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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being over-sensitive re. comments from my mum

93 replies

MeredithGrey1 · 19/08/2019 07:23

My DD is 8 weeks old and my mum keeps bringing up how long my labour was. It was 24 hours from the very first contraction to DD being born, with 40 mins of pushing. Firstly, I don’t think this is even that long, especially for a first baby, but maybe I’m wrong? And secondly, even if it is long, when my mum brings it up it’s not in a “well done for doing it” kind of way, she says things like “you were pushing for AGES, you must have been doing it wrong” and “if labour took you that long, you must not be built for it” or (rather gleefully) “I always knew you’d struggle to get a baby out, I was right!” (I don’t physically take after my mum, I’m shorter and have a narrower build, and have always been underweight, but healthy, so I think that’s what she means).

When she first said it right after DD was born I was a bit irritated but assumed it wouldn’t really come up again, but she finds ways to bring it up all the time. If I ask her to stop she just tells me not to be so sensitive, which is a pretty standard retort from her if anyone asks her to stop commenting on something.

Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Oneborneverydecade · 19/08/2019 08:08

I'd mention her child bearing hips. Obviously there's nothing wrong with being bigger hipped but it sounds like she might be sensitive and won't mention it again

flouncyfanny · 19/08/2019 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Herocomplex · 19/08/2019 08:14

Tell her that you were looking forward to her love and support during this lovely time, and how disappointed you are that she’s stuck on something you can’t change. Tell her if she can’t enjoy it then maybe go and do something else.

If you act now you can stop a lot of nonsense in the future.

But has she always been like this? Is she a bit jealous that you’re a mum now?

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 19/08/2019 08:15

4 hours pushing and turned out he was facing the wrong way so was never going to come out. 40 minutes sounds ideal to me.

Just tell her to shut up, channel your inner 13 year old.

Mileysmiley · 19/08/2019 08:15

Take no notice of her every labor is different .. I thought my second would be quicker and it was infact too quick I barely had time to get on the bed before my son shot out ... he has been a pain in the bum ever since!

ColdAndSad · 19/08/2019 08:15

You have to address this. Tell her, next time she says it, that her comments are hurtful and upsetting, and you are not going to discuss this with her any more. If she brings it up again--by saying she was only joking, or that you're being too sensitive, you get up and leave without another word. If she's at your house, you get up and hand her her coat and tell her to leave, and say nothing else. Go upstairs if you have to get away from her. Just refuse to engage, and she will soon work out that she can't get away with this any more.

If you do this expect her to kick off at first. She'll cry, she'll involve other people in the argument, she'll go out of her way to phone and text and bother you. Ignore it all. But she will eventually get the hint that it's not acceptable to purposely upset you.

ModreB · 19/08/2019 08:15

You did brilliantly. I had a 27 hour labour with DS1, a 10 hour labour with DS2 and a 5 hour labour with DS3. Tell her to bugger off unless she can say something nice.

Enjoy your squishy new baby xx

SunflowerSunshine · 19/08/2019 08:16

I think childbirth and babies bring out the worst in some mothers/ MIL’s. It’s some weird insecure competitive thing. She’s probably got some deep routed issues as honestly I don’t know anyone who even cares or mentions the birth after a few weeks anyway.

I agree to call her out on it. Pretty soon she will start picking at your parenting so you need to be firm. Also if spending time with her is making you feel bad I’d distance myself.

My labour was 35 hours. I had every bit of pain relief going and if anyone even hinted to me that I had ‘failed’ in any way there would be hell to pay.

Iilana · 19/08/2019 08:16

Hey a spray bottle filled with water, every time she mentions it spray her with water and shout "bad mother"...I mean if she's gonna behave like a bitch and not listen to you kindly asking her to stop....
Just as pp said she sounds like a bully using the phrase "stop being so sensitive", my mother is like this, it really is more about her insecurities rather than about you, do you need to see her often? If not I'd go low or no communication for a while. If she then enquiries as to why you're not around explain calmly and in a monotone voice that she doesn't respect your request to drop the subject, you're not being oversensitive and thus you have reduced communication with her until she apologises and stops mentioning it. If she blows up either walk away or put phone down.
Congratulations on your newborn.

Ponoka7 · 19/08/2019 08:17

As a pp did, i started to challenge my Mother and just shut her down.

Do it in a factual "why do you think it's appropriate to speak like tgis?" way. Most Women old enough to be Grandmothers have learnt how gently to handle new Mums.

There were times, especially during my pregnancies when I was NC. Just after birth (and at other difficult times) I was LC.

She's schooled you to think you're being over sensitive when you question her negativity.

Put a stop to it, even if you have to tell her to get out of your house.

Butterymuffin · 19/08/2019 08:17

'Not this AGAIN, Mum, what's your obsession with going on about it?' Make it her failing that she keeps bringing it up.

Herocomplex · 19/08/2019 08:19

God, the spray bottle idea is making me laugh. Bad mother! Brilliant.

MrsGrammaticus · 19/08/2019 08:20

I'd just tell her she's boring and do a huge yawn.....then yap out "boring nana" to your baby. Tell her the birth experience was "excellent" and you can't wait to do it again....over and over again, lots and lots of babies for boring nana to roll up her sleeves and help with!

KM99 · 19/08/2019 08:21

I'd be inclined to be back in her face.

"Mum, you do know there is no such thing as a "normal" labour, don't you?"

"Mum, I have asked you multiple times to stop going on about it. Are you having memory problems?"

Buy her a card and a cheap medal congratulating her on being right. And then write in the card "so what?"

C0untDucku1a · 19/08/2019 08:22

Enjoy your baby. Limit your mother.

Mine is the same. And explaining why they are being a nob, or trying to have a conversation about it, doesnt work with these types of people. Because they dont give a shit how i makes you feel.

With mine ive adopted a new method of pointing out the nastiness in an obvious way, just saying, ‘what a nasty thing to say!’ Not opening discussion, as there is no point. Just pointing out the nastiness. If she responds with it was a joke, maybe ‘theres only you laughing’ or ‘nobody think that is funny.’

FenellaMaxwell · 19/08/2019 08:22

Is she overweight by any chance....?

feelingverylazytoday · 19/08/2019 08:23

No you're not being oversensitive at all.
Giving birth is not a competition or a race, there's no 'wrong' way of doing it. Your mother is being ignorant and ridiculous.
I would have to tell her to STFU about it, tbh.

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 08:23

“you were pushing for AGES, you must have been doing it wrong”
I know mum - if only the hospital had let you take over from them, it all would have gone much faster if you were in charge - what with your professional midwifery qualifications & all ...

“if labour took you that long, you must not be built for it”
Don't worry mum - next time I'm getting my entire pelvis retooled at the mechanic's in the third trimester ...

“I always knew you’d struggle to get a baby out, I was right!”
Too right mum - who knew a baby took 24 hours to get out! After all, everyone else achieves parturition in 30 minutes flat, don't they!

stop being so sensitive
"righto mum, just as soon as you stop talking bollocks"

You retain control of your understandable irritation - & the situation - by mocking her every crass statement. When you are the one making little pops back at her, you are telling her that she can't upset you, that you will retain your sense of self, & that she is being ridiculous.

It sounds like she's massively insecure to keep making pass-ag digs at her daughter. Is part of her problem maybe that all she has ever achieved in her own life is popping out some kids - but oh, she did it SO much better than you did?

Chickychoccyegg · 19/08/2019 08:27

you're definitely not being over sensitive, she sounds like she's jealous that your now a mum.
Call her out on it everytime, some of the pp ideas are good.
My first labour was 32 hours from first contraction, no ones ever mentioned it apart from me Smile
enjoy your lovely new baby!

BogglesGoggles · 19/08/2019 08:27

How quickly were you born?! Anything under an hour is fast. 24 hours from first contractions is completely normal. Labour doesn’t happen in real life like it does in the movies.

Tonnerre · 19/08/2019 08:29

"Mum, you seem to be extremely obsessed about this, have you thought about a psychiatric check?"

IdblowJonSnow · 19/08/2019 08:33

She sounds jealous. I'd avoid her for a bit if she's going to be like this. She'll get the message.
Congrats on your daughter. Flowers

goingdeepinthesky · 19/08/2019 08:36

You had a very normal first labour. Sounds pretty text book to me.

Your mum is awful. The 'stop being sensitive' response is a manipulative ploy to stop you ever being able to call her out. It means she can say what she likes and your normal response to her unpleasantness becomes your responsibility, not hers.

Be strict. Tell her that if she says things hurtful or unacceptable you expect her to stop saying them when you tell her you don't like them. If she doesn't tell her that you will stop seeing her. If you are out at hers, walk away, If she is at yours tell her to leave immediately. You shouldn't have to behave like this with a grown adult, but if she can't respond like a reasonable adult to your reasonable requests, then you don't have much option if you want this to stop.

SeekingShade · 19/08/2019 08:37

You don't have to spend time with her. There's this idea that once you have a baby you spend lots of time with your mum. That's because most people's are nice and supportive. You really have no obligation to spend time with someone who is mean and critical. Imagine in a few years time when she starts this behaviour to your child. You don't have to cut her out of your life, but think about limiting the amount of time you spend together, stop telling her personal stuff and NEVER EVER rely on her for child care.

Veterinari · 19/08/2019 08:38

No she’s a dick.

I’d just ask why she’s So determined to make a perfectly normal labour resulting in a healthy baby into some kind of travesty? Normal labour, normal baby. The only thing abnormal is your mum’s behaviour and persistent attachment to discussing it. Perhaps she’s having memory issues