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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect inlaws to respect my privacy a bit more

178 replies

Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 06:50

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and DH and I live in a house that officially still belongs to his parents. Since neither DH or I is a fan of gardening, my MIL and FIL regulary stop by (sometimes a few times per week depending on the weather) to work on the garden. Usually they announce their visits as I am home all day currently due to my pregnancy so I know they walk around the house and might see me trough the windows. Today it was particulary hot here, I wasnt feeling well and taking a nap in my knickers and a tshirt on the couch. Suddenly I can hear my inlaws talking because they decided to show up unannounced. I went upstairs to continue my nap but felt highly uncomfortable as they could have seen me.

I texted DH to ask him if they had notified him about their visit but this wasnt the case. He wants to complain about it later to them but I am not sure if thats a good idea because I dont want to be cheeky. Its their home after all and we dont have to pay any rent. Still I feel I should be able to dress and act inside the home as I like without being afraid to be seen.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 23/04/2019 09:44

Maybe you should have waited to have a baby before DH finished his studies and you could afford your own place and then you could have as much privacy as you want.

I could not cope with having people pop in whenever they want, and I assume they may revert back to their old ways once your baby has arrived.

MirandaGoshawk · 23/04/2019 09:49

I would not want to feel obliged to offer them tea - I would want to feel free to ignore them unless I felt like chatting. OP if your house is dark inside it sounds as if they can't see in anyway, so don't worry about it. Seriously, if they were to catch you in your undies it's them who would be embarrassed. They sound as if they ARE usually respectful of privacy if they just do their gardening and don't ring the bell.

saraclara · 23/04/2019 09:52

I'm torn between saying you just have to suck it up for the free roof over your head, and saying something.
But if the latter, you're going to have to be SO careful how you word it. It doesn't seem like they're anywhere near as interfering or intrusive as they could be under the circumstances, so be glad of that. They probably work hard on not interfering in your life, so if they feel that that's going unappreciated, you could end up with a shitstorm.

JaneEyre07 · 23/04/2019 09:59

I can't believe you are so rude as to moan about people that let you live in a house for free and do the gardening because neither of you can be bothered.

You don't know how lucky you are.

Honestly, some people.

greenlynx · 23/04/2019 10:05

I would really struggle with not offering them a cup of tea. And yes, I had awful pregnancy and spent months lying down. That’s why I would prefer for me and my DH to do gardening by ourselves so I could not do socializing if I’m not up to it. It will be even more tricky with baby. They will naturally expect to come in and see baby and it might become a big problem. So I would remove the reason for unexpected visits now and invite them plenty over weekends for tea/lunch/ dinner.

Qweenbee · 23/04/2019 10:06

If they are not entering your home and literally just sorting out the garden then I don't think you can complain. It might be they just pop in when out and about, and don't have precise timings to warn you with.

If they enter your home or knock on the door and expect entertaining then that is a completely different matter.

It surely doesn't take much effort to pop on a pair of bigger shorts does it?

Holidayshopping · 23/04/2019 10:08

Tbh if they normally let you know, they sound lovely. Can your DH do a -blimey, DW was mortified yesterday-you caught her napping in her pants! Maybe best if you text before you come or you never know what you might see! Type comment?

hammeringinmyhead · 23/04/2019 10:12

I'm torn. My in-laws would drop me a text before they come over. What if, when you have a baby, they come round when you and a couple of other mums and babies are sitting in the garden? Bit awkward. Also it depends if the garden is high maintenance because they made it so. Ours is a square of lawn and some pots on purpose!

That said it's not worth falling out about. I'd be more likely to carry on regardless. If they show up unannounced and you're topless bfing then the blushes are theirs really.

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 23/04/2019 10:12

@holidayshopping I was thinking too that might be a good solution! Thanks Smile

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 23/04/2019 10:12

Trees don't need to be watered.

viques · 23/04/2019 10:14

Am I getting this right? You went upstairs and texted your husband, but didn't pull on a pair of joggers and go to say " hi , thanks for doing the garden, didn't realise you were coming but would you like to help yourselves to a cup of tea, sorry i won't join you because I'm not feeling good so I'm going back up for a nap" to the in laws who were giving up their bank holiday?

I imagine you crawling round on the bedroom floor terrified they will see your head peeping through the bedroom curtains. You sound just like the daughter in law they must have dreamed of for years - after eating too much cheese late at night!!!

Pregnancy does not absolve you from manners you know.

BertrandRussell · 23/04/2019 10:18

“What if, when you have a baby, they come round when you and a couple of other mums and babies are sitting in the garden? Bit awkward. Why would that be awkward? Isn’t that a “Oh how lovely- it’s Little HoneyBee’s granny and grandpa! These are my friends X and Y. Sit down while I get some more tea!” moment?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 23/04/2019 10:33

How come your husband has lived there for years, yet heavily pregnant you has only been there a few months?
Where were you living before? Or did you only marry recently ?

TrickyD · 23/04/2019 10:34

This reply has been deleted

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/04/2019 10:34

“What if, when you have a baby, they come round when you and a couple of other mums and babies are sitting in the garden? Bit awkward. Why would that be awkward? Isn’t that a “Oh how lovely- it’s Little HoneyBee’s granny and grandpa! These are my friends X and Y. Sit down while I get some more tea!” moment?

You'd think so!

BertrandRussell · 23/04/2019 10:37

I don’t understand why it’s such a problem that they live there rend free. If I had a spare house that I didn’t need the rent from I’d let my child live there. Why wouldn’t you? But I would expect to maintain it so that when I decided to sell I’d get the most I could for it.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/04/2019 10:37

Wear shorts, get suitable window coverings - there are numerous options.

I'd much rather not be texted in advance. All the easier to ignore them if they don't - which is probably what they want too, to be able to flit by and garden quickly when convenient, without having to interact, or visualise you in your pants! Do NOT impose that mental image upon them by mentioning it FFS.

NaturalBornWoman · 23/04/2019 10:38

So that's what he's doing. What are you doing, other than lying on the sofa in your pants complaining about people doing your gardening and giving you a free house? Grin

Jux · 23/04/2019 10:43

You were wearing knickers and a t-shirt. You would wear less on a beach!!!!! What on earth is your problem?

Presumably you won't ever bf in public either?

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/04/2019 10:47

You need to nip this in the bud now, the last thing you'll want with your newborn is unannounced visitors letting themselves in and wondering about.

So eager to jump in to condemn the PILS that you didn’t read the post properly. They didn’t let themselves in. They were in the garden.

NewMum19344567 · 23/04/2019 10:52

The easy solution would be to do your own garden. If I rented my son and DIL a house and they didn't like gardening so I had to go round and do it THEN Dil complained as she wanted more notice I would think they were the CF? Can you try to see it from their point of view?

I get you are pregnant and some pregnant women aren't able to do much, but surely your husband has no excuse not to do a bit of gardening so his parents don't have to do it?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/04/2019 10:55

VanGogh, trees certainly do need to be watered if they're fairly newly planted, or in large pots, as certain small trees may be.

IncrediblySadToo · 23/04/2019 10:56

You need to get this sorted out.

DH can promise to water the trees & they can come over when invited to check on them, visit, see the baby etc Either it’s your home or it’s not, and if it is you’re entitled to privacy and if it’s not then you can move out.

If it’s annoying you now, you’ll be murderous over it once you’ve had the baby. You need to be able to relax!

In the summer you’ll want the garden doors open, to be outside in the garden with the baby, to have friends over etc without them just turning up.

BertrandRussell · 23/04/2019 11:04

“You need to get this sorted out”

What- this one off incident?

HappyLife21 · 23/04/2019 11:04

She says the trees are mature, so unless they’re in pots they don’t need watering.

And as for the ‘you’d wear less at the beach’ comment, my mind boggles at the thought process (or lack thereof) that would go into such an idiotic starptemet.

Definitely get him to have a word!