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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question affordability of DSS school trip

131 replies

Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 07:53

My OH was told by his ExW that he needed to pay £700 towards DSS school skiing holiday next year. He is giving ExW £100 pm to do so.

He told he’d arranged this as a done deal, no discussion, when I asked him about where we might be taking DSS and DSD on our family holiday this year. He can’t afford both!

Additionally, I pay 3/4 of all household expenses since OH has such a huge CM AND Spousal maintenance commitment every month.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) if he can afford £100 extra a month for DSS holidays, it should be contributing to the family household bills, and b) that DSS gets a fancy skiing holiday at the cost of our cheap but quality family holiday this summer!

I think he’s being a total dick about it. And I’m not best pleased that the ExW is the one who decided for him, but he should also have told her to ram it!

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 20/04/2019 08:00

Yabu for him arguing about him contributing to his sons school trip.

Yanbu for expecting him to pay his share of the household bills.

spreadingchestnuttree · 20/04/2019 08:03

YANBU. Both parents should have been involved in deciding whether the trip was affordable or not. Assuming it's a state school, I'm guessing most kids aren't going on the ski trip so it's not as if it's compulsory or expected.

MondeoFan · 20/04/2019 08:06

So is £700 the cost of the whole trip? Or is it £1400 and they pay half each. Is he meant to fund holidays as well as CM and Spousal Payments?

smallereveryday · 20/04/2019 08:09

Yes of course it's unreasonable. ! However the usual suspects will pile in here asking why you have the audacity to question ANY money related matters between your husband and his ex . Did you not know that you are expected to pay for everyone for ever without a murmur..

My questions are ..
what the hell kind of ski trip is £1400 as I presume he is paying half .. if not why not?

If you are more than 12 months beyond a court settlement, apply for a reassessment if CM . You shouldn't be carrying 3/4 of the bills because of the level of CM.. how would he manage that if you were run over by a bus tomorrow OP ? Why are you subsidising his family. ? (We all pay stuff for our dscs out of choice if in the position to do so - but not court ordered obligations!) how did this settlement even come about ? Did he have a much higher income previously?

... and last but not least. Spousal maintenance?? Whilst you work and pay 3/4 if bills because he can't afford it . Unless she has pre school age children with your DH OR is severely disabled and unable to work .. no way would I be earning money to pay essentials whilst my husband funded someone else's lifestyle choice !

Unicornshopkeeper · 20/04/2019 08:10

YANBU

Why should you not question the affordability of the school trip if it means you can holiday as a family? Plenty of non blended families would have to say no to the trip to prioritise the family, why should it be different as a step family?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 20/04/2019 08:10

You can ring the school and check the total cost.
If he was my husband I'd stop paying 3/4 of the household bills and start making him pay half. Do you have shared DC or any DC of your own or are you paying 3/4 of the cost of your h and DSC when really he ought to be financing his own kids in his own home and not offloading that onto you.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 20/04/2019 08:11

If nothing else this sounds very unfair on DSD who will miss out altogether!

Original poster
Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 08:11

@Thatssome, no arguing. I pointed out that it seemed a bit unreasonable that he had extra money for non-essential and extortionately priced trip for one child but had to sacrifice a holiday with his other child to afford it. And that I was disappointed that he wasn’t contributing more to our home bills if he had spare cash of that amount. But we haven’t argued.

I do think social trips are great, I think it’s terribly exciting for DSS to learn to ski. But I also think it’s unfair on his sister and it’s unfair on me. I’ve made those points.

In fact, both those points completely override any annoyance I have at ExW dictating....but I’m pretty used to that! 😂

OP posts:
Unicornshopkeeper · 20/04/2019 08:11

can't not can - gah!

blackcat86 · 20/04/2019 08:12

YNBU OP. did his ex discuss it with him or simply present him with the bill? That's a huge amount out of the household budget and he should have discussed it with you first especially if you're contributing 3/4s of the bills. A holiday is hardly an essential. Its absolutely not unreasonable for him to pay towards it but the fact that it wasnt discussed and him now being a dick about it would piss me off.

liitlepenguin · 20/04/2019 08:12

Woah why are you putting up with this shit. He lives in the house I presume his DC visit. He pays half the bills

I have had to have similar arguments about bill paying and it nearly broke my relationship. But he pays half everything now. You shouldn't be subsiding a partner.

YANBU re the holiday. It should have been a joint discussion.! Are you married to him Op ? Do you really want to put up with this for the next 10 years ?

Original poster
Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 08:14

As an aside, DSS is entitled to free school meals, and I just wonder how they marry up that cost being covered by the school/government versus parents being able to pay for a £1500, non-educational trip??? Seems bonkers to me.

It’s DSD I feel for most. She is ALWAYS missing out at DSS’ expense... ExW seems to have some weird preference over her son. DSD doesn’t seem to notice it yet because she’s not really old enough, but it will come around. Poor kid.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 20/04/2019 08:16

I think a lot of families make sacrifices for a school trip as it's such a special thing to do with your friends. I presume dsd will have this opportunity in the future.
I can guarantee if it was your child you would forfeit your own holiday because being left behind on a school trip is tough if your DC would love to go.
The only issue is he should pay half and l doubt the trip is 1400 so that part is debatable. Also what about pocket money when trip comes?

Joebloggswazere · 20/04/2019 08:18

He’s paying half for his son to go on a school trip. YABU. I’m not sure why you think that’s the same as all of you going on a family holiday? If your DC had a school trip I’m guessing he’d pay towards that? Also, are your DC both yours or yours from a previous relationship?

Original poster
Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 08:23

@smallereveryday, OH was taken to the cleaners because he couldn’t afford legal representation at the divorce and financials hearings. His wages have gone up since the divorce 8yrs ago, they were married for 2yrs. She gets an annual review of CSM through the calculator but it’s not gone up since OH is a public servant! If she wants more money she increases the spousal, which is paid until youngest is 18. It seems ridiculous to me, but she fights him on money all the time and stops him from seeing kids if she doesn’t get her way. I’ve advised court action again but he doesn’t want to put kids through that because she would make them choose and she’d get them interviewed etc. She’s a weird fish.

I’ve tolerated it because, to be honest, I can afford it. We bought a house so that, on the off chance that they MIGHT want to stay, they get a bedroom each. It’s wasted space really, but I wanted a house so...🤷‍♀️ I own more of the house. Technically.

OP posts:
Fraggle84 · 20/04/2019 08:24

Ds gets free school meals and this entitles him to get half price school trips

Are you confident that the cost is correct?

spreadingchestnuttree · 20/04/2019 08:24

But state school ski trips aren't compulsory - only a minority of children go on them. So it's not a case of being "left behind". Seriously, how many kids on FSM do you reckon have parents who can afford a ski trip? Confused

Mintandthyme · 20/04/2019 08:24

He’s paying half for his son to go on a school trip. YABU.

He’s also only paying a quarter of the household bills.

Oldbutstillgotit · 20/04/2019 08:25

Why is he paying Spousal Maintenance? Very unusual nowadays .

Original poster
Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 08:25

I have no children. They are both his, DSS and DSD, with ExW

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/04/2019 08:26

Ski trip at our school was about 700, so looks like he's fronting up for most of it. Which is between him and ex w.
However, he's getting an easy ride financially from you. He should be contributing equitably.

Original poster
Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 08:27

DSS says that there are 50 places and 255 kids have requested spaces. He gets PRIORITY as he’s on FSM?!?! Is that even right???

Yes, apparently the trip costs £1500. In Apr-end of the skiing season. If we booked for now, we’d pay less than £600 each. We could go at Christmas time as a family and still pay less than £1500 per person inc hotel. I think it’s extortionate.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/04/2019 08:28

Ds gets free school meals and this entitles him to get half price school trips generally doesn't include ski trips Fraggle.

Serin · 20/04/2019 08:29

DS goes on his school (state) ski trips.
These have ranged in cost from £900 to £1300.
However are you sure DSS has to pay anything at all? At our school the kids on free school meals are heavily subsidised. Ie they paid £120 for the last trip.
I'd get him to ring the school and check.

Laloup1 · 20/04/2019 08:29

Gosh I feel your pain. No advice to offer. I see these scenarios fast approaching my world too. It’s infuriating.