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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my dd (16) is being rude?

99 replies

kevso · 19/04/2019 22:12

My dd hasn't stopped complaining about the flat we live in since we moved in. She says it's too small, and that she feels as if she has no freedom. We have had to make a few sacrifices for this flat, such as being on the top floor (only the fourth floor!) and not having a garden, but I'm happy here and I absolutely love our little home. I don't let her have many friends round, or to stay over due to the noise, but I don't think it would annoy her that much as she doesn't have many round anyway. In her eyes it's completely unfair, but in my eyes, she's going to be moving out to uni in two years time anyway, so it isn't as if it's going to be forever. AIBU to think she should just suck it up?

OP posts:

pallisers · 19/04/2019 22:13

she should be able to have her friends over - why would you stop her?

Original poster

kevso · 19/04/2019 22:15

pallisers She can have her friends round, but only two at a time and only if they're well behaved and quiet. When we moved in she could have whoever round as long as it was reasonable, but due to being top floor and having neighbours on all sides, we got a few noise complaints.

OP posts:

BentBaastard · 19/04/2019 22:16

My ds would not be happy living in a flat, making sacrifices and not being allowed to have friends around.

You wanna be the cool parent who’s really breezy and welcomes friends over.

Original poster

kevso · 19/04/2019 22:18

Bent As much as I'd love to do that, it wouldn't be possible in the situation we're in. She complains about not having a garden despite never going into the garden when we had one, and she complains about not having friends round despite hardly ever having any round when we were in a house.

OP posts:

Mintandthyme · 19/04/2019 22:20

Why did you move from a house with a garden to a top floor flat ?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 19/04/2019 22:21

AIBU to think she should just suck it up?

Yes. No teenager ever has sucked anything up. What you've got to do is suck up her reaction.

FindYourCentre · 19/04/2019 22:22

Yeah shes being rude

Original poster

kevso · 19/04/2019 22:23

mint My landlord sold the house, and let us move into the flat he owned for £200 less a month due to the trouble. Financially, that extra £200 is massive for us.

OP posts:

HomeMadeMadness · 19/04/2019 22:25

I don't think YABU. It sounds though that she's a typical teenager. She's not the one actually making the tough decisions so feels she has a right to moan and whinge about them. The two years until she goes to uni probably feels like a really long time to her too. I would sympathise with her to a certain extent but also ask for some consideration for you too.

Original poster

kevso · 19/04/2019 22:31

HomeMadeMadness I can see it from her perspective, but I'd love her to see it from mine. She told me to my face that '£200 isn't even that much', which did upset me a little, but I know that she's just a teenager who doesn't fully understand. I'm currently trying to find a solution for the issue of her having a small bedroom, and am even trying to figure out if I could move her into the bigger living room and have the living room in her bedroom instead. I guess I'm just upset that I feel like she's almost disrespecting our home?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 19/04/2019 22:35

I don't think she sounds rude. She sounds frustrated by a situation not of her choosing.

AnnieMay100 · 19/04/2019 22:35

She’s being a teenager, they never understand the adults reasons. I can understand from her side she is having to get used to a change from a house to a small flat with limits on what friends can come over and when. That’s hard for anyone never mind a hormonal teenager. She will get used to it just give her time.

myrtleWilson · 19/04/2019 22:37

when did you move OP?

HomeMadeMadness · 19/04/2019 22:38

@kevso

I totally get why you're upset. Sounds like you're trying your best and DD is just pointing out the negative and not appreciating all you're doing. I do think once she's moved out to uni and got used to having to pay rent and bills and actually manage on the money she has she'll appreciate you more.

Original poster

kevso · 19/04/2019 22:38

myrtle Around 3 months ago

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 19/04/2019 22:38

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you feel like you’re marking time until she’s gone, and that’s not a nice feeling.

To go from a house to a 4th floor flat probably isn’t much fun for a 16 year old.

I’m not saying YABU, but she isn’t necessarily either.

myrtleWilson · 19/04/2019 22:38

sorry, pressed send by mistake..

Is she not just stressed by her GCSEs and reacting to anything?

Ohyesiam · 19/04/2019 22:38

Teenagers haven’t developed sucking stuff up.
Get ear plugs, it’s the only way.

TheSmallAssassin · 19/04/2019 22:40

I think you should at least acknowledge how she feels, she obviously feels the effects of the move even if you don't think she should.

If she can't talk about her feelings to her own mother, who can she talk to? Would you rather she kept it all bottled up inside?

You can sympathise with how she feels, that doesn't mean the situation is going to change, but at least she will feel you care enough to listen and empathise, rather than telling her not to feel.

CerealMonogamist · 19/04/2019 22:41

OP, my teenagers would say and think the same. It's very hard to separate normal teenage behaviour from rudeness. I don't know which it is in your DD's case, but I know how much it hurts when they say things like "£200 isn't that much". It's almost as if it's designed to stab you in the heart.

No particular advice, but a virtual hand-hold.

Amongstthetallgrass · 19/04/2019 22:41

She is very very lucky to have a roof over her head.

And you should tell her this.

I have family that we’re put up in a horrible hostel, all of them in one bed room, finally they have a two bedroom flat and they are over joyed.

Honestly it might not be of her own making but as a mother you are keeping her safe and housed. So what if she can’t have loads of her friends over. People are in much worse situations!

Original poster

kevso · 19/04/2019 22:42

merry I'm not purposefully marking time, and I'd hate her to think that! She's always expressed that she wants to move out the minute she turns 18, not because of relationship issues but more because she likes to do everything on the dot (wants a car the second she can, move out the second she can, that sort of thing.)

myrtle I think she's probably as stressed as most 16 year olds, but she's fairly worry free and one of those lucky ones who are naturally brainy, she got all 8's on her mocks and that was above what she was aiming for, so I'd hope if she was worried she'd let me know.

OP posts:

Amongstthetallgrass · 19/04/2019 22:43

Just to add I was 16 when I got my my first flat with a new born baby. Today’s kids are far too coddled.

Tell her to get her own place if she hates it that much

lyralalala · 19/04/2019 22:45

It kinda sounds like because she is moving out for uni (don't you expect her back at any point?) then it doesn't really matter? As if it's not really her home so it doesn't matter anyway.

She's a teenager. They moan. She's left a house to live 4 floors up into a flat that she's not allowed to have her mates around or to stay over.

You're her Mum, who else is she supposed to moan too?

myrtleWilson · 19/04/2019 22:46

Well to be honest if you're giving her a hard time about what friends she is allowed round I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't confiding in you about her feelings regarding the GCSEs..

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