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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being over-sensitive re. comments from my mum

93 replies

MeredithGrey1 · 19/08/2019 07:23

My DD is 8 weeks old and my mum keeps bringing up how long my labour was. It was 24 hours from the very first contraction to DD being born, with 40 mins of pushing. Firstly, I don’t think this is even that long, especially for a first baby, but maybe I’m wrong? And secondly, even if it is long, when my mum brings it up it’s not in a “well done for doing it” kind of way, she says things like “you were pushing for AGES, you must have been doing it wrong” and “if labour took you that long, you must not be built for it” or (rather gleefully) “I always knew you’d struggle to get a baby out, I was right!” (I don’t physically take after my mum, I’m shorter and have a narrower build, and have always been underweight, but healthy, so I think that’s what she means).

When she first said it right after DD was born I was a bit irritated but assumed it wouldn’t really come up again, but she finds ways to bring it up all the time. If I ask her to stop she just tells me not to be so sensitive, which is a pretty standard retort from her if anyone asks her to stop commenting on something.

Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
AnnaBegins · 19/08/2019 07:29

Wow no you are not being too sensitive! Congratulations on your baby and well done on labour. My first was a 24hr labour too but way longer pushing. Sounds like your body did you proud.

I have similar issues with my mum so I do know this is unlikely to fully work, but now you've asked her to shut up about it, every time she mentions it I would roll my eyes and say, yes yes we've heard your opinion, or just a simple, that's nice or that's interesting, and change the subject.

Pashazade · 19/08/2019 07:30

Hmm it sounds like your mum has form for picking up on sensitive subjects and prodding at them. It sounds like you had a perfectly normal birth, (I was in labour for 36 hours, and pushing for far too long). I hope your labour was a calm experience it sounds like it all went fine. I'm not sure how to deal with this other than to simply ignore her when the subject comes up or state that you're not discussing it and move the conversation on. Also when she says your being sensitive, says yes I am and the fact you chose to ignore that is hurtful, now can we please discuss something else. You may need to come up with a strategy as if she usually ignores people being upset with her comments she could start picking at your parenting, if she's decided commenting on your baby's birth is acceptable. Congratulations though, I hope you're getting a few hours together to sleep!

brassbrass · 19/08/2019 07:32

No you're not being sensitive she seems to be wanting to suck the joy out of your achievement. Instead of celebrating your new baby after what sounds like a difficult labour she's focusing on trying to make you feel crap about yourself. Presumably she has history of doing this? Is there anyway you can spend less time with her or tell her quite bluntly that you don't give a shit if she thinks you're being sensitive that she needs to stop otherwise you'll be spending less time with her as you fully intend to focus on enjoying your baby. Don't let her spoil these precious early memories.

Preggosaurus9 · 19/08/2019 07:34

"Stop being over sensitive" is what bullies say when they're called out on their nasty comments. Any normal person would be mortified for saying something hurtful, apologise and not do it again!

She sounds horrible and you might need to to think about her treatment of you overall. Think about if this is a person you want influencing your DC as they grow up.

brassbrass · 19/08/2019 07:35

The trouble with ignoring and rolling your eyes is it doesn't actually get you the result you want which is for her to stop. As another poster said when she gets tired of this topic she will move onto something else to pick at you with. Call her out on it. Don't let this dynamic continue.

Snowfalling · 19/08/2019 07:39

Op, your labour sounds very standard for a first baby. I only wish mine had been 24 hours. 4 day labour here with 2 hours of pushing. Be assertive and tell her drop it, she's spoiling this special time for you.

I think she sounds jealous of your slimmer figure.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 19/08/2019 07:41

Did she have a short labour with you? If she did you were obviously desperate to escape, which I’d point out to her.

Mine's obsessed with morning sickness. Every time i speak to her she asks if I’ve been sick yet. The only time i have been so far was after telling her i was pregnant, at which point she went on and on about throwing up!

I only talk to her once a week. It's best for my mental health (and my stomach!]

AudacityOfHope · 19/08/2019 07:42

'Shut up, Mum'

Snowflake9 · 19/08/2019 07:44

She sounds delightful 🙄🙄

I would just tell her straight. It hurts my feelings that you are diminishing my labour experience. My body did exactly what it was supposed to do and I now have a beautiful baby. I am proud of myself and if you aren't then you should keep it to yourself

I am 39 weeks pregnant and my mother had repeatedly told me how I am not going to cope well with labour. I told her after she had said it a few times to stop making nasty comments and I have actually passed two large kidney stones without pain relief and actually passed out with the pain. Was at work at the time and had to have an ambulance called for me. Soon shut her up.

Smurfy23 · 19/08/2019 07:45

"Can I just stop you there, DM. 24 hours from start to finish is pretty good going for a first time baby and 40 minutes pushing us particularly good- if you dont believe me look it up. Theres nothing wrong with my build so let's just leave it there shall we?". If she says you're being overly sensitive, calmly say that you're not and shes the one harping on negatively about something that happened 8 weeks ago. If she has nothing nice to say, then she needs to leave it. Stay calm but be firm. Shes out of line- either shes jealous or was hoping for a disaster (or both) and is disappointed.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 19/08/2019 07:45

She sounds unpleasant. My mother can be like this - "I'm only joking" is her defence if called out, followed by crying and saying that she "just can't get anything right". However she is so insecure that she has an absolute compulsion to make snide comments (only ever to and about women and children, never men) in order to feel superior.

I started calling her out very bluntly when she started in my own, then still small, daughter. She doesn't do it to me or my kids any more (though it took years to stop, and several episodes of crocodile tears and my father, who can't see through her, defending her and claiming that she doesn't mean any harm and is trying to help when she makes nasty digs!) but still does it to everyone else...

I didn't cotton on to how she is until I had my own children tbh - it can knock the scales from your eyes.

Call her out. Be blunt. Don't put up with it, or in a few years your child will be a target too, and she'll be undermining your parenting by constantly telling you you're doing it wrong and she was much better at it.

LizzieSiddal · 19/08/2019 07:46

When she says “you’re being over sensitive” say “No I am not. I’m fed up with you talking about my labour. I don’t want to talk about it again with you”.

Then every time she brings it up, get up and walk out of the room.

MakeItRain · 19/08/2019 07:47

She's trying to make you feel bad. Is she jealous of you for some reason? Does she have an unhappy relationship? She's not as happy as you for whatever reason and she's trying to get under your skin.

I would try to be relentlessly positive in your response. "But she was worth all the effort!" and cuddle with your baby. Or do it by speaking to your baby "you were worth every minute!" Or "how can you think I wasn't built for it when dd is so perfect!" Or "she was obviously too cosy and wanted to stay there" Or make it her problem, "Mum, stop worrying about the birth, she's here now and she's wonderful, you're the only one still dwelling on it". Failing that just avoid her and bombard her with photos of your cute dd, preferably with you or your partner smiling in the photo.

Your labour sounds entirely normal. I was in labour for 3 days! Pushed for about 20 mins I think and I thought that was really fast at the time so 40 doesn't sound too long. Ignore your mum and tell yourself she's the one with a problem here.

Congratulations too! Flowers

Redken24 · 19/08/2019 07:48

Congratulations on your baby! You did amazing!
Your mum just being a weiner I'm afraid. She's never learned that childbirth ain't a competition. If she keeps saying anything, I'd just work on your reply. Ignore what she says and if she keeps at it, ask her what point she's trying to make by repeating herself.

Glasscrab · 19/08/2019 07:49

‘Zip it, Mother’?

NoSauce · 19/08/2019 07:52

Some women are so strange. Why would anyone keep saying shit like this? OP you’re not being sensitive at all, your mum of all people should be supporting you not putting you down.

You labour sounds perfectly normal. Enjoy your baby Flowers

Silversky70 · 19/08/2019 07:54

The trouble you've got, is that now you have a baby this is only going to get worse. She is going to pick up on everything. What a horrible woman. You probably need your mum a lot right now to help, but I'd really try and go the other way and reduce contact. She is going to ruin this for you.

Loveislandaddict · 19/08/2019 07:54

“When she says “you’re being over sensitive” say “No I am not. I’m fed up with you talking about my labour. I don’t want to talk about it again with you”.

Then every time she brings it up, get up and walk out of the room.”

This!

Congratulations on your newborn.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 19/08/2019 07:54

And why do you spend any time with her?

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 19/08/2019 07:55

And also .....WWMG do. Chanel your inner Mer!

Poochandmutt · 19/08/2019 07:57

She dosnt sound supportive or in your corner ,is she seeing it like a competition between you both ...don’t have her in your life if she makes you feel bad

ravenmum · 19/08/2019 08:01

Even if it had been a long labour, why is she still going on about it after 8 weeks? Maybe she likes getting a reaction from you? Or wants confirmation that once again she has turned out to be right and an amazing predicter of the future?

TickleMyTitsTilFriday · 19/08/2019 08:03

Mine still laughs (10 years later) about what a fuss I made during labour. I couldn't push her out either- she was stuck and needed forceps in the end 😤

toomuchtooold · 19/08/2019 08:04

What you need to ask yourself, and not just with this comment but in general, anything she does, is "is this how someone who is my friend would treat me?" And if it isn't, you don't need to listen to it - tell her to come back when she has something civil to say to you. PPs are right when they say this is only going to get worse now you have a child. You're doing your mum a massive favour - one she doesn't particularly deserve - if you nip this stuff in the bud right now, so that she can have a decent relationship with you and your DC and do her sniping somewhere else.

R44Me · 19/08/2019 08:07

I think raising your voice a bit and making a sharp reply. Even just 'if you can't be pleasant just stay away' is the way to go.
If you are normally the appeaser a sharp retort will go a long way.
Trying to reason with a bully often gets turned round onto you ie 'you're too sensitive'. Just make it clear you are angry/annoyed. And that you don't need her.