Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect inlaws to respect my privacy a bit more

178 replies

Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 06:50

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and DH and I live in a house that officially still belongs to his parents. Since neither DH or I is a fan of gardening, my MIL and FIL regulary stop by (sometimes a few times per week depending on the weather) to work on the garden. Usually they announce their visits as I am home all day currently due to my pregnancy so I know they walk around the house and might see me trough the windows. Today it was particulary hot here, I wasnt feeling well and taking a nap in my knickers and a tshirt on the couch. Suddenly I can hear my inlaws talking because they decided to show up unannounced. I went upstairs to continue my nap but felt highly uncomfortable as they could have seen me.

I texted DH to ask him if they had notified him about their visit but this wasnt the case. He wants to complain about it later to them but I am not sure if thats a good idea because I dont want to be cheeky. Its their home after all and we dont have to pay any rent. Still I feel I should be able to dress and act inside the home as I like without being afraid to be seen.

AIBU?

OP posts:
chickenfajitas73 · 23/04/2019 06:54

No it’s their ‘house’ but your ‘home’. If you have an agreement in lace that youblove inbthosboroperty as your home, rent paid or not then they should respect your privacy.

chickenfajitas73 · 23/04/2019 06:55

Sorry not awake yet - I’ll try again !

No it’s their ‘house’ but your ‘home’. If you have an agreement in place that you live in the property as your home, rent paid or not, then they should respect your privacy.

Brashtweedyimpertinence · 23/04/2019 06:58

Did they come inside the house?

If not, then YABU. They can walk around the outside of the house that they own and are doing the garden maintenance for while their adult child lives rent free inside it. If your issue is that passers-by can see in you will need to get blinds or voiles.

TrixieFranklin · 23/04/2019 06:58

How long have you lived there?
You need to nip this in the bud now, the last thing you'll want with your newborn is unannounced visitors letting themselves in and wondering about.

MaMaMaMySharona · 23/04/2019 06:59

I’d just ask your DH to have a really casual word - you don’t mind them popping over whenever really, but could they give you an hours warning so you can make sure you’re prepared?

It’ll be more important when the baby has arrived if you’re BFing!

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 07:02

My husband has lived here for a few years and I
have been for a few months.

Regarding any passers -by : they cant see me from the street but the inlaws can since the house is surrounded by the garden and they come close to the windows

OP posts:
RhubarbAndMustard · 23/04/2019 07:02

If they don't venture inside I think you are BU. They are doing you a huge favour by making your garden look lovely which you probably won't have time to do when baby arrives. Plus they'd presumably see no more than a postman would.

On the other hand, if they let themselves in, that isn't on.

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 07:04

MaMaMaMySharona - that was exactly my thought as well! I know they mean well but I really value my privacy and it makes me worried about how they will behave once our baby is born.

OP posts:
Bitlost · 23/04/2019 07:06

Solution would be for you to do your own gardening.

TrixieFranklin · 23/04/2019 07:09

Or use the money you don't pay in rent to pay a gardener

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/04/2019 07:10

Solution would be for you to do your own gardening.
Or move out and pay rent.

Get voiles/nets. Ask them to let you know when they’re planning on heading over. Don’t fall out with them over this.

MoreSlidingDoors · 23/04/2019 07:10

Move out and stand on your own four feet, maybe?

ScreamScreamIceCream · 23/04/2019 07:11

Either:

  1. Do your own gardening, or,
  2. Get voiles/nets

You shouldn't be precious about being seen when breast feeding as you will have to do it out in public e.g. cafes, public transport, or are you going to just let your baby scream the place down?

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 07:13

TestingTestingWonTooFree, thats my scary thought as well. I do not want to make it a really big issue but it does bother me.

Renting a gardener would cause problems because they would perceive that as a big insult to their gardening qualities.

I do not mind them coming over, I just wish they would notify us before they do so I can avoid situations such as today.

OP posts:
RichPetunia · 23/04/2019 07:15

I think you need to take a different slant on this - they are letting you stay there rent free (it sounds lovely). - be grateful! They are maintaining the garden for you and not disturbing you by coming inside- they are so thoughtful! You seem to be very fortunate with your inlaws, so don't push back, consider your good fortune in having such a great family.

Dirtyjellycat · 23/04/2019 07:16

If they are coming round to do the gardening, it sounds as though you’re not looking after the property properly. Gardens need to be tended to regularly, not left alone. Given that you don’t pay rent, why don’t you employ a gardener to come once a week. This would show his parents that you are looking after the property, and would mean that there is no longer any need for them to come round and do the work themselves.

I think it would be polite and appropriate for them to let you know that they’re coming in advance, but I also think that you both need to step up and maintain the garden properly. If you are not paying rent, it’s not too much to ask.

BertrandRussell · 23/04/2019 07:17

I don’t think you can stop people gardening in their own garden!

I would get some curtains.

NaturalBornWoman · 23/04/2019 07:18

I really value my privacy

But not your independence?

ltk · 23/04/2019 07:19
  1. Hire a gardener.
  2. Do your own gardening.
  3. Let them in and serve tea, have a chat. Notice the work they do and thank them for it. Then slowly formalise the times they can come round, and get it down to once a week. Pick up the slack in the garden by doing some of the work and talk to them about it (DH did the weeding on that section of flowers you planted and it looks lovely! No need to stop by until Tuesday. I look forward to a little visit then.)

You are living rent-free in a family house, and that will always come with strings attached.

isabellerossignol · 23/04/2019 07:20

I think that since you live there rent free, they're looking after the garden and they're not coming into your house, you really will seem petty and ungrateful if you complain about this. Unless they have been standing with their noses pressed against the living room window peering in.

BertrandRussell · 23/04/2019 07:21

But it’s not the OP’s gardening. It’s the in law’s gardening. It’s their house. It’s up to them whether they do it themselves or hire a gardener.

harrietpn · 23/04/2019 07:21

I agree with RichPetunia. How lovely of them to let you stay in their property rent free and to help you with it! Normally I'm in the camp of 'people only should come when asked' but your ILs sound like they are being genuinely helpful. How often are they coming over? A text from them in advance would be polite but I don't think this is worth falling out over.

Petalflowers · 23/04/2019 07:22

Have you actually spoken about this. Maybe just have a general chat saying how you really appreciate them gardening, but in future could they ring first to check its convenient, especially as the baby could be sleeping, feeding, or you could be out, etc. Set some boundaries now.

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 07:23

Dirtyjellycat, wrong assumption Grin. The garden mainly consists out of trees and flowers in pots.
It looks very well and is absolutely not a lot of work. DH’s parents come over esspecially to put water to the trees. I have told DH in the beginning we could do it for them but he said let them do it, MIL is a bit obsessed with the trees and wants to do it herself. I didnt bother since it are her trees and if she enjoys it, why start making a fuss over it.

And yes, I definetly feel grateful we can live here for free! Its the whole reason why I am so careful to bring this up to them. If they were just a landlord I would have complained immediately about this breech of privacy.

OP posts:
GPatz · 23/04/2019 07:26

There is some real bitterness on here this morning! So OP is lucky enough not to pay rent - the in laws appear to have happily made this offer to her and her DH. Doesn't mean that they shouldn't give a quick heads up to say they are coming around. It's the OP's home. Are we only allowed to make disparaging comments to evil LL's turning up unannounced and not angelic IL's?