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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To question affordability of DSS school trip

131 replies

Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 07:53

My OH was told by his ExW that he needed to pay £700 towards DSS school skiing holiday next year. He is giving ExW £100 pm to do so.

He told he’d arranged this as a done deal, no discussion, when I asked him about where we might be taking DSS and DSD on our family holiday this year. He can’t afford both!

Additionally, I pay 3/4 of all household expenses since OH has such a huge CM AND Spousal maintenance commitment every month.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) if he can afford £100 extra a month for DSS holidays, it should be contributing to the family household bills, and b) that DSS gets a fancy skiing holiday at the cost of our cheap but quality family holiday this summer!

I think he’s being a total dick about it. And I’m not best pleased that the ExW is the one who decided for him, but he should also have told her to ram it!

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 20/04/2019 11:27

Right, so if you agree that the SM is a fair contribution (you just don’t like the name, which is neither here nor there really) then all the XW has done wrong here is tell your boyfriend with a year’s notice that his son is doing a ski trip and it’s costing £100 a month for a while. He then had his chance to say no. He didn’t, your problem is with him.

You don’t need to do a family holiday with his kids next year.

Tell the 13yo ski trip is instead of a holiday. Tell the 9yo that she also gets no hols* with you, but the same will be happen for one school trip for her.

*just go camping with borrowed kit or dedicate a week to being off together doing fun stuff.

Tell them both it’s one trip only. Tell the XE the same.

At 13 and 9 with them together 4 years it sounds like a clusterfuck of poorly planned or accidental pregnancies and her being left with day to day responsibility for a preschooler and newborn.

He can only sort his own shit out not hers - and as his girlfriend, I’d advise you to tell him just that.

There are programmes available to support the aftermath of DV if that’s still impacting how he manages the financial situation.

Original poster

Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 11:31

Thank you @Ellissandra. He is now having regular counselling. Neither pregnancies were planned, as an aside.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 20/04/2019 11:40

Sounds all very stereotypical. Two pregnancies unplanned, suffering abuse, victim of lawyers that were so amazing, they managed to convince a judge to get the victim even more punished against all precedence. Despite all this, he is happyy to pay over the odds because he think he should.

Sorry but this sounds so much like the stories men tell their new partner to get sympathy and support.

You still haven't said whether you have agreed to equal disposable income and whether this is where the £100 has come out of or whether it was out of yiyr joint account.

Comefromaway · 20/04/2019 11:45

I don’t think that anyone would deny that he should pay half towards a school trip, it’s the extortionate cost of the trip that the OP is quite rightly objecting to.

My son has just got back from what I consider a very expensive school trip. It cost £550 plus we had to allow £100 spending money. The school set up a payment plan over 2 years. Even so many families could not afford it.

We have two children & We consider ourselves to be pretty well off but there is no way that we would agree to a trip costing over £1,000. Around £800 would be the absolute maximum limit. If the OP’s partner cant afford to equally contribute to his current household expenses and to provide a simple family holiday for his other child then this trip should not have been agreed to and the Ds should have been told that he needs to wait until a cheaper school trip is offered.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/04/2019 11:57

Two unplanned pregnancies? One I could understand but two?? Do men not realise they can be responsible for their own contraception if they don't want a child.

Original poster

Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 12:05

Yes. Two. It’s extraordinary to think that a wife might tell her husband that she’s taking the pill and then doesn’t, don’t you think.

She didn’t tell OH she was pregnant until after first child was born. It was a ONS. He was young. He had sex. He’s owning that responsibility!

I was in the circle of friends for a time, after they married. So as much as it’s ‘stereotypical’, I’m afraid stereotypes exist for reasons.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 20/04/2019 12:06

I have no children. They are both his, DSS and DSD, with ExW

He is an utter twat. And is speaking to me like I am the fucking issue!!!

He does sound quite the catch.

What are you getting out of this relationship ? If you fell in love with him before knowing what he was like, does finding out not make you reassess those feelings?

I see he tends to blame ex-wife for some things and you for others. What does he take responsibility for ?

Original poster

Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 12:08

Having children makes him less of a catch??? Interesting proposition @Fonally...would you say that to a single mother too???

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 20/04/2019 12:09

What stereotype covers supporting one woman while being supported by another ?

LuvSmallDogs · 20/04/2019 12:17

Someone here is being fed bullshit - just can’t tell for sure if it’s you or your DH? I’m going with you, though.

Two kids by accident because his ex is an evil abuser who lied (twice?) about being on the pill, DP too young and naive (presumably the ex is of a similar age, but managed not to be naive?) to get legal representation, despite having a good enough career to be worth taking to the cleaners. He can’t pay towards his expenses properly, yet can magic up an extra £100 a month for a while?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/04/2019 12:19

It was a ONS. He was young. He had sex. He’s owning that responsibility

Yet he failed to protect himself going forward from any further incidents?

Flockingflamingo · 20/04/2019 12:20

Please dont marry this man

Dippypippy1980 · 20/04/2019 12:25

ONS? I think office of national statistics, but that can’t be right 😂

Flockingflamingo · 20/04/2019 12:29

Please dont marry this man

Ellisandra · 20/04/2019 12:32

ONS = One Night Stand

Comefromaway · 20/04/2019 12:33

OP - whilst I am usually an advocate of couples having joint money and outgoings I think in this case you need to separate your finances and make your partner contribute equally to the household if he is making major expenditure decisions without your input.

smallereveryday · 20/04/2019 12:36

The handwringing from your OH would completely do my head in. You are a very kind and generous person not to come down harder in this . There is no way I would go to work and pay more than half the bills for my DH ex to sit on her arse ! Especially when there is a simple, cheap solution!!

Go in HMCTS website and and download the forms for a Child Arrangement Order. At 9and 13 you cannot go through this for another decade! Get visiting set in stone (it costs £215 and self representing is the norm).

Once you have this the blackmail threat is removed. There is no 'putting the kids through' anything. The kids don't go near court ! . There may be a visit by social workers to gauge the kids thoughts in visiting their father if she makes up crap about him.. but if you already see them then that's not an issue.

Women like this get away with such entitlement because men are so wet about ticking the boat.. fine if it's his money he wants to spend on someone who chooses not to work but not when it's you that subsidising that choice.

What would happen to these payments if you left him and took half the value of the property (or more ) with you ?

swingofthings · 20/04/2019 12:40

Considering OP is not responding to the question about disposable income, it is reasonable to assume that they do indeed have similar disposable income and he is choosing to spend his on this trip and that's the reason why he is telling her it has nothing to do with her and rightly so in this context.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 20/04/2019 12:57

So what is your DP usually spending thus £100 pcm on, whilst you are paying for 75% of the household OP?

Original poster

Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 13:17

I have twice the disposable income that OH has.

OP posts:

ChodieFoster · 20/04/2019 13:26

Yes you are being totally unreasonable. This is your lot for getting involved with a man with this much baggage / financial commitment. His children must always come first. Live with it.

bevelino · 20/04/2019 13:39

What is very clear from this thread is the OP has drip fed unpleasant and completely unnecessary information about the ex wife.

TheDayBef0reW0rk · 20/04/2019 13:40

He has 2 children, so there will always be things to pay for, even when they are over 18. Perhaps, things like driving lessons, car, deposit to rent, wedding, holidays, birthdays, savings accounts. At 18 he can give the money direct to the children, not his ex.
Are you both paying into a private pension ?
I would in the long term, help to encourage the children to get part time or full time work, so that they learn about finances & social aspect of working.

brizzlemint · 20/04/2019 13:43

Surely that is what the maintenance is for?
I never asked my ex to pay anything towards school trips because I budget from the child maintenance. YWBU if you spoke to his mother about though.

Numptysod · 20/04/2019 14:24

If ExW abused your DH, why does she have full custody of the children?

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