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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD invited as a last resort

114 replies

Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 13:30

Hello,
Just wanted to see what others think regarding this...
recently received a party invitation via Facebook Events very late last night. Party is for this Saturday coming for my daughter to attend. Very short notice but I'm always happy for her to attend parties and she enjoys them so I clicked the accept button. Then I noticed that the party event page had been set up in June and people on there had been RSVPing since then and there was something written about a reserve list and my daughters name was on the bottom it?! I messaged the mum and thanked her for the lovely invitation and she replied saying sorry it was short notice but she was waiting to see if there was space for my DD if someone else declined their invitation.
I find this a bit rude but I'm probably wrong, I don't know? I'd never do this to someone, or at least not tell them they were a second choice! I've always had the other child at DDs parties and their siblings and made them welcome!

OP posts:
Chloemol · 17/09/2019 13:59

It’s rude. And now you know not to invite her children of any more of your parties

Shittiestdayinalongtime · 17/09/2019 14:00

Hmm, the public reserve bit is rude. However, we had a small party where we could only invite a handful. So when one person said no, we asked another person.

Cheeseandwin5 · 17/09/2019 14:01

I am not sure what you are upset about?
Is it that you think your DD should be the first on everyones list?
That some parties can only have a limited amount of people?
That they shouldn't have invited your dd when they had the space?

I suppose they could have put it more tactfully but they were being truthful, and to be honest you are BU and probably hypocritical too.
You need to put side your sense of entitlement and let your daughter go and enjoy herself.

PerfectPeony2 · 17/09/2019 14:01

Wow she certainly has some awful social skills.

I wouldn’t take your daughter but don’t tell her why.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/09/2019 14:02

I think it depends on age and what sort of friendship the DC have. You and the other mother have been friends for decades, which makes me think that the children are situational friends, ie they get along fine but might not have chosen to be friends if the two mums weren't close. Both children are bound to have much closer friends each, and those friends would naturally be higher preference to be invited to the party. Your DD probably wouldn't care that she was on the reserve list.

I know when I was a child there were plenty of children of my parents' friends that I got along well enough with but didn't consider to be close friends. I would have gone along to a party of theirs and had fun but equally wouldn't have cared if I wasn't invited, whereas I might have felt hurt if a friend had a party and left me out.

checkeredredshorts · 17/09/2019 14:03

I would say thanks but no thanks and bloody tell her why. Insensitive cow.

DarlingNikita · 17/09/2019 14:04

Especially as Ive always had her 3 kids at all my sons parties (the mum and I go back a long way, friends for 30 years plus)

That clinches it for me. She's rude and I'd be pissed off and upset.

Cheeseandwin5, this is not just a loose group of friends, is it? These are kids who are regularly invited by the OP, and the OP and the mum are friends of long standing. It's not a question of 'entitlement'.

BishBashBoshy · 17/09/2019 14:04

It's very rude of her to keep such a public list and to actually tell you your daughter was only invited for numbers.

I think most people will have an idea of "reserves" and that's fine. I also think if you get invited at such short notice it's fair to assume you are on the reserve list but it's not right to make it so obvious.

I think if my daughter would enjoy it, I'd still send her.

Original poster
Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 14:08

Thanks for the replies
@Cheeseandwin5... Wow! I'm not entitled and as I've stated previously I Do fully understand and appreciate the limitations regarding children's birthday parties with budget restrictions and numbers. I'm not suggesting for a minute that my child should be invited to every single party every single year! As I've said, it was the last resort feeling that I was talking about. And publicly stating that my daughter was a second choice on the events page. I would not treat someone else in this way as it is plain rude and thoughtless. I respect your opinion and thank you for giving me a different perspective

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 17/09/2019 14:08

I would find the ranking of friendships via a reserve list quite hurtful

Surely all kids have friends they are closer to than others, though, just because they play with them more often or whatever? They can't always invite every single person they play with when spaces are limited, so they'd pick the ones they're closest to and then if someone drops out they can invite someone else. Also, young kids are amazingly fickle with friendships sometimes - I bet the kids this child invited back in June aren't even necessarily her best friends any more!

Pretty sure when I was a child I went to the cinema or swimming at the last minute with a friend because another friend was ill or something and I think when I was due to have a friend over to play and they couldn't come at the last minute my mum would have said 'Tell you what, shall we see if so-and-so's home in case they want to come over?' and I never thought of them as a lesser friend.

Maybe the nature of the invitation in the OP's case was a bit tactless but 'hurtful' seems a bit much.

IamWaggingBrenda · 17/09/2019 14:09

I don’t think it’s rude at all tbh. You have X number of children that the party can accommodate, you ask the child to pick X friends who they would most like to come, and some friends that they would also like if not possible. Your DD can’t be everyone’s best friend

I think you’ve missed the point. I think most people understand this point, but it IS rude to post a ‘reserve list’ where all the invitees can see it and it’s also rude to say they were waiting to wait for other invitees to decline before inviting her DD. Both of those could have been done without spelling it out to the OP.

ChicCroissant · 17/09/2019 14:09

So this isn't someone your DD is at school with, it is a friend of yours?

If the children are school age I think they tend to invite their classmates first tbh. That would also explain the early setup as invites for a September party handed out at the start of term can go missing at what is a hectic time for parents!

But I don't think posting a reserve list on the group was a good idea (how did she do that?).

EssentialHummus · 17/09/2019 14:09

The public reserve list is bananas. But if your daughter is happy to go then I'd let her.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/09/2019 14:09

Public reserve list is just shocking.

SallyWD · 17/09/2019 14:10

Wow, I don't find this rude at all!! Parties are often strictly limited in numbers and often the party boy/girl isn't able to invite everyone they want to. If someone can't make it then of course they have "reserves" although they don't have to use that word. My daughter usually wants a party somewhere that costs about £15 per head. We simply can't afford more than 10 people so we have to limit her. There are always more than 10 people she wants to invite so if someone declines she's pleased she can invite someone else on the list. Just recently my DD was invited to a party the day before. The girl's mum told me my daughter had been "first reserve". I didn't mind at all, I wasn't offended. We've been in that situation so many times before that I understood.

ign0re · 17/09/2019 14:10

Honestly something that annoyed me so much when I was younger was my mum getting involved in drama's like this and not just letting us kids be kids.

Ask your child if they want to go, if the answers yes, then she should go.

OooErMissus · 17/09/2019 14:11

So you haven't clarified if the kids are genuinely friends, or just friends because you and the Mum are.

Anothernotherone · 17/09/2019 14:12

DarlingNikita it depends how old the children are and how big the party is.

Children are not obligated to see their mother's friend's children as their close friends and it's right and proper that by age 6 or 7 they form their own friendships rather than being told by their mother who their friends are.

If it's a party for 30+ children you'd have a point, but not if it's a small party.

It's the public, published, nature of the reserve list that's wrong, nothing else.

Bloomburger · 17/09/2019 14:14

DD has space for 10 at her party but she's got 12 friends she wants to attend, I. Hoping 2 of the ones who I'm not keen on can't come so the 2 on the reserve list I like can.

Don't see the issue with it.

TheNoodlesIncident · 17/09/2019 14:14

In your shoes I'd let my dc go to the event but it's really, really bad form to publicise a 'B' list like that. Fair play to the mum if she hadn't - obviously budgets affect the size of the list of invitees and not everybody can be invited. Everyone gets that. But not putting up a list of not-yet-invited people that everyone can see! That's terrible!

I met the mum for coffee in August and she never mentioned it Because at that stage your dd wasn't invited and you would only have found out about it on FB (if you'd looked).

YANBU, it's shockingly poor manners to do that. (Not having a list of spares, just publicising it...)

Antibles · 17/09/2019 14:14

Publishing a reserve list is a bit odd but I honestly wouldn't be upset about this overall. Your daughter has been invited.

Places are often limited. Maybe your DD and this child aren't best friends, but she's still thought of her and wants her to come now there is a space. This is a good thing!

The mum clearly doesn't mean to be offensive or she wouldn't have been perfectly open with you about this. She's just doing her best to manage this very standard situation.

I've also had to make tough guest choices, and in exchange have happily accepted late invitations on behalf of my children.

Do you not offer out later invitations to other kids when someone else can't make it?

Birdsfoottrefoil · 17/09/2019 14:16

I would be tempted to reply that we were still wondering what to do on the Saturday but if we decided not to do anything then dd might come along.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 17/09/2019 14:16

That's really rude, not so much doing that, but doing it so that people are aware who are the A and B-listers.

If it was you that was invited I'd be saying screw them, but as it's your child who loves a good party, I'd take them.

Birdsfoottrefoil · 17/09/2019 14:17

Would probably just ask dd though and if she wanted to go then accept the invite graciously

TheKarateKitty · 17/09/2019 14:19

I don’t know why people keep going on about the reserve, limited space etc. People with kids know that, anyone that’s hosted anything knows that.

It doesn’t seem at all that itself is the issue, and as OP hosts, she must know about limited numbers.

She’s upset, a bit as she said, at the public posting of the plan B list, and that the other mum verbally confirmed it.

No, limiting the number of guests isn’t rude.

The thing to do would be to not have the list public, nor say “oh yeah, someone else dropped out so you’re/your kid is filler.” Because that’s essentially what happened.

She should have kept that list to herself, just said that she’s glad to have her, and left it at that, when OP said thank you.

@Lizzylozzy444 just shrug it off and send your DD so she can have fun. She won’t know.