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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was more than acceptable ?

94 replies

progestermoan · 18/07/2019 17:37

Married couple separate .....

Father worked full time mother part time

For 6 months the father who left paid ALL bills plus food to give the mother time to find full time work (dc all school age).
After that he stopped

Mother never allowed him to see the dc. He was meant to have some of the house but have it up so the dc always had a stable home.
Started seeing dc again when they got to 16/17 and could decide what to do themselves.....

The father wasn’t in any way unreasonable was he?

OP posts:
Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 17:39

Should add the lithe claimed it was horrendous that he stopped paying everything after 6 months told the dc that’s why they couldn’t see him as he wouldn’t pay so didn’t care. He would phone once a week to ask to visit and was told no

OP posts:
Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 17:39

Lithe??! Mother !

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 18/07/2019 17:42

Pretty sure children are not pay per view. Why didn't you challenge this in the courts?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 18/07/2019 17:42

Did he take the Mother to court to gan some kind of formal arrangement re contact? If not, he should have. You know the rest isn't in any way U.

Also, is this 100% what happened or 100% his version? Because there are often huge discrepancies in what a person says happened and what actually happened, especially when it comes to divorces with DC involved.

hedgehoglurker · 18/07/2019 17:45

Not enough info. Working full time as a single parent isn't possible just because children are at school - school holidays and hours aren't the same.

Freddiefox · 18/07/2019 17:48

If someone told me I couldn’t see my children I’d move heaven and earth to change that.

Tbh he sounds like a dad that didn’t care enough and was selfish. If I were one of his children I’m not sure how much of a relationship I’d want with him. He’s clearly made no effort, and is using his ex as a way to shift the blame from his lazy arse behaviour.

Sounds like one of those arm chair moaners ‘she wouldn’t let me see the kids type’

Are you his 2nd wife?

Blankscreen · 18/07/2019 17:49

Did he pay maintenance after the 6 months? If not that was not acceptable.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 18/07/2019 17:50

He didn’t really try very hard to see his kids did he?

Butterymuffin · 18/07/2019 17:50

So did he pay nothing at all after that first six months?

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 18/07/2019 17:51

Working full time as a single parent isn't possible just because children are at school - school holidays and hours aren't the same.

It is possible. Plenty of us do it. It's hard but possible.

And if the kids had been with their dad it would have made it easier.

OP why didnt he go to court

2cats2many · 18/07/2019 17:51

Not enough info. Working full time as a single parent isn't possible just because children are at school - school holidays and hours aren't the same.

Am not defending the guy, but this is rubbish. I know lots of single parents that work full time. In the holidays they use annual leave and holiday schemes.

Lovestonap · 18/07/2019 17:52

If that was how it happened, the man was unreasonable.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 18/07/2019 17:52

Yes why didn't he go to court? And when you say he stopped paying after 6 months do you mean that he stopped paying child support after 6 months. Because that's disgraceful if it's true.

Dippypippy1980 · 18/07/2019 17:53

What do you mean her stopped, did he pay child support after the first six months?

BlackBirdInMyGarden · 18/07/2019 17:56

Did the mother not attempt to go via the CMS for maintenance?

I think it's wrong to prevent anyone from seeing their children on the basis of money. But it's also wrong to refuse to pay anything towards their upkeep. so both parties were wrong and not putting the kids first.

Thingsdogetbetter · 18/07/2019 17:56

Wow. Paid for a whole six months. Then no maintenace at all? Did he just decide his dc didn't need food or shoes because he didn't see them?

Mother should not have restricted access, but bloody hell talk about rejecting his kids because of problems with the mother.

And then a weekly phone call to try and see the dc. Wow what an effort! No attempt at mediation? No court order?

This is so far below 'more than acceptable' that I'm gobsmacked! Both parents were unreasonable, but he was out of this world lazy and tight.

Chloemol · 18/07/2019 17:58

Sorry but children are not bargaining tools and whatever the outcome of the finance situation she should not have stopped the children from seeing the father. I get that he wanted her to get a full time job, but why didn’t he carry on paying maintenance for the kids? That was wrong of him

Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 17:59

It was my mum and dad

I’ve been having therapy and working through what she told us and how awful he supposedly was ‘only’ paying for 6 months etc when actually I thought that was generous

He paid maintenance till16 then when realised none of it went on us he gave it direct to us at that age

He would call each week she said no and would threaten to get him done for some kind of harassment so he left it

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 18/07/2019 18:00

Did he pay any maintenance at all?

He did nothing wrong by stopping paying for his exs bills, but he should have paid child (not spousal) maintenance. How long did he go without seeing his kids? Why didn't he go to court for access?

Sounds like both are at fault, neither put the children first.

Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 18:01

Mediation was spoken about but she refused . He says now that he worried a court battle would have caused us all more problems if dm had been stressed so he waited till we went to him, which we all did due to how dm was.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 18/07/2019 18:01

He stopped paying anything? Even child support? Yes of course he was unreasonable.

LuckyLou7 · 18/07/2019 18:02

After he stopped paying all bills, did he pay maintenance for the children?

Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 18:02

He did pay maintenance after the 6 months of paying all bills etc

All I remember is dm being awful yet being told all the time it was df fault and I almost believed it as it was said so much but looking at it now during therapy sessions I feel like I missed out on having a dad for years of my childhood.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 18/07/2019 18:03

Oh, cross post. If he paid maintenence that's okay financially. Not sure he should be absolved of all responsibility for not seeing you. He could have gone to court.

NailsNeedDoing · 18/07/2019 18:03

I cross posted, it doesn't sound like your dad was unreasonable.