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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my dd (16) is being rude?

99 replies

kevso · 19/04/2019 22:12

My dd hasn't stopped complaining about the flat we live in since we moved in. She says it's too small, and that she feels as if she has no freedom. We have had to make a few sacrifices for this flat, such as being on the top floor (only the fourth floor!) and not having a garden, but I'm happy here and I absolutely love our little home. I don't let her have many friends round, or to stay over due to the noise, but I don't think it would annoy her that much as she doesn't have many round anyway. In her eyes it's completely unfair, but in my eyes, she's going to be moving out to uni in two years time anyway, so it isn't as if it's going to be forever. AIBU to think she should just suck it up?

OP posts:
Orangeballon · 20/04/2019 01:04

Poor you, renting privately is never easy as you don’t have any security of tenure. Luckily you got the flat. Just ignore daughter, she just likes to complain.

kevso · 20/04/2019 01:08

orangeballon I'd love to be in a situation where I could own a home, or flat, or even rent through an agent so I'd have a bit more security, but the money aspect of it plays into it massively :( My landlord is absolutely lovely though! Gave us plenty of warning (around six months) and offered us the flat at a discount for the trouble, and comes out to help with absolutely any issue, like when we first moved in and the bathroom door locked itself! Couldn't be luckier, really.

OP posts:
FireFighter999 · 20/04/2019 01:10

Sounds like she feels claustrophobic in the flat and is clearly struggling.

wellhelloyou · 20/04/2019 01:33

“That's exactly what I do? She's had problems with loud friends, so she's limited to a few friends at a time, and the loud ones aren't allowed in. I've never said she isn't allowed friends round at all.”

Ok so now I’m really confused. What are you asking about on this thread? I’ve answered about how your daughter needs to see how lucky she is and you’ve said you don’t allow friends who are noisy around. Confused here

wellhelloyou · 20/04/2019 01:35

Ok I’ve re-read your original post. In answer to your question, in your words, yes she should just suck it up

OneInAMillionYou · 20/04/2019 02:33

Absolutely do NOT give her your living room!

Sorry, OP, but she sounds horrible and entitled. She will get a big shock if and when she goes to university and has to look after herself, pay her own bills etc.

To me it sounds like you are making the absolute best of a situation you have found yourself in. She should be grateful you have worked so hard to keep a home.

And kudos to you for being a considerate neighbour. There are so many shits out there who make noise with no consideration for anyone else.

JenniferJareau · 20/04/2019 05:48

It is hard at that age. My parents moved when I was that age and I hated the place we moved to. I was far too polite to tell them but I did put my point across years later in no uncertain circumstances when they were waxing lyrical about how amazing it was. Yes amazing for you, not me!

Sorry, rant over Blush

SnowsInWater · 20/04/2019 06:55

YANBU, she is old enough to understand the realities of life. She may not like it but she can't have lots of friends around because you have already tried that and it ended up with noise complaints and if she thinks 200 pounds "isn't that much" I would be having a very calm conversation around what she thinks she would have to do to earn that much on a weekly basis if she thinks it is so easy. Not asking her to do it, just curious about why she thinks the way she does. Do not be guilted into giving her the living room, if my 16yo dd had the same attitude I would be very upset and disappointed.

ohnoessexgirl · 20/04/2019 10:00

She's being a teenager. I grew up in a council flat in east London and didn't live in an actual house with a garden until I was in my 20s. Lots of kids do. It won't kill her and she'll get over it.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 20/04/2019 10:08

She needs to suck it up and you, OP, please do not feel bad about this. You’re keeping a roof over your heads. She sounds like a typical ungrateful teen and unfortunately that’s just par for the course. Probably not a lot you can do except say: I‘m sorry you don’t like it but I‘ve done my best and unless you’re making a financial contribution, I don’t want to hear another word of complaint.

FookMeFookYou · 20/04/2019 10:09

Yes she's being rude and should be grateful she's got a roof over her head in a safe, warm space but to expect any kids to 'get' it and see the positives is fruitless. You just need to bide your time and then wave her off to uni.

The reasons why you went from a house to a flat isn't relevant. That's the situation you're in and she needs to accept it. She might not like it, but has to accept it or make her own way. The sharp shock of the real world will open her eyes for sure.

Aragog · 20/04/2019 10:27

Teenagers are not fully formed adults. Their brains are not fully developed and certain logic making decision skills are not yet there. They are also having massive hormone drives, and at 16y many are going through the first high level stress they've ever experienced where mum (or dad) can't sort it for them.

She's had the move enforced on her (as have you) and it's out of her control. The reality is different perhaps to her expectation, smaller, less space, some more restrictions than before, etc. All understandable to adults, but still a negative in her eyes.

Teenagers often are probably more like over grown toddlers, than they were at 11/12.

But it will come in time, with support and guidance form parents and adults around them, some understanding and empathy and some realistic truths told to them.

Does she have her own money, so she can learn its value more and understand the whole saving and spending balance better?

As it's so close to GCSEs I would now focus on that room for her. Help her have a cosy safe space where she can get her head down to revise and rest. I don't mean spending ages getting it perfect but just making sure it is a good place to study in more than anything else.

GCSEs should be her main focus really as we are now only about a month away from them starting.

Tbh at this stage last year Dd wasn't really doing much socialising anyway as her free time was mainly revision.

Then maybe set a date up for after her last exams to go and sort out the bedroom properly - sell it as a reward for good effort during her exams maybe, if need be.

And although she'll be off to university is 2.5 years, many still come back home for holidays and more and more are returning afterwards as the housing market is so tough. So this could well remain her home for many more years to come - at least 5 years through school and university as it is.

Hotterthanahotthing · 20/04/2019 12:06

Keep her in her bedroom and hit IKEA.(set a budget so she can see that money doesn't go as far as she thinks)
Go through finances with her,my DD has seen mine and the bills,council tax,water,phones the lot She knows that we are being frugal at the moment as yearly payments are coming up,insurance house and car etc.
She sucks it up and you suck up her behaviour.A change of accomodation and GCSEs is stressful for both of you.
Have chat this weekend over lots of chocolate.

onceandneveragain · 20/04/2019 12:11

further to redastherose suggestion, you say you are very close and she tells you everything - perhaps you could open up a bit more to her about how you feel when she says things that hurt you? i.e. explain
Also chat about things like you've said about how having a good landlord and how helpful it is/how much work it is to upkeep a bigger home.

These things seem obvious to most people, but to a sixteen year old with no experience (and according to some MN threads, privileged people who have lived in a bubble) some things you really don't understand when it's just a vague concept.
Just thinking back to when I was a teen - I didn't really understand the value of money until I got my first job earning £2.95 an hour. I didn't understand that some people didn't have the security of helpful landlords and how much of a difference that made until I rented a flat from a shit one. I didn't understand that offhand comments really hurt my mum's feelings until she told me.

You don't have to tell her everything - she is still the child and you the parent - but you are entering into a different phrase of your relationship now and it might be worth considering a more equal exchange of feelings?

Dieu · 20/04/2019 13:09

Och, I don't think this is something you should take personally. My daughter (similar age) is rubbish with change, and would have reacted the same. Let her have her moan and get it out of her system. Listen to her, be sympathetic to her more valid points, and don't always shut her down. This will pass, and she will get used to it. Hope you both end up settling well into your new home Smile

bridgetreilly · 20/04/2019 13:16

I think she needs (a) to hear you acknowledge that some of her complaints are valid but also (b) that you will not be moving again and that she will need to accept that. Perhaps one positive thing would be to increase her allowance out of the extra £200 you're saving each month, so she can feel some direct benefit to her to counter all the negatives.

PregnantSea · 20/04/2019 14:07

Yes, she is being rude and childish. But she's 16, that's what they can be like... So I don't know what to suggest except try to ignore it?

FoxSquadKitten · 20/04/2019 14:09

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you feel like you’re marking time until she’s gone, and that’s not a nice feeling

Yes, are you sure you haven't unwittingly made her feel like this? Because you said 'it's still up in the air which room she's going to be staying in' - staying in? That sounds very temporary to me 🤔

kevso · 20/04/2019 18:05

fox I don’t think she thinks that and I don’t think I’ve ever implied it to her. She’s been in her bedroom and then she’s been wanting to be in the living room. I meant it more in which room is going to be her bedroom, maybe I worded it wrong but I definitely didn’t mean it to sound temporary

OP posts:
FoxSquadKitten · 20/04/2019 18:47

Oh well then, as long as she's feels it's her home and welcome, let her get on with it. She doesn't like living in a flat? Well I'd tell her she's free to buy a nice big house when she gets a job and pays for it 🙂

puppy23 · 20/04/2019 19:02

Could you offer her part of the £200 for her to spend on clothes/make up/whatever she's into? That might sway her a bit

OneInAMillionYou · 21/04/2019 10:29

OP if there is any spare out of the £200 I suggest you spend it on yourself for a change!

Don't try and buy off her whinges, that never ends well and you will be setting an unhelpful pattern. You're doing great giving this so much thought, I'm not sure she deserves you. Can she not imagine the hundreds of other scenarios where she would be so much worse off?

CantStopMeNow · 21/04/2019 11:44

I know that she's just a teenager who doesn't fully understand
Then teach her how to be gratfeul for all the priviledges she enjoys.
Teach her the value of things instead of just constantly 'giving' her stuff and pandering to her.

Yes, you've heard plenty of times now how she doesn't like the flat - but she has a secure roof above her head whereas there are many kids her age who are living in bedsits and sharing one room with their whole family!

Don't give here the living room - that's pandering to her.
The living room needs to be bigger so you can all hang out in it together, so there's room for guests when they visit.

£200 - teach her the value of that money. Start by stopping all her treats, pocket money etc. Tell her she can do chores to start earning all her privileges - she'll soon understand!

Yes, she's behaving like a typical teenager but that doesn't mean you have to pander to it or allow her to get away with obnoxious behaviour and attitude.
She is still capable of understanding the difference between right and wrong, rude and polite, grateful and ungrateful.

Margot33 · 21/04/2019 11:49

I don't think she's being rude, just feeling frustrated. She has to be quiet and is only allowed certain friends over? I wouldnt like that. Is there somewhere she can meet up with he mates as a group? Like a park or town. Think she needs to get out more.

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