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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being over-sensitive re. comments from my mum

93 replies

MeredithGrey1 · 19/08/2019 07:23

My DD is 8 weeks old and my mum keeps bringing up how long my labour was. It was 24 hours from the very first contraction to DD being born, with 40 mins of pushing. Firstly, I don’t think this is even that long, especially for a first baby, but maybe I’m wrong? And secondly, even if it is long, when my mum brings it up it’s not in a “well done for doing it” kind of way, she says things like “you were pushing for AGES, you must have been doing it wrong” and “if labour took you that long, you must not be built for it” or (rather gleefully) “I always knew you’d struggle to get a baby out, I was right!” (I don’t physically take after my mum, I’m shorter and have a narrower build, and have always been underweight, but healthy, so I think that’s what she means).

When she first said it right after DD was born I was a bit irritated but assumed it wouldn’t really come up again, but she finds ways to bring it up all the time. If I ask her to stop she just tells me not to be so sensitive, which is a pretty standard retort from her if anyone asks her to stop commenting on something.

Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
hormonesorDHbeingadick · 19/08/2019 08:38

Pushing for a 40nins for first baby is fairly quick.

Booboostwo · 19/08/2019 08:39

"That is enough now" keep repeating this, no matter what she says. If you engage with this insanity, it will be an excuse for her to turn it against you, e.g. "Why are you in such a bad mood?" "I was only trying to make conversation" "You've really upset me" and other narcissistic nonsense.

Tweetingmagpie · 19/08/2019 08:44

Tbh the idea of a 24 hour labour and 40 minutes of pushing is horrific to me, my last baby I was only pushing for 4 minutes and I don’t think I’ve ever had to push for more than 10! So if she is similar to me then that might be why she’s so horrified by it, 4 minutes was enough Grin so I take my hate off to you Smile

However, mentioning it once is enough, she shouldn’t keep going on about it and definitely not in the tone you say she is, so yanbu, tell her to put a sock in it!

Tweetingmagpie · 19/08/2019 08:44

Hat!

SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2019 08:45

Can you drown her out with self confidence?

Smile and say to every comment "actually Mom I'm so proud of myself for how I coped with a difficult labour, especially when my own Mom thought I wouldn't be able to do it" and repeat

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 19/08/2019 08:46

Did she have a short labour with you? If she did you were obviously desperate to escape, which I’d point out to her.

Brilliant!

What an odd woman she sounds. Do you have any sisters to bitch about her with?

Elieza · 19/08/2019 08:48

For her to be putting you and others down with a know it all attitude makes me think that she feels smug when she’s right.
To do that and hurt other people so she can get confirmation of how clever she is seems wrong. Most people don’t require that much confirmation. Does she have many friends? I’m imagining not.
Sounds like she’s done it for years and you’ve not been too bothered, but others have a good point, you don’t want your child having to put up with this crap.
Your labour time was great. Two of my friends were 48 and 36hrs. One resulting in C section. Congrats you have managed really well and have a gorgeous baby!
Does your mother judge people’s success by how clean their home is or something that nobody nowadays cares about as she’s living in the past?
I’m taking it she’s been a stay at home mum, as quite frankly she wouldn’t be nipping people’s heads like that at teabreak in the workplace as shed be pulled up for that.
Chin her for it and tell her how long you laboured has no bearing on anything, you’d have had medical attention if what you were doing was wrong and anyway it’s over now so why continually talk about it? I don’t go on at you about that time you (something she’d rather forget). so can we just leave it?

But don’t go on at her too much as she could be your prime baby sitter ha ha!!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/08/2019 08:50

Your mum would think I’m really shit then as had to have a crash section at 35 weeks so couldn’t even keep baby in for long enough! I would just say-enough is enough, my lovely baby is 8weeks old now and you harping on about the birth, which I think I did very well at actually as I have a lovely healthy baby, is hurtful and quite boring now. Stop it or don’t bother visiting any more.

Tweetingmagpie · 19/08/2019 08:51

Also My own mother is a bit like this, she was there with me when I had my first and it was very quick for a first labour, 2 hours start to finish, the midwives kept telling me there was no way I could be in as much pain as I was saying because first labours can last for days , they wouldn’t even examine me to see if I’d dilated further and when they did I was fully dilated!

I had absolutely no pain relief because I forgot I was allowed any and no one offered me any and by the time I remembered it was too late and time to push! All she did was tell people how loud I was screaming and that I was like the girl off the exorcist, she still goes on about it now.

ZenNudist · 19/08/2019 08:51

I think I just see less of your mum she sounds horrible

24 hours is long. Its not your fault. Well done.

Deelish75 · 19/08/2019 08:55

24 hour first labour sound normal, 40 mins pushing with your first sounds pretty quick.
Your mum is talking bollocks! And the "don't be so sensitive" comments are pure manipulation.
I'd be temped to tell your mum that you've asked a lot of random stranger on an internet parenting forum and everyone thinks she's a bitch.

Biscuitsneeded · 19/08/2019 08:56

OP your experience is normal, you sound nice, your Mum sounds a bit odd. If she says anything again say to her "mum, would you be making this comment to someone else with the same experience, or is it just me you like to jeer at?".
There is a particular dynamic with some mothers who like to criticise their daughters for not being exactly the same as them. My own is a bit prone to this. If I were a psychoanalyst I'd be tempted to say they haven't fully achieved separation and understood that their daughter is not just just an extension of themselves - it's a bit narcissistic really.

Yeahnahmum · 19/08/2019 09:03

You are not oversensitive. You need to tell her that she should keep her negative comments to herself. You are amazing and did an amazing job. Do not let her mess with your head.

Babooshkar · 19/08/2019 09:05

Your mum sounds like an arsehole who enjoys making people feel bad. Sorry OP 😫

amusedbush · 19/08/2019 09:07

crying and saying that she "just can't get anything right"

Ugh, this is my mum's go-to as well. She is a narcissist and I try to have as little contact with her as possible.

Sx2B1G · 19/08/2019 09:13

If you check your discharge notes it will give you your actual length of labour. Labour doesn’t start until your 4cms dilated. 40 minutes is quick. I pushed for 2hrs with my first and over and hour with my second.

It sounds like you had a very normal first labour x

Yabbers · 19/08/2019 09:17

Tell her to stop, if you don’t like it.

LittleAndOften · 19/08/2019 09:19

Punch her on the nose. What nastiness! Mine was 40 hours. What does it matter anyway if you're all healthy, it's not a competitive sport! She's obviously being thoughtless and mean, you need to be brave and tell her it's not on. Good luck.

jesuschristwtf · 19/08/2019 09:19

No - you’re not being over sensitive, your mum however is being an arsehole.

CrazyAllAroundMe · 19/08/2019 09:21

If your mum is around 60 and had a hospital birth... It was an era generally that everything was sped up artificially as soon as they went in. My Mum was mortified at the 'torture the hospital let me endure for 72hrs' all of her labour's were short, painful and over with in way under 24 hrs from 1st niggle to placenta out then longer enforced period of recovery too... So your Mum may have had it easy artificially too.
Oh my mum was tiny & underweight all the way to her 40s makes zero difference she just had a high metabolism and busy life.
Your Mum sounds jealous.

MatildaTheCat · 19/08/2019 09:27

It’s sounds as if she was there for the delivery? If so, ‘You could be right I suppose, though the midwife said I did extremely well. However she did say to avoid negative influences so probably be best if you aren’t there if I have another baby.’

walkintheparc · 19/08/2019 09:27

Your mum is jealous that you are small and slim and she isn't, this is a way to make you feel bad about it.

I'd not justify it. Obviously you did nothing wrong, everyone's birth story is different and as others have said, the hospital would have intervened if something wasn't going right.

I would say 'I really don't care, baby is here and she's perfect. Why are you trying to make me feel bad about this, it's getting really boring'

RedWoollyHat · 19/08/2019 09:30

I'm not good at confrontation, but next time she accuses you of being "too sensitive" I would say, "No, you're being insensitive" and repeat like a stuck record. It sounds like she's jealous with some disordered stuff about weight/body shape (her own) going on. NOT an excuse for such thoughtlessness though.

cunningartificer · 19/08/2019 09:33

Yup, she’s being ridiculous. You’ll need to persist in asking her to stop, but be careful to be very calm so she doesn’t get more satisfaction from your upset response. I agree with pps that expressing concern about her motivations and calling it out as odd might help. You could also realign her competitive instincts (it’s strange you say that, all my friends have such supportive mothers, did I tell you about x who had a 48 hr labour and the wonderful thing her mother said to her?)

Oh and if she says you’re over sensitive, don’t accept that as a criticism, say yes, I am very perceptive about other people’s feelings, and that’s a good thing as it means I don’t upset people. So why are you so insensitive to mine?

whattodowith · 19/08/2019 09:34

My first birth was also 24 hours long, I think that’s normal.

Your Mum is being nit picky. Next time she brings it up just change the subject.