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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was more than acceptable ?

94 replies

progestermoan · 18/07/2019 17:37

Married couple separate .....

Father worked full time mother part time

For 6 months the father who left paid ALL bills plus food to give the mother time to find full time work (dc all school age).
After that he stopped

Mother never allowed him to see the dc. He was meant to have some of the house but have it up so the dc always had a stable home.
Started seeing dc again when they got to 16/17 and could decide what to do themselves.....

The father wasn’t in any way unreasonable was he?

OP posts:
Pinktinker · 18/07/2019 18:04

This story feels familiar, have you posted about it before?

If the Dad didn’t take the Mother to court to gain access then yeah, he was BU and of course the Mother was too if that was her sole reason for blocking access.

Freddiefox · 18/07/2019 18:04

I’m sorry op, I think depending on your age men did have different rights back then and it maybe wasn’t as straight forward as it is today, so I don’t think the same rules apply.

You know your mum and how reasonable she is.

Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 18:04

He always paid for school uniform and glasses as well I think from what I remember me gave dm a credit card for those kind of expenses on top of maintenance as once it didn’t work and dm went mad (was a glitch of some kind she was shouting he had cancelled it or reported stolen to show her up)

OP posts:
Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 18:05

No I have never posted it before

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 18/07/2019 18:05

Just realised he DID pay maintenance. Then he wasn't being unreasonable in wanting to see his children.

Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 18:05

It was a very long time ago - around 1990 so no idea what rights fathers had back then, not many perhaps

OP posts:
Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 18:06

I just felt so sad today after the session that I missed out on so many years

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 18/07/2019 18:07

Your dad left you and you're angry with your mum? Seriously?

Thingsdogetbetter · 18/07/2019 18:07

I revise my first comment on the further information that he did in fact pay maintenance. OP reads like he never paid a penny's maintenance.

Now think they were equally unreasonable. Your mother was bitter and he took the easy option to not go through court.

If there's a further drip fed about 'how mother was' then either he should not have left you in 'crazy' mother's sole care or he thought it was the only way to keep you safe from 'crazy' mother's bitterness. ?

Freddiefox · 18/07/2019 18:07

Having read your updates, no I don’t think he was unreasonable.

Passthecherrycoke · 18/07/2019 18:09

The thing is he could’ve gone to court and got contact. There is no excuse for not seeing you

Zebraaa · 18/07/2019 18:09

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

Maybe she kicked him out?? Hmm

I don’t understand why you lot always defend the woman, when quite clearly she was in the wrong stopping a man from seeing his children.

It actually disgusts me how anti-men so many of you are.

Blueandredandblue · 18/07/2019 18:09

Tbh, this sounds exactly like my ex. I dealt with it via CMS.
The access to kids, ex likes to call me up last minute to arrange, I refused then to let him see the kids without proper arrange,ent so we all knew, especially the kids, what was going to happen and when. He calls this denying him the right to see the children, in reality he wants to use this to control me. He likes to call at odd hours and text insults so I often have to block him.
No parent should say terrible things about the other parent to children. I never have, no matter what. Ex regularly questions the children about me, and tells them I am stopping him from seeing them so he couldn't see them for x number of weeks. It's very damaging.
I'm sorry you went through this. But you shouldn't have to pick sides like this and your father shouldn't be talking to you about what your mother did or didn't do, or placing blame, it's not helpful

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 18/07/2019 18:10

If he wasn't in contact with you how did he know that none of the maintenance was being spent on you. And if it wasn't being spent on you then who was financing you through your childhood??

3boysandabump · 18/07/2019 18:11

Hmm to me the not wanting to cause stress by going to court thing sounds like an excuse.

I get it must be hard when the resident parent makes it difficult for the other parent to have contact but I don't think the other parent should ever give up.

So I would say there was fault on both sides

cochineal7 · 18/07/2019 18:12

By the sound of it he was doing what he thought best. Courts these days are much more about equal access then before so his reasons for not going to court at that time may have been more valid than if it had happened now. He paid maintenance. He didn’t want his DC to suffer from a public fight. Maybe he should have tried, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. He is your DF so you can judge best if his decision was in any way reasonable knowing your mother as well.

NoBaggyPants · 18/07/2019 18:12

It sounds nothing like your ex Blueandredandblue.

Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 18:13

I’m not exactly sure what happened it had been bad for years then df was unwell and said he had to leave

But yes he did leave us with someone who perhaps wasn’t the best person to have children... that part of it does make me feel angry at him but he was still local and as soon as he was able to contact t is he did so and told us where to find him any time if there was a problem

OP posts:
Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 18:15

He saw my brother so was getting information from him he would see him on his way home from high school. Once he got seem talking to him by a friend of dm and it caused hell for db

Just talking about all this today has made me question so much and it’s confusing. I feel like dm was more in the wrong yet why did df not want custody of us

OP posts:
Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 18:17

We had the basics nothing more
I remember a neighbour bringing food round-that was a rare treat as she got lovely things and she took us on days out

Dm suffered with her nerves/stress terribly and I always believed her when she said that was df fault but now I’m questioning it well I’m questioning everything

OP posts:
Owlypants · 18/07/2019 18:18

Not unreasonable. Fathers didn't have as many rights in the 90s. I went through similar with my parents, I no longer speak to my crazy dm but have a relationship with df.

Cazziebo · 18/07/2019 18:18

He paid maintenance till16 then when realised none of it went on us he gave it direct to us at that age

That's the kind of shit my ex came out with. The maintenance paid did not even cover the childcare costs. My full time job paid the mortgage, the utility bills and the food, and XH would complain why the DCs weren't in designer clothes when he gave me "plenty of money". The DCs would repeat that - and tell me XH couldn't buy them stuff because mum takes all his money.

Lemoneeza · 18/07/2019 18:19

they both sound iffy. the stately homes thread might be of interest to you Flowers

Original poster
progestermoan · 18/07/2019 18:20

This is why it’s hard to work through as I’m relying on childhood memories and what I’ve been told by my parents

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 18/07/2019 18:26

I honestly think your anger is misplaced. Your mum was left to pay the mortgage and for two kids and hold down a full time job so it isn't surprising that she could only afford the basics .

You said that your dad paid direct to you when you were 16. How much did he pay?

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