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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD invited as a last resort

114 replies

Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 13:30

Hello,
Just wanted to see what others think regarding this...
recently received a party invitation via Facebook Events very late last night. Party is for this Saturday coming for my daughter to attend. Very short notice but I'm always happy for her to attend parties and she enjoys them so I clicked the accept button. Then I noticed that the party event page had been set up in June and people on there had been RSVPing since then and there was something written about a reserve list and my daughters name was on the bottom it?! I messaged the mum and thanked her for the lovely invitation and she replied saying sorry it was short notice but she was waiting to see if there was space for my DD if someone else declined their invitation.
I find this a bit rude but I'm probably wrong, I don't know? I'd never do this to someone, or at least not tell them they were a second choice! I've always had the other child at DDs parties and their siblings and made them welcome!

OP posts:
UnderHisEyeBall · 17/09/2019 15:27

The main issue here is publishing the reserve list.

You can deal with situations like this delicately, but this is plain nasty.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 17/09/2019 16:02

I never mind about my DC or me being on the reserve list.
One of the best weddings I've been to was when we (just friends of friends really) were upgraded from evening guests to full day due to a late cancellation. Even if people are polite enough not to be explain the details (and publishing the list is definitely off), a last minute invitation is dead giveaway. DC always want more guests than money/space will allow.

In fact I think this is commonplace enough that I make sure to RSVP really quickly if we can't attend something, so that someone else can be invited without it seeming too obvious.

FishCakesFishCakesLovelyLovely · 17/09/2019 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OMGshefoundmeout · 17/09/2019 16:14

I’ve been a B list invitee occasionally as an adult. It honestly doesn’t bother me, in fact I think sometimes I was more like a D or E lister. If someone books a hall or restaurant or has a house/budget that that can only fit 20 guests then they can only invite 20 guests no matter how many more people they might like to attend. In fact in my experience the majority of the first 20 invitees are the people you ‘have’ to invite like inlaws and cousins and colleagues. Once these duty invitations are declined than you can move on to the more fun people.

That being said, the mum was very thoughtless to make it so obvious. A certain amount of discretion is always tactful in these situations.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2019 16:14

I think it was really insensitive to publish the list of the attendees full stop let alone reserves. Dd was invited as a last minute to a party when she was about 6. The mum was upfront and I was fine with that.

Your dd wants to go, I’d let her go. Having a public list of reserves says more about your friend than it does about your dd. Are you going to say anything to her after the event or just let it go and make a mental note?

Butterfly84 · 17/09/2019 16:17

Reserve list??? Wtf. Is this some exclusive red carpet event? Are these children on the reserve list as actors for a theatre performance?

A reserve list for a child's party is bonkers. I would not be taking my child to this party, full stop.

HeadintheiClouds · 17/09/2019 16:22

They posted the reserve lit’s on Facebook? Seriously? And you only saw it after you’d accepted? 🤔

Flicketyflack · 17/09/2019 16:28

We had this in y6
Fortunately my son had something else on so we declined
I only found out that he was second to be asked after he told me his friend had been invited with a paper invitation (I had a text). DS was not shocked as the lad does this all the time!
I am hoping for Karma to kick in now he is a Secondary school because older children won't tolerate thisWink

TriDreigiau · 17/09/2019 16:40

Having a reserve list is understandable if there are limited funds and/or limited spaces...making the reserve list public is unforgivable!

^^ This.

If she was happy go and would enjoy it I'd send her - but I think it would affect how I view things with this mother going forward,

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 17/09/2019 16:52

It's not rude to have a reserve list where there's a ceiling on numbers. It's rude to make it public , which is effectively what she's done by setting the event up this way on Facebook.

But your DD and hers shouldn't suffer because she's rude/clueless.

leiaskye · 17/09/2019 16:53

My daughter has always had a reserve list (August birthday) but I wouldn’t dream of letting the kids on it know!

Msmayhem · 17/09/2019 16:57

Even if she was on the reserve list, which in itself is rude, the last thing I'd do would be to tell her. If it were me in her position I probably wouldn't go, but if she wants to then she should go. And enjoy it.

Shopkinsdoll · 17/09/2019 17:00

I think it’s very rude, even saying that is bloody rude! It’s a hard one though, I would just send her so she’s not missing out. But I can understand if you decide not too. Five pounds in a card. Nothing more. She didn’t have to tell you that though.

WonderWomansSpin · 17/09/2019 17:20

Could she possibly have posted the list by accident? I'm struggling to believe someone would be that rude.
I think it's obvious that your DD made the list because you and the mum are friends, not because the DCs are. That might be worth bearing in mind going forward.

Original poster
Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 17:24

@TheRobinIsBobbingAlong sorry I've just realised it's a typo, I meant DD not DS. I've had the siblings before at my daughters parties over the years.

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FlowerBasket · 17/09/2019 17:25

Aw I know, but it's hard to accommodate all the kids you'd want to invite. It is unfortunate that the "reserve" list was made so obvious though. Nobody really wants to know they were not the first choice.

As a kid, I remember being invited by my friend's family to go with them to an event (like a theatre show). My friend's family were quite posh and I always got the impression they didn't think I was quite good enough/posh enough for their DD. I was pleased to be invited to the event and thought I must be in their good books to be invited. I was surprised however to find her parents were no more warm to me than usual. Then, during the event, my friend innocently told me straight that their first choice (another friend) had dropped out last minute and that's why I'd been invited otherwise I wouldn't have been. I was crushed... I just hope your DD doesn't know/realise she was on the "reserve list". Don't tell her or let her overhear it.

TheKarateKitty · 17/09/2019 17:26

“I messaged the mum and thanked her for the lovely invitation and she replied saying sorry it was short notice but she was waiting to see if there was space for my DD if someone else declined their invitation.” Confused

AutumnFabreeze · 17/09/2019 17:29

I've had stuff like this. Ask DD if she wants to go. Don't mention about being a reserve. If she really wants to go then let her. Going to these parties will strengthen her friendships with others.

I wouldn't be picking out some thoughtful gift though. Just something run of the mill.

I'd suck it up but not give her mum the time of day.

CoinOperatedBoy · 17/09/2019 17:30

The reserve list makes sense.

But I think it's VERY rude (either that or just plain moronic) to post it in a group where all the other parents can see it. It'll just cause a lot of unneccessary bitchyness. I hope party girl/boy start talking about it at school "You were top, you were bottom" etc etc. Ugh.

CoinOperatedBoy · 17/09/2019 17:32

^^ doesn't - obviously!

Original poster
Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 17:32

@HeadintheiClouds what's with the confused face? I only very recently received the invitation via Facebook events. I thought the event had only just been organised. Scrolled down the page and saw it had in fact been planned ages and saw that the mum had listed confirmed attendees add then a list of other names (my DD included) who were reserve. I didn't know of this party until then.

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Original poster
Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 17:36

@HeadintheiClouds I'd already clicked on the tick to accept then scrolled down after that and realised she was on reserve. When you receive a Facebook invite on Events, you normally look at the date and time and then click yes/no/maybe without necessarily scrolling down the whole page. I wish I'd have looked first in hindsight!

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Anothernotherone · 17/09/2019 17:52

Lizzylozzy444 what's the party (50 kids in a church hall with an entertainer or 8 children doing laser tag/ build a bear). How old are the children?

It makes a massive difference.

Older children shouldn't have to invite mum's friend's children instead of their friends, toddlers don't care.

Reserve list for a massive hall party is shit, reserve list for something which costs £15+ per guest or a fixed high price for "up to" say 8 participants is eminently sensible.

Obviously as everyone keeps saying it was jaw dropping my tactless to actually point it DD was B list, but maybe it was foot in mouth - publishing the reserve list is hard to explain away unless there's any way she didn't realise it was public...

Original poster
Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 18:19

@OooErMissus sorry for lack of clarification, the children are friends. Not school friends though but see each other regularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 18:21

@Anothernotherone kids are 6. 30 plus kids invited to a church hall type of the set up with an entertainer

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