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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD invited as a last resort

114 replies

Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 13:30

Hello,
Just wanted to see what others think regarding this...
recently received a party invitation via Facebook Events very late last night. Party is for this Saturday coming for my daughter to attend. Very short notice but I'm always happy for her to attend parties and she enjoys them so I clicked the accept button. Then I noticed that the party event page had been set up in June and people on there had been RSVPing since then and there was something written about a reserve list and my daughters name was on the bottom it?! I messaged the mum and thanked her for the lovely invitation and she replied saying sorry it was short notice but she was waiting to see if there was space for my DD if someone else declined their invitation.
I find this a bit rude but I'm probably wrong, I don't know? I'd never do this to someone, or at least not tell them they were a second choice! I've always had the other child at DDs parties and their siblings and made them welcome!

OP posts:
namechangedbecauseithinkiabu · 17/09/2019 13:32

It’s bloody rude! I’d not be sending her!

user1474894224 · 17/09/2019 13:33

No one should ever be told they are a reserve. That is rude. (also though why would someone actually set up a birthday party event and send invites out in June for a party in September? - that seems crazy!)

Original poster
Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 13:33

@namechangedbecauseithinkiabu
Yes I'm starting to think the same!

OP posts:
Atlasta · 17/09/2019 13:34

I'd find it very rude.
If she isn't on the preferred list then it can't be a very close friend.
How old is DD?
If she's young enough I'd decline and not mention it to her.

AppleKatie · 17/09/2019 13:34

I wouldn’t be sending her either. How rude!

Paddy1234 · 17/09/2019 13:34

God it would be great to just reject the invitation however if your DD would love to go just brave it out and accept.
You find that eventually just being blasé and easy going works
❤️ (but I would understand if you declined!)

TinyMystery · 17/09/2019 13:34

I don’t think it’s rude at all tbh. You have X number of children that the party can accommodate, you ask the child to pick X friends who they would most like to come, and some friends that they would also like if not possible. Your DD can’t be everyone’s best friend.

Original poster
Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 13:36

@user1474894224 I know! I was oblivious it had been set up so early until I scrolled down the page. Whats more, I met the mum for coffee in August and she never mentioned it!

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 17/09/2019 13:36

It is a bit rude, but if your dd would enjoy it I would still go.

BarbariansMum · 17/09/2019 13:37

Ds2 has been in this position and was aware of it. He still chose to go and had a good time. He is well aware that you cant always invite everyone to your party. I was a bit sniffy about it though.

Lockheart · 17/09/2019 13:37

Well if for example they only have space / a budget for 10 but their child has 15 friends then I don't really see the problem of inviting other people when some drop out. It's just practicalities and logic and I don't think I'd have an issue with it.

The other option is to invite 15 and hope 5 drop out, which isn't a clever move. Rescinding an invitation is harder than extending a late one.

Your DD won't know the difference will she?

daisypond · 17/09/2019 13:38

Very rude.

NWQM · 17/09/2019 13:39

I think it's rude that the Mum just sent the 'spare' invite and didn't just get in touch & explain. If I had been you I'd have been happy then. it's the slightly sneaky aspect that seems off to me

Original poster
Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 13:39

@TinyMystery
I understand that there are number limits with kids parties, thats perfectly acceptable. I know she isn't going to be everyones best friend too!
It was the last resort feeling of it that got me. Especially as Ive always had her 3 kids at all my sons parties (the mum and I go back a long way, friends for 30 years plus)

OP posts:
Moonsick · 17/09/2019 13:41

I would find the ranking of friendships via a reserve list quite hurtful. The mother has certainly handled this birthday party organisation badly and in a short sighted way. These sort of lists should be kept private.

But you were happy to accept the invitation before you realised and your DD loves going to birthday parties so I'd probably swallow down my hurt and irritation and send her anyway. She doesn't have to know that she wasn't first pick. My children would have gone happily and enjoyed the party, whilst I would seethe about it privately.

Alternatively don't send her and do something fun with her on that day instead. I suspect you won't be the only one to not send their child.

These things are very useful for working out what sort of parent is a shallow idiot and which ones aren't. DS was once invited to a party that would have cost me £50+. I politely declined but it was a useful insight into the thought process of the parent.

LiveRightNow · 17/09/2019 13:43

Mmmm to be honest my daughter often wants to invite more friends than we have space/budget for so it makes sense to invite people if spaces come up. It doesn't mean those people are not wanted there (they are very much wanted but I had to be harsh on numbers). That's very different to telling someone they are second best though. If your daughter wants to go and nobody is being mean about her being a "reserve" then I'd really not worry about it. (I do get why it's making you feel a bit put out though)

Moonsick · 17/09/2019 13:45

I'd add, its not the last minute invitation that would have been the problem, its the 'reserve list' on the party page for all the other parents to see.

Morgan12 · 17/09/2019 13:46

Well its rude as fuck but I'd let it go.

Don't let your DD miss out now because you're annoyed. Then this will become something huge between you and your friend.

But I wouldn't be so accommodating when you next have a party.

OccidentalPurist · 17/09/2019 13:50

I have to agree with TinyMystery. Yes the mum sounds tactless, but that is how some people organise their DC's parties. Some don't get very sentimental or worry to much about hurting feelings unfortunately - it's just all about their child's big day.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it in front of your DD. If you think she'd enjoy it just let her go.

When my DD was in junior, two years in a row we invited a girl from her class to her birthday party whose birthday was two weeks afterwards. Both times she wasn't invited to this girls party. When I mentioned it to a close friend whose DD was going (they were neighbors) she just brushed it off and said it's just a numbers thing and not to take it personally.

I learned that if you grow a thicker skin, your DCs invariably will too Smile

Anothernotherone · 17/09/2019 13:51

The public reserve list is weird. It's not inviting your DD because someone has dropped out that's wrong, but publishing the fact on an event page every attendee has access to!

You can't always invite every child who's invited yours though - my middle child seems to be the default best friend for every new boy / shy or left out boy in his class. When he left primary the teacher had them all write little notes to every child in the class (just "good luck next year" to kids they weren't close to, personal messages to good friends, but everyone had to give everyone a piece of paper essentially) six different boys thanked DS for being their best friend, and he came home squirming because he hadn't realised that they saw him that way and had written far more generic notes to most of them and was worried he'd upset them. He is invited to lots of sleepover or event/ outing birthday parties, often with just 4 or 5 children (normal around here for older children/ pre teens) and can't invite everyone who's invited him when he has his own similar party. He's not "in the in crowd" he's more everyone's friend, but he can't be penalised for that by having to have a bowling party every year to accommodate everyone! We have invited "reserve list" guests if an invitee can't make it to parties with maximum capacity, but not displayed a list anywhere or told anyone that's what they are!

The way they've done this is weird but your DD didn't have to be invited just because you invited the child who's party it is. They may have been invited to 20+ parties this year and only be able to invite 10.

Windydaysuponus · 17/09/2019 13:51

Send an appropriate gift from a B list guest....

thecatsthecats · 17/09/2019 13:52

Eh. A group of girls I knew peripherally set up a hen do for one of them. Someone dropped out and there was a bed going free.

Somebody said 'why not invite cats, we always have a laugh?'

If I'd been too uptight to say yes, then I wouldn't have become closer to them all now.

VenusClapTrap · 17/09/2019 13:53

I couldn’t get worked up about this. It isn’t always possible to invite everyone, and kids will always have friends they are closer to than others. It isn’t a snub. The woman has just been honest - nothing wrong with that from my perspective.

OooErMissus · 17/09/2019 13:55

Especially as Ive always had her 3 kids at all my sons parties (the mum and I go back a long way, friends for 30 years plus)

So are your kids genuinely friends, or are they friends because you and the Mum are friends?

What she's done by blatantly putting the B list up on the FB invitation is completely clueless... Confused

But, I can see the other side of the story.

My best friend's eldest is the same as as mine, we live close by and spend a lot of time together as families. We've always invited each other's DC to birthday parties.

But they're getting to an age where the parties are smaller and more about good friends, and I'm conscious that my DC won't necessarily genuinely want best friend's DC there - and vice versa.

That's kind of understandable, surely.

Booboostwo · 17/09/2019 13:55

Having a reserve list is understandable if there are limited funds and/or limited spaces...making the reserve list public is unforgivable!