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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my dd (16) is being rude?

99 replies

kevso · 19/04/2019 22:12

My dd hasn't stopped complaining about the flat we live in since we moved in. She says it's too small, and that she feels as if she has no freedom. We have had to make a few sacrifices for this flat, such as being on the top floor (only the fourth floor!) and not having a garden, but I'm happy here and I absolutely love our little home. I don't let her have many friends round, or to stay over due to the noise, but I don't think it would annoy her that much as she doesn't have many round anyway. In her eyes it's completely unfair, but in my eyes, she's going to be moving out to uni in two years time anyway, so it isn't as if it's going to be forever. AIBU to think she should just suck it up?

OP posts:

Provincialbelle · 19/04/2019 23:19

She’s being a normal teen, but as she matures she will realise how fortunate she was to have a safe comfortable home if not the expanse she was used to. I say this as someone with direct experience of a very similar situation.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 19/04/2019 23:19

She’s being a prat. Tell her to earn the £2400 you are saving, give it to you and you’ll consider moving. Keep the big room for a sitting room and get on with it.

Original poster

kevso · 19/04/2019 23:19

Nearlythere Just the two of us, and it always has been. I wouldn't really mind giving her the living room for now, because even it seems mean to say and people may not like me saying it, but she's 16. She's not going to be home forever, and I can have it back once she's living elsewhere, whilst she can still have a room in the smaller room for visiting.

OP posts:

Amongstthetallgrass · 19/04/2019 23:24

mummy yes it was a council flat. The rest of your post doesn’t make sense, have you had a drink?

So would you be advising her to go and have a baby then ???

Where the fuck have I said that? Or are you just making things up in your head?

16 years old can be so much more resilient than they lean to these days. Single parents carry too much guilt when they should be proud of all the things they actually do achieve for their children.

OP I’d honestly say - ‘dd I love you, I love you being here, i try hard to keep a roof over your head, but if it’s not good enough I understand if you want to leave’

She is 16. She can legally live on her own if she wants to.

GabsAlot · 19/04/2019 23:25

what is it with everyone oh poor kid she had to move

i moved about 5 times till i was 18 yes i hated it but i was a child i didnt pay the bills or contribute hence not her decison

Original poster

kevso · 19/04/2019 23:30

gabs It's not even the first time we've moved! We moved when she was around 11, which I guess was fairly recently to some people, but I moved a lot as a child and I don't remember ever being too bothered.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 19/04/2019 23:30

Don't give her the living room as it will only mess up the whole apartment and gain nothing.
My dn at 16 was constantly complaining. She hated her house. Beautiful 5 bedroom stylish home but it was way out the country in a boring place. And worse they went on holidays to boring campsites in France while her friends went to Ibiza.And loads more misery. Poor thing!!! Roll on to 18 she is a fab girl, no more complaining just a regular grateful kid.( well not kid anymore)
Just give her a hug, say l know it's hard but let's make the best of it.
Pick a room, do it up cool and it will be all fine.

ThatWasThat · 19/04/2019 23:30

Just context: was on train today. Group of five teenagers in GCSE year loudly took up 4 pairs of seats (empty carriage and they left spare double seats between them), sprayed fragrances on each other (and were already strong smelling) and were generally unpleasant to be around. I expect they’re nice kids with no idea of how they negatively impact on others.

Nearlythere1 · 19/04/2019 23:32

Fair enough OP, but also as it's just the two of you she might have bigger expectations of what she can demand from you! I.e. she's used to getting her own way.
Either way, I see your point if you do give her the living room, but equally, you're well within the bounds of reason not to. I'd maybe see about her checking her attitude though!

jessicawessica · 19/04/2019 23:33

Typical teen Op. They honestly have no idea.
I sleep in the dining room basically because my DCs have been spoiled rotten and refuse to share a bedroom.
We are fortunate enough to live in a large 3 bed house with a huge garden.
They still moan. Nothing to do, nowhere to go.
I just think this generation is all me,me,me.
you are doing the very best you can.

redastherose · 19/04/2019 23:33

OP, I think you should sit down with her and let her see the reality of your finances. Show her how much you earn from your full time job, how much you earn from your freelance work, what the money gets spent on, how much you have left for her and yourself. She is 16 and old enough to understand the realities of your situation.

Also, you really shouldn't give her the living room, she has to learn that she is not more important than your little family. You need a space where you can both be together and connect and if you allow her to think that her desire for a bigger room is more important than your joint family then you are doing her a disservice. When she goes away to uni no one will be bending over backwards her or giving her the best room in the house!

Make the decision that her bedroom is hers then take her to buy the paint etc (make sure the landlord agrees in writing to what you want to do btw) and get on making that her space for her to enjoy. Once that's done hopefully she'll start feeling more settled and more like this is your home.

Original poster

kevso · 19/04/2019 23:44

redastherose I think that's a good idea, about sitting with her and explaining through all the finances, and hope that she understands a bit more that I'm not just having a random £200 extra a month to spend on chocolate and wine!
General consensus seems to be to not give her the living room, so I'll start having a look at how we could make her room a good space for her. It is a generally small flat - 2 bedrooms, one living room and then a kitchen, but the rooms themselves are pretty well sized, and it's just the two of us. I'll talk to her tomorrow, and maybe a trip to IKEA is due so she can start brainstorming for her room!

OP posts:

zwellers · 19/04/2019 23:51

Why should she love the flat. She didn't pick it you did. I moved at a similar age and the house we left was my home. The new place was just somewere to live till I left for uni.

Original poster

kevso · 19/04/2019 23:55

zweller I didn't exactly choose it either, it was a situational thing, but I think that we can make the place comfortable and make it our home. She was super involved in decorating the living room, and it does look really nice.

OP posts:

jessicawessica · 19/04/2019 23:56

Some DCs can be so selfish. They have absolutely no idea about finances and just expect their poor mums to afford the same as what they've become used to.

uptodatetech · 20/04/2019 00:00

She's just being normal for a teenager. As a teenager I BOOKED a house viewing for my parents to try and get them to move

LifeImplosionImminent · 20/04/2019 00:06

They are so black and white at this age. Full of criticism of how you do things, but with no idea of how they would do things better! And no understanding of money...

Never has there been a more accurate description of my youngest teen and her insufferably smug teen boyfriend! Teenagers are such arseholes

wellhelloyou · 20/04/2019 00:15

I’m sorry but she needs to think about the thousands of 16 year olds (and much younger) that have no Home and no one to turn to.

If she doesn’t like it, she can move.

I do think she should however be allowed to have friends. They’ll want to listen to music and laugh etc etc it’s a bit unrealistic to expect silence. Noise within reason of course.

CJsGoldfish · 20/04/2019 00:17

Just to add I was 16 when I got my my first flat with a new born baby. Today’s kids are far too coddled
So you weren't 'coddled' with a flat being given to you along with the $$ to survive? What a pointless comparison and one that shows the OPs child is clearly one up on you already.

I can see her point OP. I've been a single parent and although the final decision is always mine, I would have included my children in the decision making for something that would impact them THAT much. I also know how big of a deal having that much extra in the pocket at the end of the month. I'm not sure I could impact so much on my teen to have it though.
At 16 my teens all worked and this impacted the finances. I didn't expect anything from them but they took care of their own needs which helped me out a LOT. That may be why I would have never made the housing decision without their input.

Original poster

kevso · 20/04/2019 00:17

wellhello She is allowed friends. She's not allowed friends that have consistently been so loud that I've had noise complaints.

OP posts:

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord · 20/04/2019 00:28

I just want to flag up because it hasn't really been mentioned: GCSEs are a HUGE stress, and just about to start.

Keep that in mind too.

Who do they take their stresses out on???? Hmmmm... let me think....

Prisonbreak · 20/04/2019 00:38

I don’t think she sounds rude. She sounds 16. I think I’d be saying the same if I were her and not considering the impact it has on those hearing it.

wellhelloyou · 20/04/2019 00:46

“She is allowed friends. She's not allowed friends that have consistently been so loud that I've had noise complaints.”

So don’t allow those friends? can’t see what the issue is?

Apricot80s · 20/04/2019 00:47

Yanbu

She sounds like my 8 year old moaning about living in a 2 bed rented flat. I just say "sorry you feel that way but both of us are working full time and housing is expensive, so this is the best we can do."

Do not give her the living room!

I just hope we've moved by the time the dcs reach their teens, I can't imagine another 8 years of moaning

Original poster

kevso · 20/04/2019 00:47

wellhello That's exactly what I do? She's had problems with loud friends, so she's limited to a few friends at a time, and the loud ones aren't allowed in. I've never said she isn't allowed friends round at all.

OP posts:

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