To expect inlaws to respect my privacy a bit more

[Honeybee85]

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and DH and I live in a house that officially still belongs to his parents. Since neither DH or I is a fan of gardening, my MIL and FIL regulary stop by (sometimes a few times per week depending on the weather) to work on the garden. Usually they announce their visits as I am home all day currently due to my pregnancy so I know they walk around the house and might see me trough the windows. Today it was particulary hot here, I wasnt feeling well and taking a nap in my knickers and a tshirt on the couch. Suddenly I can hear my inlaws talking because they decided to show up unannounced. I went upstairs to continue my nap but felt highly uncomfortable as they could have seen me.

I texted DH to ask him if they had notified him about their visit but this wasnt the case. He wants to complain about it later to them but I am not sure if thats a good idea because I dont want to be cheeky. Its their home after all and we dont have to pay any rent. Still I feel I should be able to dress and act inside the home as I like without being afraid to be seen.

AIBU?

What about buying an automatic watering system. Cost very little and easy to set up. Try Amazon. I use the Hozeloc (?) system.

Get the motion activated alarm while you are online.

You need to get this sorted out

Give over !

They're usually nice. They're providing a free home and doing the gardening. They also usually text. I'd assume it was an oversight this time and wouldn't even mention it.
If this is a massive issue for you then put up some curtains or close the ones that are already there . That would be a much better response imo than trying to make your PIL feel bad when they do so much for you.

I think if they own the property and they generously let you live there rent free you have to suck it up. They didn't attept to disturb you by knocking or coming in. YABU. If you want to demand total privacy then you should be totally independent.

If they are too much when the baby comes then you can sort it out but at the moment they seem reasonable to me.

YABU. They’re not coming into the house.
Put some shorts on, and stop complaining about people who are doing you a huge financial favour.
Then maybe make them a cuppa and tell them how grateful you are.

I have no words.

• I really value my privacy

But not your independence?*

^ this

I get it, the trees are like children to your in laws. They love them and want to tend to them often. For info, even mature trees need regular watering and lots of it! The ILs probably get really worried when there's a long dry spell and they are right to. Plus I bet they really, really enjoy pottering round the garden. That suggestion about your husband saying 'DW was mortified when you turned up, as she was downstairs in her underwear, please text in future etc', that should do it, perfect tone to me.

Did they go into the house or just the garden?
Was this ever clarified?

Did they go into the house or just the garden?
Was this ever clarified?

Just the garden. A few other things haven't been clarified though.

@Nosauce

This time they didnt go into the house.

They did last week when I was not at home.

Ok thanks for answering OP.
It’s a tricky one, I don’t think it’s overstepping the boundaries by coming and sorting the garden out but I can understand why you’d feel uncomfortable with them letting themselves in when you’re out. Even if it is their house.

I think in your shoes I’d talk to them with DH and just ask whether they would let you know if they’re intending to go inside the house whether you’re there or not.

@NoSauce
DH has just let me know that he sent them a text to say that he can take care of the garden and they dont need to come over esspecially for that.

He says he has told them plenty of times in the past that they should send a message when they want to come over and his dad agrees with him that it’s rude to not do so, but appearently his mum feels she should go there all the time to take care of the garden without announcement or even come in when there is nobody at home.

Bertrand if I had a free house to spare for DS to live in when he was older, we might let him live in it for free (if we didn't need the income) but I would expect him to do the general maintenance/gardening. But in all fairness, unless he was completely on his uppers I would probably charge at least some token rent, even if we put it in a separate account, as otherwise how would he learn to budget and be independent. Also if my DPs did the same for me I would want to give them something or help them out in some way in return.

And if I did give DS a house I wouldn't be letting myself in, which it would appear they used to before OP moved in.

Is there somewhere in the garden for you to sit in private if they’re there?
I don’t know what the answer is if MIL won’t adhere to your wishes I’m afraid but you do say in your OP that they usually inform you when they’re coming over, so hopefully the text will do the trick.

@NoSauce

Unfortunately the garden is the size of a stamp . So absolutely nowhere to hide

If the garden is a size of a stamp why do they need to come 2 or 3 times a week? Are the trees in pots?

Are these bonsai trees then?

@ineedaholidaynow

I feel the same way ! That’s why DH uses the word ‘obsessed’.

The trees are not in pots but almost all of the other plants are.

@LightDrizzle

No, no ‘hight maintanance trees’. Nothing fancy.
Just ordinairy garden trees that would do perfectly fine with just rain, sunshine and perhaps cutting some branches once or twice a year to keep them ‘in shape’.

How long is the tree tending going to go on for?

@NoSauce

They start watering the trees as soon as it becomes spring and will continue on it until it’s winter. Before I moved in they would come to the house all year round and let themselves in when DH was working.

I think I’d be insisting on looking after them myself. I mean how much watering does a tree need? I have never watered a tree in my whole life! Hanging baskets only
It all sounds obsessive, or are they bored and are using it as an excuse to get out?

What’s going to happen once the baby is here? Do you think there’ll be the doting kind of grandparents that will want to keep popping in or ones that won’t care and will just keep watering the trees?

@NoSauce I have the same feeling. They are retired and living in a flat so perhaps they feel bored.

I honestly dont know what it is going to be like when the baby is born. I asked DH is there any chance they will be obsessed as much over the baby as much as they are over the trees. He says he is not sure. I am sure they will be great and doting grandparents but I already made an agreement with DH that they will not come to the hospital after birth before I say that I feel ready for visitors. I am afraid they will come to water the baby too

Stick to your guns about visiting once the baby is here, but obviously let them him/her as soon as you’re ready. I guess all you can do is see how things play out and hope for the best and be ready for DH to speak to them ASAP if need be.

In the meantime try and relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy