she's saying husbands stepdad won't be there as he will be working. But I don't trust him with my children.

What should I do?

OP posts:
meyouandlulutoo · 23/09/2019 09:12

YANBU. No one has any right to demand unsupervised access to your children.

Ellie56 · 23/09/2019 09:15

Protect your children and keep arrangements as they are. MIL can like it or lump it.

She should be ashamed of herself and think herself lucky you even allow her to see her grandchildren after she failed to protect her own child so spectacularly.Your poor DH. Sad

MumW · 23/09/2019 09:21

It's a YANBU from me too.

Absolutely no way I would let her have my children alone.

If the "trying to parent her way" issues were minor, I might leave her with them alone at my house for short times whilst I popped out.

She couldn't/didn't protect her son - she is an enabler - you can't trust her to protect het grandchildren.

As far as I can see, you need to continue with your boundaries and strictly enforce them. Explain why and tell her she can see her DGC under those conditions or not at all.

If she'd like to introduce them to other family members suspect this could be code for her husband, then maybe you'd be happy for her to arrange a family afternoon tea and you'll bring your DC around.

I wonder if she is being abused too?

Blondebakingmumma · 23/09/2019 09:22

Firm no from me too if I was in your shoes. At a stretch I’d let her have unsupervised access at your house but I would point out cctv cameras and threaten to remove any contact if she invites anyone to the house whilst she is with the grandkids. She should count her blessing that she is allowed to see them at all

DadCanIHaveAZedgie · 23/09/2019 09:25

Absolute no. She allowed/was complicit in her husband abusing her son, she can't be trusted to protect her grandchildren.

Drum2018 · 23/09/2019 09:29

There is now way I'd let her have any unsupervised access to them. There's no need for that at all. She can visit your house, meet you in the park, go for coffee, whatever, but I wouldn't be letting her have them unsupervised ever, as you simply cannot trust her. She allowed her husband to abuse her son. She doesn't get to make fucking demands now. As for other family getting to see the children, that can be arranged by you and Dh if it's something you both want - nothing to do with mil.

perplexedagain · 23/09/2019 09:30

I wouldn't give in to your MIL's IMO unreasonable demands. There is no reason she can't see kids on your terms. It won't work her way if there is no trust

custardbear · 23/09/2019 09:32

Easy - not a chance! She had her chance to do the right thing and failed your DH, consequences bite you on the arse - she should be lucky she gets what she currently gets IMO

DinosaursWouldEatYou · 23/09/2019 09:33

YANBU

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/09/2019 09:35

YANBU!

Your DH, HER CHILD has said no. You would only be unreasonable if you tried to go against his wishes.

If you ever have to speak to her on the matter again just tell her: "your own son is saying no, deal with that!"

Shinyshoes2 · 23/09/2019 09:36

Absolutely NO !

Contraceptionismyfriend · 23/09/2019 09:42

Also I'd tell MIL that if she ever brings it up again then any arrangements will be over and she can look at losing them completely.

The absolute gall of her making demands on you with the bullshit she's done.

Beesandcheese · 23/09/2019 09:46

Definitely a no. Grandparents pressuring for unsupervised time is pretty odd in itself. With the background of abuse of course you're going to be running for the hills.

Chamomileteaplease · 23/09/2019 09:48

People seem to have glossed over the fact that at first she said your husband was lying! Shock. That is a terrible thing to do.

I can't believe either of you even speaks to her now.

But as you do, of course, stick to your guns. I am sure you can tell by her general attitude that she is not trustworthy even now.

I don't know how often your kids see her, even supervised but I would cut it down.

HJWT · 23/09/2019 09:48

NO, id never let my PIL see DC unsupervised. Different upbringing due to the community they are from but when DH told me his DM chucked a can of polish at his head when he was trying to run away from a beating thats when I knew it wouldn't ever be happening.

ChuckleBuckles · 23/09/2019 09:48

YANBU OP, and I would think her husband is behind this request to have them unsupervised. It is very controlling and in a way extending the abuse of your DH, he would be a nervous wreck if his DC were in contact with his abusive stepdad wondering about the worse case scenario, it also minimises the abuse your DH already suffered and the anguish he must have felt about his mum not protecting him.

SaraNade · 23/09/2019 09:49

To be honest, until his mother apologises for choosing a man over her own son, and until the step-'dad' apologises, - but especially until the mother apologises, I would be NC and not allow her to see them AT.....ALL. She's damn lucky she is even seeing them, I would have not allowed her to see them even supervised, if that were me. Taking personal responsibility for hurt you (rhetorical, not meaning 'you' you) caused your child is number one to me, and unless she is prepared to apologise for allowing her husband to treat her son that way, she would not be seeing them at all, ever, period. Full stop. Forget 'unsupervised'. When chickens grow lips and pigs fly! So you are a lot more lenient than I am.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2019 09:49

Perhaps she is/was scared of her husband?

Even more reason not to send the children there unsupervised

It also needs placing in the cultural norms of the time

Guessing the DH of three young children is 30s, maybe a bit younger/older. Exactly how much physical and verbal abuse are you happy to excuse for parents raising children in the 80s or possibly even 90s?

I don't remember either being "culturally accepted" in that era, even though current legislation was not in place..

HolyheadBound · 23/09/2019 09:52

She said she wants them at her house because she should be able to spend time with them without us with her.

This fascinates me as an attitude. Children are not toys. She doesn't get to treat them like play things and NOBODY who places any demands on ME about how they interact with the minors for whom I have responsibility and accountability would be coming anywhere near them unsupervised or, to be honest, supervised.

MIL is generally wonderful but has been known to make passive aggressive or inappropriate comments to the DDs in my presence.

Children are not born adults and, as they learn to grow and flourish, it's our jobs to curate their exposure to the world in a way that allows them to do that with confidence and strength. Anyone who tries to get in the way of that can do one.

YANBU.

WonderWomansSpin · 23/09/2019 09:58

What family members does she feel they can't see at your house? If this is about her wanting to show off her grandchildren to a great-aunt or part of the extended family then say she can bring them to your house to meet the DCs.
You don't need to keep having this discussion with her or keep reiterating what she did or didn't do. You've explained your reasons and made your decision. Keep to it.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 23/09/2019 10:02

I'm not sure OP

When you say your husbands step dad hit him, was it controlled punishment eg a smack or did he used to assault him? Smacking was a lot more common in the past though losing your temper and beating up a child was never acceptable. Also I know my own grandparents regularly hit my parents when they were young but never ever came close to it with us (the same way my mum used to shout at me and my sibling but has never done so with my children - they have a totally different relationship and my mum was fairly strict with me but I think she is far too soft with my children and lets them get away with murder!)

On the other hand obviously your children's safety has to be top priority. Do they like spending time at their grans? Do they like the step dad? Why do you think they wouldn't tell you if something happened?

I think the worrying thing for me is that she wouldn't discuss it with you and tried to deny it, it makes it harder to be open and honest about everything

Why do you have to stop contact all together, why not just restrict it to your house or activities outside the house. If your step dad works surely it is unlikely he would be around anyway?

Justanothernameonthepage · 23/09/2019 10:05

After updates, it's a clear no. I really would be bluntly upfront if she keeps pushing.
'You don't get to have the kids without supervision. You didn't keep DH safe when he was young. You don't respect boundaries when we're here and the fact you keep pushing makes me uncomfortable so no. Not happening, and we will tell anyone who asks that you don't get to see our kids unsupervised because we can't trust you to put their safety first.'

mary1066 · 23/09/2019 10:10

I'd do exactly what you've done too. It's so important to put your hands up when you've done something wrong and apologise for it especially to your children no matter what their age. To deny and dismiss is the worst thing you can do and it's very cruel. Even if your children, young or adult, exaggerate or have a distorted memory of their past, as a parent you should do your best to help them overcome it as much as possible. I've come across such parents who apologised and offered to attend counselling with their adult children. They were deeply concerned about their children and loved them enough to do all they could to stop their children suffer for life. Best of luck to you and your family OP

Piffle11 · 23/09/2019 10:13

Absolutely no way would I let her have them unsupervised. You can't trust this woman to keep your DC safe, or to even tell you the truth. My MIL used to cover for her bully DH (not my DH's DF) so she couldn't have them alone any more.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 23/09/2019 10:14

Hitting/smacking or whatever, it's irrelevant. No way would I be with someone who said to my child no wonder your dad left you, that would be enough for me. OP YANBU, not at all, and I presume you have been truthful to her about why you do not want your kids at her property unsupervised. If she doesn't understand the reason she's a fool, she didn't look out for her own DC, she isnt going to be any different with yours.

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