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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question affordability of DSS school trip

131 replies

Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 07:53

My OH was told by his ExW that he needed to pay £700 towards DSS school skiing holiday next year. He is giving ExW £100 pm to do so.

He told he’d arranged this as a done deal, no discussion, when I asked him about where we might be taking DSS and DSD on our family holiday this year. He can’t afford both!

Additionally, I pay 3/4 of all household expenses since OH has such a huge CM AND Spousal maintenance commitment every month.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) if he can afford £100 extra a month for DSS holidays, it should be contributing to the family household bills, and b) that DSS gets a fancy skiing holiday at the cost of our cheap but quality family holiday this summer!

I think he’s being a total dick about it. And I’m not best pleased that the ExW is the one who decided for him, but he should also have told her to ram it!

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/04/2019 08:33

Ooooft , that is steep. I know it's nowt to do with your point, but if I was the EVC at that school Id be sending the organiser off to get a new quote. (I am at my school and I have done this. It seriously impacts on less well off families)

Dippypippy1980 · 20/04/2019 08:33

You are right to question this, it impacts on your finances and there is also a equity issue with your step daughter.

While I can get a bit prickly about step parents, if your husdand can afford this trip, which is a luxury, he can afford to contribute equally to your household bills.

Also, the poor sister!

Dreamingofhome · 20/04/2019 08:33

You need to separate the issues. He is NBU to want to pay for his son’s school trip. He is BU for not paying his share of household bills and letting you fund his kids. It will not get any better. You will take greater financial responsibility for any shared children as he will always have financial responsibility for 2 more children. You have university of etc. coming up if they decide to go. You need to rethink whether a relationship with a man with children is the right one for you otherwise there is more of such situations to come up in the future.

Original poster
Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 08:36

Apparently the trip is £1000. The extra £200 (each?), ExW has kindly calculated to cover spending money and kit, salopettes etc 😂😂

I have actually had an argument with OH about it now. It’s absurd that this woman gets a say in our financial business. He is an utter twat. And is speaking to me like I am the fucking issue!!!

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 20/04/2019 08:53

@OP what was the reasons for the spousal maintenance? That is very rare these days and especially if they were only married for 2yrs!

In regards to the trip, my daughters is £800 which we budget for. Fortunately she fits in my old stuff but the company they used offered hire of salapottes, jacket and helmet for £30 so I would look into that! You would only need to provide the base layers/socks which I got from mountain warehouse and spent about £40.

I can't comprehend if DSS is FSM how he gets priority on a expensive school trip?? That is completely ironic, if parent can't afford school meals then it's highly unlikely stats wise the family can afford to meet those payments.

For clarity can you state DHs annual income and his CM and Spousal monthly payments??

Joebloggswazere · 20/04/2019 08:54

I don’t understand why you feel sorry for his DD? Surely when she gets the opportunity to go, he’ll pay towards that? I would never stop one of my DC going on a school trip because the other one isn’t. I couldn’t afford to take the whole family on a skiing holiday so if the chance is there for my DC to go with the school, I’d take it. It is an amazing opportunity for him.

Dippypippy1980 · 20/04/2019 08:56

She actually doesn’t get wet a day I. Your financial business.

Your husband is using her as an excuse not to pay his way. He can afford to contribute more to your household but doesn’t.

Time to step up (excuse the pun) and demand he pays half (assuming you don’t have eight children for a previous relationship locovng with you full time😳).

He has to pay his way, and he has to pay child support. If your lifestyle is too expensive for him, you both need to economise - but only so he had pay half. You can but tiaras with your feed up disposable income if you so desire 😂

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/04/2019 08:58

Did your OH get the benefit of a lifestyle upgrade when he moved in with you Wink

Holidayshopping · 20/04/2019 09:08

He is an utter twat. And is speaking to me like I am the fucking issue!!!

I think you have summed up the crux of the matter, yes.

I can see exactly why he’s with you-he’s treating you like a cash cow. What do you see in him? Will he be using you to fund their university education as well?!

Can you tell us how much CM and spousal maintenance she gets? I’m astonished that she gets this after two years marriage? I thought it was for people who gave up their earning potential for years by supporting a better-paid (traditionally) husband? Doesn’t she work??

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 20/04/2019 09:09

Can you insist he puts away the same amount of money into an account for DD so that when her time comes she doesn't miss out?
Also, whole it's not your responsibility, you found like a lovely step mum so could you maybe take dad away somewhere for a little holiday just the two of you, since ds's is getting an expensive trip? It's really awful when there is favouritism in a family.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 20/04/2019 09:10

Sorry for all the typos. At some point I really am going to have to discover how to turn off auto correct on my phone

Unicornshopkeeper · 20/04/2019 09:10

joebloggs because the DSD now won't have a holiday this year (unless her DM takes her of course)

bevelino · 20/04/2019 09:13

If dh pays huge child maintenance and spousal support why is dss having free school meals? Free school meals are for children from homes with a low income. Maybe the maintenance payments are not so huge.

user1487194234 · 20/04/2019 09:14

I think YABU
I would do whatever I had to do to make sure my DC got to go on a trip so can see where your ex is coming from
And younger children would get their turn in due course

Holidayshopping · 20/04/2019 09:16

I would do whatever I had to do to make sure my DC got to go on a trip so can see where your ex is coming from

But if that ‘doing whatever’ was by using the OP to fund basic living expenses, that’s a bit shitty.

acomingin · 20/04/2019 09:17

YANBU. Very unfair on you and the other DC. Can't believe people are saying otherwise. First wives, perhaps.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/04/2019 09:19

YABU with regards to the trip and child support. He had an existing child and should contribute.

You then chose, knowing he had financial commitments, to add another child to the mix.

FSMs won't cover a trip abroad. Its meant to close the gap between children not on FSM and those that's are as stats show they fair less well.

FluffySocks123 · 20/04/2019 09:20

@bevelino because child maintenance payments aren't used as a basis for entitlement to free school meals.
If the mother receives any means tested benefits she automatically gets free school meals

I can't get over how she can tell him what to pay and he's paying it ..... is she paying half? Or is he paying it all?

Hollowvictory · 20/04/2019 09:21

Why would you move in with someone who can't pay their share? Madness!

user1487194234 · 20/04/2019 09:22

Never been in that scenario but to me DC come first
It is really 2 different things I think
Yes you probably should sort out a better financial arrangement with him
But lots of people would make sacrifices for that sort of trip
The years our DC went on their big school trips we went on holiday in UK rather than abroad

Holidayshopping · 20/04/2019 09:22

You then chose, knowing he had financial commitments, to add another child to the mix.

The Op doesn’t have any childrenConfused.

TheSerenDipitY · 20/04/2019 09:23

I own more of the house. Technically
whats that mean?

IncrediblySadToo · 20/04/2019 09:25

Time to stop subsidising him.

HE has 2 children, not you. As much as you might love them, they’re not your financial responsibility.

YOU are subsiding HIS housing costs. YOU are paying for this OPTIONAL ski trip 50/255 going, he’s NOT ‘being left behind’.

It’s a year away, the school will NOT be asking for it to be paid yet. They’ll ask for it in chunks. Ring the school and see what those are. She pays the first £500 he pays the remaining £500. He buys or hires the ski kit, she buys thermals and gives DS spending money. It’ll cost you £50-100.

From today he pays half of all of the bills.

IF you want to stay with him. Personally, I’d be seriously thinking hard about whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life supporting another woman and her children because he’s so entitled he’ll let YOU do that and will just let his ex away with everything because he can’t be arsed getting it reviewed. I’d be totally turned off by his attitude.

Reddedder · 20/04/2019 09:25

Why is he paying spousal maintenance?

Joebloggswazere · 20/04/2019 09:25

unicorn so his DD won’t get a holiday this year, so what? Maybe when it’s her turn to go on a school trip, his DS won’t have a holiday. Life can’t be equal all the time. I bought my DD a phone as she needed one, I’m not getting my DS a phone just to equal it out.