To think this was more than acceptable ?

[progestermoan]

Married couple separate .....

Father worked full time mother part time

For 6 months the father who left paid ALL bills plus food to give the mother time to find full time work (dc all school age).
After that he stopped

Mother never allowed him to see the dc. He was meant to have some of the house but have it up so the dc always had a stable home.
Started seeing dc again when they got to 16/17 and could decide what to do themselves.....

The father wasn’t in any way unreasonable was he?

When people separate, there's a cut off point where the relationship changes drastically. Some navigate this well but others far less so. The issue is that often other family relationships are defined by what happens in the very early days. If one partner walks away to cool off and lick their wounds, it can be hard to re enter the family. The other partner can feel they were left to deal with the breakdown and fallout for the children and are reluctant to let the partner who walked out to further damage anyone. Over time, this stoacism on the part of your mother can ferment resentment and it sounds as though this might have been the case. Counselling at the time might have helped them both to realise a sensible ending but that time has passed.
Often the best way to move on is to forgive everyone involved and to understand that are fallible. Both tried to support you, financially or physically but your needs weren't met entirely. I hope you can find a way past this so more time isn't lost for you or them.

YABU to think that maintenance wasn't spent on you.

I think this happened a lot more up to the 90s when men didn't know their rights. 💁

So no. I don't think he was unreasonable. It sounds like he tried his best. And your mum sounds extremely bitter.

Why is the op being unreasonable to think his maintenance wasn't spent on her ?

I was brought up by a single mum, she worked bloody hard but her money certainly didn't go on me. I was provided with the basics and nothing else........she always found the money for new clothes and nights out for herself tho. it's left me with massive, mental health problems and low feelings of worth. My kids drawers are overflowing with clothes but I can't spend money on me. It's a mental block. My DD has asked me to attend a college function next week and I'm trying to muster up the strength to buy an outfit and cut my hair because I know I look an absolute state and I don't want to embarrass her.

Not every child has good parents who sweat and graft and spend their money fairly. Some parents are quite happy for their children to go without.

Sounds like you want to blame your Mother for quite a bit tbh.

I feel it’s likely it wasn’t because we had so little but I doubt I’ll get any real answers now it’s just all been swimming round my head today and I can’t work out who, if anyone was at fault
Maybe I was just unlucky

Your dad did what he thought was best, ensured that you had a good over your head and food in your tummy until you were old enough to decide for yourself. On turning 18, your dad could have made her sell the house and split the proceeds. It sounds like he forfeited his house for you all.
You will never be able to make up those years or figure out why. The only thing you can do is to learn to look ahead not backwards as ahead is where you make the decisions and backwards was where they were made for you.
In an ideal world, we would live in Waltons style families. But that is not real. Close the door on the past and make up time now.

I don’t know your full story @progestermoan
but I will share a bit of mine in the hope it might help a little bit.

My parents split before I was born, my Mum was very young and so couldn’t care for us (my older brother and I) she left us in the care of her parents and would dip in and out of our lives at random.

My Dad got into a new relationship and had other children.

My Grandparents would tell me all sorts of bad things about both parents. As I got older contact with my Mum improved and she would defend herself and also proceed to blame my Dad for a lot of things that went wrong.

Fast forward to my mid twenties and I tracked my Dad down and started a tenuous relationship with him. He stated his second wife (now an ex also) told him he was not to have contact with either me or my brother unless he wanted to lose her and their children.

A lot of differing versions of events. My head started spinning on what I should and shouldn’t believe. Where to lay blame. I always told myself there are three storytellers here and in between each story somewhere is the truth.

But I couldn’t really settle on what that truth was. I felt angry about many different things. What I missed out on, what I had been told by various people, who let me down and when but in the end I had to accept that it was very unlikely I’d ever get a black and white answer.

Now I’m a bit older and a mum myself I can appreciate how hard it was for my own mum. I can also appreciate how difficult it was for my Grandparents having to raise us and the disappointment in their daughter (my mum) for her lifestyle choices. But their issues weren’t mine to answer for. If I wanted relationship with my Mum and Dad I would have to forge it anew and judge it based on what experiences I have with them now rather than vague memories of the past.

I still get upset at times and trying to piece the events together is enough to drive me ‘round the twist. So I stopped trying and just decided to move forward with as blank a slate as I could give them.

Now me and my Mum are close and she’s an excellent Mamma to my DC. My Dad pops up now and again and we’re amicable but that’s as far as we’ve gotten.

I wish you strength and hope you can move through this and find the right way for you to get some peace

when realised none of it went on us he gave it direct to us at that age

How exactly did he determine that none of it went on you? If it was part of your mum's overall income then it was almost certainly used to pay utility bills to keep his kids warm, buy food to keep his kids fed, buy school uniforms and clothes, pay for travel passes etc...

That IS money being spent on you. Frankly, this part of the story smells like utter horseshit. He wanted to be seen as the big generous dad so gave you money. But maintenance isn't just about 'fun' money spent on treats and pocket money, it's about the day to day grind of keeping the children fed, warm, and healthy.

And the fact that you only had basics means nothing in this context. Many families only have basics, and if your mum was surviving on a low wage plus a small amount of maintenance, she won't have been rolling in it.

How much money did your mum have coming in?

If she was leading a champagne lifestyle while you were living on beans and dry bread, then you've grounds for complaint, but otherwise you're probably being unfair to believe the maintenance wasn't spent on living expenses for you all.

So your dad gave you the money she needed for food power etc - i bet that went down well. How much did he give you and did you give any to her?

Sounds like she did all the hard work. He didn’t fight to see you, he was passive.

I think blaming her for denying you a father is too simplistic.

It’s important you continue to process it all and think about it from different angles though.

Perhaps be kind to yourself and conclude that human nature means that each party will always have a different take on things. Don't waste any more energy on apportioning blame - it's likely that both parties could have done things differently.

Concentrate on what you do have: An ongoing relationship with a lovely Dad who obviously tried to do the right thing when you were younger. In that respect, you're really fortunate. I'd give anything to have just one more day with my ol' man so I'd urge you to try and move towards acceptance of the past and get on with simply enjoying your life with your Dad in it.

Sometimes it is better to leave the past in the past.
It happened, you made it, its okay.
Accept that everyone involved did what they could at the time.
Trying to find fault and place blame will end badly op. You have a whole life ahead of you, don't mire it in blame and pain.

Consider using mindfulness, and this could indeed help you more than anything else.

I don’t understand why you lot always defend the woman, when quite clearly she was in the wrong stopping a man from seeing his children.

This.

This is clearly a nuanced situation and layering it all up it sounds like your mother wasn’t great.

Ultimately most parents are just doing the best they can.

I don’t understand why you lot always defend the woman, when quite clearly she was in the wrong stopping a man from seeing his children

I think it's because a lot of women have heard the same excuses from their male ex and assume ops father must be lying, because he is a man that didnt see his kids.

However, when you have been in a situation where you know the woman has definitely been the one stop stop visits, threaten and be abusive you can see that it's not always a case of man = bad and woman = good.

In my opinion, his only mistake was to listen to the mum when she said no to his visits, when he should have taken that up legally. But that just makes him maybe a bit soft but not bad!

Unless there was some legitimate reason why she didn't want him around the kids, your mum was the one being unreasonable