Am I being over-sensitive re. comments from my mum

[MeredithGrey1]

My DD is 8 weeks old and my mum keeps bringing up how long my labour was. It was 24 hours from the very first contraction to DD being born, with 40 mins of pushing. Firstly, I don’t think this is even that long, especially for a first baby, but maybe I’m wrong? And secondly, even if it is long, when my mum brings it up it’s not in a “well done for doing it” kind of way, she says things like “you were pushing for AGES, you must have been doing it wrong” and “if labour took you that long, you must not be built for it” or (rather gleefully) “I always knew you’d struggle to get a baby out, I was right!” (I don’t physically take after my mum, I’m shorter and have a narrower build, and have always been underweight, but healthy, so I think that’s what she means).

When she first said it right after DD was born I was a bit irritated but assumed it wouldn’t really come up again, but she finds ways to bring it up all the time. If I ask her to stop she just tells me not to be so sensitive, which is a pretty standard retort from her if anyone asks her to stop commenting on something.

Am I being over sensitive?

I dont think pithy come-backs are the way to go here. She just enjoys the reaction she is getting and she will never reflect on her own behaviour unless you do this:
“Why do you feel the the need to repeatedly bring this up?”

Dont sound sad or angry but rather curious as if it is an academic question. Then go totally quiet and expectantly wait for her answer. When she splutters some nonsense about sensitivity, then say
“But I have already said that I find it hurtful. Why are you trying to hurt me?

I do find this works quite well.

Or do the Bobby Adler “told you so” song and dance when she brings up that she “knew” that you would have difficulties and she was right!! (For all Will and Grace fans). That works a treat too!

Considering all the things that could go terribly wrong, you’d think your own mother would be thrilled you & your baby were healthy & safe, and that you were amazing!
She is no expert. Tell her to stop all the negative personal comments.
Congratulations on your new baby!

I get sad reading these threads.. when people ask if they're being over sensitive to be bothered about comments like this. Sorry OP but your mum sounds like an awful person and I wouldn't be able to stand being around her. Why do some parents love being cruel to their children!

I like the idea of either calling her out on it "Gosh what a nasty thing to say, why do you feel the need to bring others down?" or drowning her in positivity. "Well I'm proud of myself" etc

Don't think your mum knows what she's on about!! 40 mins of pushing is amazing and 24 hour labour isn't too bad at all. Mine was horrendous, I'd have swapped for yours!!

I'd just tell her she's boring and do a huge yawn.....then yap out "boring nana" to your baby. Tell her the birth experience was "excellent" and you can't wait to do it again....over and over again, lots and lots of babies for boring nana to roll up her sleeves and help with!

This - the big yawn and boring
My kids once did this to me - I wasn't being nasty I was just telling a story - that I have told a million times before and they didn't want to hear it again. It hurt, it hurt like hell but I won't be making that mistake again.

Thanks everyone! Now I feel more sure that I’m not being over sensitive I’ll be more confident telling her to stop!

It’s weird, the one thing that went a bit pear shaped in my labour (I bled very heavily afterwards, had to have lots of drugs to stop it, plus IV fluids) she doesn’t even mention. It’s just the length of it that she seems to fixate on.

@IWentAwayIStayedAway good point, DD and I will dance it out immediately!

Yes I am sensitive so stop now. Honestly what's the joy of bringing that up. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Congratulations on your new baby.

First response "Mum, I'm getting worried about you, you've mentioned that many times before, have you got memory issues because you keep repeating yourself?"
Then repeat every time she says it

Or just a "Shut the f* up, your comments are not wanted or welcome."

Or the mumsnet classic "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Great job @MeredithGrey1

Congratulations on your new baby and on the amazing job you did!
I'm sorry to say that I think your mum is being quite horrible. You're not being too sensitive at all.
There's no one size fits all for births/labour.

"And I always knew that eventually, one day, I would punch you in the face"

Saddened to read posts from so many women who have mothers like this. Mine is exactly the same, OP. It’s so very peculiar. Even sadder still that you have to ask whether YABU. It’s because you’ve dealt with this your whole life (I imagine). It’s a bit of a shock when you become a parent yourself and realise it’s NOT actually normal to want to upset your child. Quite the opposite. Maintain your integrity, OP.

Is it possible she’s blocked out the traumatic bits to focus on the most irrelevant part of the birth? My mum does this a lot when she can’t really handle the stress of processing something

@MeredithGrey1
First of all, congratulations! It sounds to me as if you had a wonderful birth. Incidentally all of mine went on for days, so well done

As for your mum's comments, I would 'grey rock' her (Google this if you haven't heard of it) it sounds to me as if she could be covertly envious of your slight build and looking to somehow find actual fault with something you have absolutely no control of.

Being called 'sensitive' or being told one is 'paranoid' is used by those who are called out on their behaviours. I used to get similar retorts when I called out my DSis for her remarks to me.

You are not been sensitive , you have got used to her damageing comments. Please don't minimise her hurtful behaviour. Stand up for yourself, you are a strong wonderful woman who is now a mum. Well done girl - don't take any shit especially from your mum. However I don't know what tactics you should use. Other wise mumsnetters will advise you how do deal with this. X

Bloody hell OP. Mine was 72 hours with 2 hours of pushing. I feel like I let myself down. Which is stupid because if anyone ever said that about their own experience I wouldn't hear of it!

Of all the subjects to have a go on. And it completely doesn't matter or mean anything. It would be like telling someone who had an easy birth that they must have a baggy vagina or something. Not based in fact or science just for a reaction.

It sounds like she enjoys getting a reaction. I an not sure talking to her about it would help as its feeding into it. I think you can either just shut it down 'I'm not having this conversation again' and leave....or just ignore completely 'mmmm' and change the subject

How often do you see her?
If it’s regularly, I would let her know that for every minute she spends criticising your labour/parenting/whatever, another week will pass before she gets to see you and your baby again. So 1 minute = 1 week, 2 minutes = 2 weeks etc. That way, if she cares at all about building a good bond with her grandchild she knows she’ll have to STFU sharpish!

She's horrible, does she have form for being emotionally abusive with continual put downs? You aren't being over sensitive. I'd shut it down with a blunt 'Labour isn't a competition, why are you harping on endlessly about a totally normal Labour, its weird'. Then after that if it's said again, ignore & change the conversation. Every single time. If she says you are over sensitive to minimise her comments, that's called gaslighting. Or, if you feel she's too aggressive for that initial comment, what worked with my awful highly aggressive (batshit) mother was just laughing at her, saying you are funny & instantly changing the subject. Result, open mouthed confusion & stopped her in her tracks every time.