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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question affordability of DSS school trip

131 replies

Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 07:53

My OH was told by his ExW that he needed to pay £700 towards DSS school skiing holiday next year. He is giving ExW £100 pm to do so.

He told he’d arranged this as a done deal, no discussion, when I asked him about where we might be taking DSS and DSD on our family holiday this year. He can’t afford both!

Additionally, I pay 3/4 of all household expenses since OH has such a huge CM AND Spousal maintenance commitment every month.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) if he can afford £100 extra a month for DSS holidays, it should be contributing to the family household bills, and b) that DSS gets a fancy skiing holiday at the cost of our cheap but quality family holiday this summer!

I think he’s being a total dick about it. And I’m not best pleased that the ExW is the one who decided for him, but he should also have told her to ram it!

OP posts:
Figure8 · 20/04/2019 09:28

Yes I'm a " first wife".

School trips are stupidly expensive. I paid half, kids dad paid half. Not sure if that caused an issue in their house.

We agreed that each of the kids could have one school trip.
Yes, they're expensive, yes it had an impact on the rest of the family, but we both felt it was worth it. And it was.
A few years later, and I can't remember/ don't care what type of holiday we had as a family that year. I do remember what an amazing time they had on the trip, and how happy I was that we could provide it.

Gin96 · 20/04/2019 09:31

Get rid, you’re better off without him. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t pay his way. What he pays for his children is his business as long as he is paying half of the household bills.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/04/2019 09:32

Never been in that scenario but to me DC come first It is really 2 different things I think Yes you probably should sort out a better financial arrangement with him
But lots of people would make sacrifices for that sort of trip The years our DC went on their big school trips we went on holiday in UK rather than abroad

Children’s NEEDS come first, sure, but a school skiing trip is a fun activity and the person PAYING gets to choose whether & what sacrifices are made to pay for it.

In this case, the person paying for it (the OP) has had NO say in it and SHE is the one making the sacrifices for it (paying 3/4 bills and no holiday).

She has said this means NO holiday for her and them as a family.

YouBumder · 20/04/2019 09:32

I can guarantee if it was your child you would forfeit your own holiday because being left behind on a school trip is tough if your DC would love to go.

I certainly wouldn’t. One child wouldn’t get to go a trip at the expense of the rest of the family including our other child getting away.

bevelino · 20/04/2019 09:32

@Fluffysocks, OP said that dh is paying huge child maintenance and spousal support. The spousal support would count as income for the purpose of receiving benefits. Eligibility for free school meals are for low income households. The spousal support probably isn’t very high otherwise the ex wife would not be entitled to claim benefits.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/04/2019 09:33

Like pp, I don't understand why he's paying spousal maintenance. If the DC are in receipt of FSM is that because their DM doesn't work? Is there any reason why she can't get a job?

I wouldn't tolerate paying 3/4 of household bills while DH can afford to put away £100 pm for a school trip. I would tell him that from now on its 50:50. Perhaps this will give him the incentive to go back to court and sort of this ridiculous 'spousal maintenance' arrangement.

Zebedee88 · 20/04/2019 09:33

Are you sure its £1500 for end of season? The girls I look after go skiing with their school in December and it's under £1000 each, everything included. Seems alot.

Ginger1982 · 20/04/2019 09:34

Icecream maybe read the thread properly before posting in such an aggressive manner. Neither of the kids are biologically the OPs

IncrediblySadToo · 20/04/2019 09:34

Plus the ex wife is fleecing him re the cost of the trip. £200 additional to his half. The kid does not need £400 of kit & sweets money.

dontleavemerhisway · 20/04/2019 09:35

Teacher here - if he's on FSM then he's a PP kid and will get part of the trip paid. My school pays half. I suggest you check with school in case you're being taken for a ride by the ex wife.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/04/2019 09:36

Could people bother their arses to read the thread or at least the OP’s posts before commenting. FFS

onionchucker · 20/04/2019 09:37

He is using you to fund his ex's lifestyle and that isn't fair.
He should be paying half of all household expenses and paying half of the mortgage etc. It isn't clear who is paying more towards the house or has paid more - you said that you own more of the house "technically". What does that mean? Are you married? What will happen if you split?
It all sounds like a bit of a nightmare waiting to happen.

I do think he should pay towards his son's school trip BUT he and his ex should have both discussed whether they were both able to afford this. Maybe they did and he therefore presented it to you as a done deal. If he couldn't afford to pay for the trip after paying CM, SM and half of all the household expenses in your home, then he should have said to his ex that he couldn't afford it, or he could afford 400 pounds or whatever.
DSD missing out this year is a bit unfortunate but when a school skiing trip comes up again she will hopefully have the chance to go then.

You could go on your own holiday using your own money without him and the children. He's chosen to spend holiday money on giving his son a great experience.
While on holiday think about whether you want to put up with this for the rest of your life - I do think he sounds like a knob because he is not paying his way in your relationship.

YouBumder · 20/04/2019 09:37

Why the bloody hell is he stuck paying spousal maintenance to some lazy cow he was only married to for 2 years?!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/04/2019 09:38

I can guarantee if it was your child you would forfeit your own holiday because being left behind on a school trip is tough if your DC would love to go

If this trip costs £1000, not including spending money and ski gear then I can guarantee plenty of kids won't be going. It won't be a question of being "left behind". The school where I work is in quite an affluent area, our ski trips are £700 total so quite a bit cheaper than what OP is talking about and it's only a minority of kids that go. Also I doubt that many parents would pay for one of their DC to go on a ski trip if it meant their other DC couldn't have a holiday or go on a school trip that year.

Orangeballon · 20/04/2019 09:40

In the end he won’t appreciate your financial sacrifice so do contribute any more than half of the bills. This will ensure there is no spare cash for unnecessary trips. Been there done that.

spongedog · 20/04/2019 09:45

Interesting about the FSM. It is very difficult to get even in a household where 1 parent isnt working and the other pays CM. I dont think the maintenance always counts as income.

But presumably your DH has had the letters home about the school trip? Or does he not bother with school admin?

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 20/04/2019 09:45

Any expenses expecting to be split should be agreed beforehand, ex-partners can't just decide on an expense and ask for half, that's madness. Also I would ask the school for a duplicate invoice, no way would I trust an ex's word! And agree, spousal maintenance should be looked at.

Joebloggswazere · 20/04/2019 09:47

OP, not sure if you know this but if his DC decide to go to Uni, then your finances will be included when it comes to funding. They go by household income rather than parental income. That’s a bit shit I know.
I do think his DS should go though, what an amazing trip it would be for him.

Pinkprincess1978 · 20/04/2019 09:52

I would be checking with the school, as many others have said, ski trips are not usually that expensive. I think our schools cost £800 and I think spending money was recommended at £20 a day. I feels like he is funding the entire trip.

I have already said my children are not going on expensive school trips. We only gave a uk holiday a year and one trip for one child is about the same as the family holiday for a week away. I'm not sacrificing family time for one child. They can go on cheaper trips and of course I pay for all essential trips.

I think it's very important that nrp step up and pay their way but I question as others have why he is paying spousal support? They were married for two years and presumably been split up at least 10 years. Exw should be supporting herself by now.

Butterymuffin · 20/04/2019 09:54

What IncrediblySad said. First and afterwards. Definitely ring the school for more info.

Original poster
Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 09:58

For clarity, my OH’s monthly contribution is as per the CSA calculator for his income. He has no additional income and doesn’t get paid overtime. He pays £500pm for two children. His SM payment is £300pm. But this is regularly adjusted. ExW works for a lawyer as a live out nanny, so she gets paid in kind more often than not. As far as I’m aware, she is in receipt of housing contributions and tax allowance but I’m not entirely sure of the circumstances for which DSS receives FSM. No idea. Not actually my business. She was, apparently, investigated for fraud and had payments adjusted a few years ago.

I have no idea why he agreed to spousal maintenance, I know it is highly irregular and I’ve said this to him over and over. But he sees it as payment towards his children, so he won’t contest it. And I don’t disagree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sessy19 · 20/04/2019 10:04

It’s in the conditions of their divorce, the spousal. He had to represent himself and her parents paid for good lawyers.

He wanted to protect his pension, which is probably mute now.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 20/04/2019 10:06

Op, he wants to support this trip for his son and I actually think that is laudable.

How he is funding it, if it impacts you is the issue.

Don't make this a power play between you and the ex wife on decisions, accept his motivation is positive which is why he didn't involve you. He just wanted to make it happen for his son whi may have been excited and needed a quick decision.

Look at what is driving your sense of resentment. It is shitty being a 2nd wife but often not due to the ex wife, financials, children or even your OH. Its just that you don't get to control all of your life as you would if he was a single man. I know that sucks but I don't think you can do anything about it accept leave or change how you feel about it.

In the scheme of things, over a long period of time, the money probably won't make a difference but the DC will feel happy if they see their parents and you working together to make it happen.

AfterLaughter · 20/04/2019 10:07

How much does DH earn? It’s usually only super high earners who pay spousal maintenance

Hollowvictory · 20/04/2019 10:11

But you knew all of this before you moved in together.