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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect inlaws to respect my privacy a bit more

178 replies

Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 06:50

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and DH and I live in a house that officially still belongs to his parents. Since neither DH or I is a fan of gardening, my MIL and FIL regulary stop by (sometimes a few times per week depending on the weather) to work on the garden. Usually they announce their visits as I am home all day currently due to my pregnancy so I know they walk around the house and might see me trough the windows. Today it was particulary hot here, I wasnt feeling well and taking a nap in my knickers and a tshirt on the couch. Suddenly I can hear my inlaws talking because they decided to show up unannounced. I went upstairs to continue my nap but felt highly uncomfortable as they could have seen me.

I texted DH to ask him if they had notified him about their visit but this wasnt the case. He wants to complain about it later to them but I am not sure if thats a good idea because I dont want to be cheeky. Its their home after all and we dont have to pay any rent. Still I feel I should be able to dress and act inside the home as I like without being afraid to be seen.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/04/2019 08:40

“Just be honest and say that you would appreciate it if they let you know when they are coming in“

They do. They just didn’t on this one occasion.

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 08:41

Dirtyjellycat, thanks for your reasonable answer.
They are, in the words of DH ‘ obsessed over the trees’ so its not really that they dont trust us, its them tbh. I just meant to say I didnt want to make a fuss over it as I dont mind someone else doing the garden Smile.

We do have some voiles but they are see trough, and since the house is quite dark inside already I prefer to not use fully closing curtains during daytime. Otherwise this place feels like a coffin Confused.

I will have a talk with DH tonight, and ask what he thinks is best, since before I moved in they would go in regulary without announcement and it really bothered him. They still did last week when I wasnt home and tbh felt a bit embarased as I hadnt tied up everything perfectly and I am a very neat person despite what PP might think because of gardening is not my hobby Grin

OP posts:
whyohwhyowhydididoit · 23/04/2019 08:47

If they were coming in the house I would back you entirely OP but if they are just in the garden I think YABU. Either put up nets/voiles or nap upstairs. If you are BF turn the chair away from the window.

Your current set up sounds fantastic, living rent free, having the garden taken care of, in laws that don’t expect to come in for a cup,of tea when they are gardening and normally let you know to expect them. Having to adjust where you nap sounds like a very small price to pay for that.

MollysLips · 23/04/2019 08:52

You don't have to water trees! Are they very new, young baby trees that are still getting established? Otherwise I really don't think they'd need any watering whatsoever.

The pots will, but definitely not trees...

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 08:53

You could get magic (one way)blinds.

Xmasbaby11 · 23/04/2019 08:55

I think yabu about the gardening. If you're worried about being seen, just cover up or nap in a bedroom where you're not visible.

I would however ask them not to let themselves in, regardless of whether you are out. Ask for notice - Just be honest and say you're self conscious about the mess and usually make an effort if visitors come over. I'd ask DH to do it.

HotSpotSpot · 23/04/2019 08:58

How about putting up a motion sensor which sounds a wee alarm in the house when they come into the garden. You will be able to get one that can be configured to only sound if a person walks by.

Catchingbentcoppers · 23/04/2019 09:02

we DID offer to do the garden but they insist on doing so! To be fair you did not say this in your OP - you said that you and your DH are not fans of gardening. That sounds like you don't want to do it anyway.

I'm really not sure about this one. I don't believe that because you live there rent free (lucky you) it means that they should walk in when they feel like it, though that's not what happened. I don't really see what's wrong with them coming into the garden if they tend to it. Perhaps you can ask that they give you a quick ring when they're leaving to come over so that you can get the kettle on/make sure you're in to see them etc?

Catchingbentcoppers · 23/04/2019 09:02

Oh and your in-laws sound very kind OP.

Dirtyjellycat · 23/04/2019 09:07

OP, you said,
‘I will have a talk with DH tonight, and ask what he thinks is best, since before I moved in they would go in regulary without announcement and it really bothered him.’

I think this is the heart of the problem. They’ve done this for some time and either don’t want to change their behaviour or don’t realise that it’s inappropriate. I can imagine that some parents of a single man would keep coming round the house and ‘looking after things’. But that has to change once a partner moves in. I don’t think it matters that they own the house, as someone said earlier, it’s your home and you are entitled to privacy. It’s probsbly a tough conversation though as the fact that you aren’t paying rent means that you feel beholden to them and less able to make (perfectly reasonable) requests. It’s an uneven power relationship!

Alsohuman · 23/04/2019 09:10

I’m shocked that you think it’s OK to skulk in the house when they come round. Wouldn’t most normal people go out and speak to them and offer them a cup of tea?

Holidayshopping · 23/04/2019 09:14

we DID offer to do the garden but they insist on doing so!

Yes, but you also said you weren’t gardening fans!

From their point of view, they are letting you live rent-free in property that they could be generating an income from. If you let their garden get into a mess (and gardens do need a fair amount of regular upkeep), that will negatively affect their investment even more. I’m not surprised they want to keep on top of it.

TheInvestigator · 23/04/2019 09:15

This is one of those things you just need to accept. If you were paying rent then they’d need to leave off, but you aren’t and your MIL clearly wants to continue looking after the garden if she is proud of it. It seems the trade here is free rent in exchange for continued access to the garden.

Get some blinds and close them.

LivingOnAPear · 23/04/2019 09:18

I agree with everyone else. Just get voile curtains or blinds or opaque window film for the living room. It will be handy for when you are breastfeeding and don’t want postman or window cleaner seeing in.
Speak to them about texting ahead for when baby is born so they can combine gardening with a visit to the baby rather than calling in when you are out or both sleeping.

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 09:18

@Dirtyjellycat, I am afraid so. They are genuinely nice people and they are always friendly with me.
DH talked to them before I moved in to ask them to please respect my privacy. They did for a while but I am afraid it’s going to be as it was before I lived here from now on.

@Alsohuman, expecting me to get up as I dont feel well and getting dressed etc. just to offer them tea as they show up unannounced....have you ever experienced extreme fatigue during pregnancy? If so, I am surprised that you state such opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 09:23

@Holidayshopping if you had taken the effort to read my other posts, you could have read that the garden is EASY to maintain, its NOT a mess and its MAINLY about watering trees, that are mature and could easily wait until it starts to rain a bit.

Seems like you just want to accuse me of being sloppy instead of reading what I also wrote: they are obsessed with unneccesairily watering the trees and NO, the garden would not become a mess if we did that for them.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 23/04/2019 09:25

OP, they're nice people. They generally respect your privacy. They're allowing you to live rent free in their house. They don't appear to have put a time limit on this.
You only recently moved in with your DP and are pregnant. You are off work right now. They maybe concerned that your DP is overdoing things right now, including his FT job and studies.

To keep then feeling positive about you, do you really not see that you could have popped your head out of an upstairs window and said "hi there! Wasn't expecting to see you today. I'm having a nap right now, but if you're still here in an hour I'll make us a cup of tea. Hope you're both well!"

Alsohuman · 23/04/2019 09:28

Yes, I’ve been pregnant twice and never been unable to be polite or too tired to put the kettle on. Lucky, I guess.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 23/04/2019 09:28

Letting you live there rent free should not come with strings. It's either your home or their house.
Mind boggles how they will be when your dc arrives......

BossAssBitch · 23/04/2019 09:32

You’re living rent free, I think you have to suck it up, your in laws make the rules all the while you are dependent on them I’m afraid. I just couldn’t like like that, independence is everything. You say you can afford to pay rent, I suggest you start looking for your own place if your privacy is so important to you.

Yabbers · 23/04/2019 09:36

So we’ve gone from not wanting to to the garden, to wanting to do it but PIL prefer it, to it’s not gardening, it’s just watering trees which don’t actually need watered.

Maybe the “extreme fatigue” will get you the sympathy you are looking for, but I’m curious which drip feed will actually answer the question of “why not put some curtains up”

MummyofTw0 · 23/04/2019 09:40

Wish my in laws would let me live rent free and do my gardening

HoustonBess · 23/04/2019 09:41

Net curtains or nap clothed or upstairs. If they don't come in the house then I don't think it's really an invasion of privacy.

Make it clear they shouldn't just drop in unannounced when the baby comes. If breast feeding you might prefer net curtains anyway as you can't easily duck upstairs mid-feed.

Kennehora · 23/04/2019 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coolestmum · 23/04/2019 09:44

You live rent free. You say they are nice people.

Buy some shorts and nap in those? and is offering a cuppa every so often when they call round to maintain the garden such a big deal?

If I could live rent free for in exchange for that I'd snap it up in a heartbeat. Hell, I'd make then a damn cake every week too.