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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD invited as a last resort

114 replies

Lizzylozzy444 · 17/09/2019 13:30

Hello,
Just wanted to see what others think regarding this...
recently received a party invitation via Facebook Events very late last night. Party is for this Saturday coming for my daughter to attend. Very short notice but I'm always happy for her to attend parties and she enjoys them so I clicked the accept button. Then I noticed that the party event page had been set up in June and people on there had been RSVPing since then and there was something written about a reserve list and my daughters name was on the bottom it?! I messaged the mum and thanked her for the lovely invitation and she replied saying sorry it was short notice but she was waiting to see if there was space for my DD if someone else declined their invitation.
I find this a bit rude but I'm probably wrong, I don't know? I'd never do this to someone, or at least not tell them they were a second choice! I've always had the other child at DDs parties and their siblings and made them welcome!

OP posts:
Moonsick · 17/09/2019 14:22

Dollydaydream114 -

The reserve list is public. It’s on the party Facebook page so all the other parents can see it. The OP can see her child was the very very last on the list, ranked under all the other reserves. The OP knows this woman and her children and has had them at her own children’s birthday parties. So yes, quite hurtful.

The last minute invitation is something that happens and I have no problem with when it’s handled well. This wasn’t.

mcmooberry · 17/09/2019 14:25

What sort of party is it? I have RTFT so sorry if I missed it. If something with a definite restriction in numbers/very expensive per head then I would be more understanding especially if they are not at the same school. The public reserve list though....

RIBlue · 17/09/2019 14:26

Don’t really see the problem with this; my partner is on the reserve list for a friend of mines wedding next year, she only knows him via me and has only met him a handful of times.

She’ll let us a know the week before, if he makes the cut great, if not he can be my taxi driver (also great!).

Both he and I consider this completely reasonable!

coolestmum · 17/09/2019 14:35

I don't think its rude. My ds recently had a birthday party which allowed him to take 4 friends. I had paid for spaces for 5 children. Two of them dropped out a couple days before, so I asked ds if he wanted to invite 2 other friends in their place, which he did. They were delighted, they all had a good time. I don't see the issue.
Likewise dd was once invited somewhere last minute because it was a paid for event per head and a child had dropped out which freed up a space for her to go. We were not offended at being 'second choice'. It didn't even cross our minds we were second choice, just that there were limited spaces and dd was now lucky to be able to go. Its a kids party ffs.

Drum2018 · 17/09/2019 14:37

Especially as Ive always had her 3 kids at all my sons parties

Well you'll know not to have party guest's siblings at your kids parties from now on. People take the piss. Your friend clearly doesn't care that you might be put out by her rudeness. It's time to stop being so accommodating when it's your child birthday.

ForeverAlone1987 · 17/09/2019 14:40

Although it has come across rude, it is a thing where having a certain amount of children to be there and the child has most likely said who he/she wants to be there. Like at my sons soft play party, he can only invite 25 kids (rules of the place), and theres 30 kids in his class, so I would be inclined to say that I would do the same, but I probably would have worded it different to be honest. Sometimes you have to think outside the box, as I have learnt x

Beautiful3 · 17/09/2019 14:46

We had this too. At first I was confused but realised that the party invitation was in 3 days! I declined. I spoke to others at school and realised the same day she pulled her two children out of the party was the same day mine got invited. My husband said ask the kids, if they want to go then go. But I told him the party was 17 miles away and I didn't have time to buy a present. I declined.

NoSauce · 17/09/2019 14:48

Odd of the mum to tell you but I would still send DD if she wants to go.

milliefiori · 17/09/2019 14:51

I think it's understandable if numbers are limited. DC invite their close friends but then if some can't come they invite other people they like but know less well.

whyayepetal · 17/09/2019 14:52

In your shoes, I would let DD go if you think she would enjoy it. Wouldn't be spending a lot on the present, and wouldn't be inviting all of the party child's siblings to the next party for my DD either. As PP have said, reserve lists handled tactfully are something most people do to some extent, but this FB publication business is something else, and so hurtful from someone you clearly see as a close friend. If your DD goes, I hope she has a wonderful time Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 17/09/2019 14:53

I'd tell her to Ram her Party invite where the sun don't shine. Grin

CatFaceCats · 17/09/2019 14:54

I’ve often done this when we’ve done smaller birthday parties - but I’ve asked the parents first, before I’ve set up any sort of FB page. Usually all parents are pretty good at attending or not the FB event page pretty much straight away. So if I do get a no, I’ll add someone else pretty quickly. I certainly wouldn’t have a reserve list on display!
My kids were also last minute invited to a neighbours bowling party - they are at different schools so I wouldn’t have expected one at all. She messaged the morning and explained she had 2 spare spaces if my children wanted to go. So they went, I wasn’t offended in the slightest.

Waffleswaffles · 17/09/2019 14:55

What's really rude and inconsiderate is to have a "reserve list" on FB for everyone to see!

NoTheresa · 17/09/2019 14:56

Decline. It’s not acceptable behaviour and anyone who thinks it is had no manners, frankly.

NoTheresa · 17/09/2019 14:56

...has no

TheDarkPassenger · 17/09/2019 14:56

I mean what she did was practical, but cunty to let you know your dad is reserve.. you keep that shit to yourself man!

Be the bigger person though, if your daughter wants to go just go, it’s not the kids fault mum is ridiculous

sailingclosetothewind · 17/09/2019 14:57

That is outrageously rude, and very very embarrassing.

No child of mine would be attending a party where she was listed at the bottom of the public 'reserve' list!! Absolutely over my dead body.

Please teach children self respect!

They should not be grateful for being at the bottom of some snotty kid's party list!! No way. I am so insulted for you op. I would not be telling dd about the party, say she was invited but you are busy, and tell this mother unfortunately something more interesting has come up and you won't be attending after all.

WTAF! I am really shocked, and though I had seen/heard it all in the last 15 years clearly not!

MyNameIsIrrelevant · 17/09/2019 14:57

Definitely rude!
Don't let your DD know this please!

MyNameIsIrrelevant · 17/09/2019 14:59

Ouch, just seen your old friends too. Really bad form on her part!
My old friends have kids the same age as mine and are first choice not last resort!

PablosHoney · 17/09/2019 15:00

This happened to my daughter, invited the day before to a expensive 'per head' water inflatable party thing due to sickness, we knew she was a fill in but she went and enjoyed it. I was surprised she wasn't initially invited but I get the impression the parent thought she'd be too timid or something.

NoTheresa · 17/09/2019 15:05

Charming and horribly judgmental.

Lweji · 17/09/2019 15:11

What kind of thick arse sets up a party event page with reserve lists?

Unless you've told your child about it, I'd decline. Particularly because it's your friend's child party and not a school mate.

Daphnesmate · 17/09/2019 15:13

I am surprised the list was so public. I am limiting the number invited to dd's party (cannot physically accommodate) there are a few children in reserve if invitees cannot attend. The invites our going out in a very low key way, hopefully no-one need ever find out that they are actually on the reserve list, just that their invites went out a bit late. It does happen, just usually not so overtly.

Bobthefishermanswife · 17/09/2019 15:15

I don't think your daughter being a reserve invitee is rude as they can only accommodate x children.
I do however think the reserve list being on the Facebook page for all to see is rude.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 17/09/2019 15:19

I'm a bit confused as to the friendships. You say you've invited this woman's 3 DCs to all your son's parties, yet this particular invitation is to your DD. Do the other DCs usually come to your DDs parties? Are they close to her? Was your DS invited to this party? I get that you're a long standing friend to the mother, but are the kids really that close?

That aside, I think publishing the A list and B list on the event page is bad form.