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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my dd (16) is being rude?

99 replies

kevso · 19/04/2019 22:12

My dd hasn't stopped complaining about the flat we live in since we moved in. She says it's too small, and that she feels as if she has no freedom. We have had to make a few sacrifices for this flat, such as being on the top floor (only the fourth floor!) and not having a garden, but I'm happy here and I absolutely love our little home. I don't let her have many friends round, or to stay over due to the noise, but I don't think it would annoy her that much as she doesn't have many round anyway. In her eyes it's completely unfair, but in my eyes, she's going to be moving out to uni in two years time anyway, so it isn't as if it's going to be forever. AIBU to think she should just suck it up?

OP posts:
Original poster
kevso · 19/04/2019 22:47

thesmallassassin She opens up to me about everything, we're super close. I've tried to empathise with her but it's difficult when I work so hard to make sure she's fed, and has a roof over her head, and then I feel as if I'm just being taken for granted.

cereal Thank you. It's tough when they're at this age, and they think they're grown enough to know everything, but also want everything done for them.

OP posts:
InsertFunnyUsername · 19/04/2019 22:48

YANBU but she's a teenager, thats what they do! (moan) and reality is you live where you live, for good reason and as long as she has a roof over her head, and some privacy then all is well.

mbosnz · 19/04/2019 22:48

I think I'd be alternating between ignoring, and rolling the eyes. While biting the tongue. They always think they're due so much more than they're getting. . .

Amongstthetallgrass · 19/04/2019 22:49

Myrtle where has op alluded to that? Ffs...

Original poster
kevso · 19/04/2019 22:49

myrtle Considering that we had noise complaints because her and her friends were being loud (and they were being loud), I don't like her having friends round that play loud music and cause issues.

OP posts:
Bittern11 · 19/04/2019 22:52

Sympathy!

They are so black and white at this age. Full of criticism of how you do things, but with no idea of how they would do things better! And no understanding of money...

Sit her down and explain what you can buy each month with that £200...

myrtleWilson · 19/04/2019 22:55

Amongstthetallgrass alluded to what?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2019 22:56

Amongstthetallgrass
Was that a council flat? I think 16 yos with new borns today would think you pretty coddled tbh. Not a cat in hells chance they’d be housed in an ha flat. And if it was private, how exactly would a 16 yo pass the credit checks now required. These days you’d be in that hostel.

Kevso
Did you discuss the flat with your dd first and try to get her involved in / on board with the decision? That sounds like quite a change. Sensitive age gcse year. I don’t think she’s being rude. She’s venting her frustration.

Have you tried sympathising with her? Perhaps once she knows she’s been heard even if nothing will change she may move to acceptance. She’s still trying to learn to manage her emotions. Help her deal with them rather than dismissing them.

Mintandthyme · 19/04/2019 22:58

Just to add I was 16 when I got my my first flat with a new born baby. Today’s kids are far too coddled.

So would you be advising her to go and have a baby then ???

Wolfiefan · 19/04/2019 22:59

£200 isn’t that much? Ok then. She can go and get a job to earn enough for you both to move into the house of her dreams! Grin

DishingOutDone · 19/04/2019 23:02

Don't worry Kevso you'll be on your own soon enough .... Hmm

Original poster
kevso · 19/04/2019 23:02

mummy I discussed it, and I promised that I'd 'make it up to her' by letting her decorate her room however she wanted. We still haven't quite gotten to that bit as it's still up in the air which room she's going to be staying in, but she knows once we decided she's going to have basically free rein over how her bedroom looks.

I have tried, but maybe I need to try a little bit harder to make sure she knows I'm not having a go at her, and that I just want her to love the place we live.

OP posts:
northerngirl2012 · 19/04/2019 23:03

Let her invite friends round & ask them to be mindful of the noise.

Can you make her room look nice, or you have the smaller one?

LillithsFamiliar · 19/04/2019 23:04

Have you explained where the extra £200 is going? tbh I think most people would feel sad about moving from a house with a garden to a flat .
You must have been disappointed when you found out you had to move. Was there no possibility of moving to a different landlord with a house with a garden? Have you explained to your DD why that wasn't possible?
It feels as though you haven't discussed any of this enough with her. From her pov, she probably feels she's lost her house, her home, her garden, her ability to have friends round. That's a lot to lose.
And yy it would make your life easier if she sucked it up but, again from her pov, you haven't made life easier for her.

Original poster
kevso · 19/04/2019 23:05

northern I've told her that she can have friends round if they prove that they can behave (in other words, but most of her friends that have come round since have been very respectful)

My bedroom is about the same size as hers. It isn't tiny, but smaller than what she had at the old place. If she moves into what is supposed to be the living room, it'll be about double, but I need to figure out if our living room furniture can fit in her room comfortably. Once decided, she can decorate!

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 19/04/2019 23:07

Once she’s at uni managing her own finances and house share, she’ll realise exactly how lovely her home with you is and how much £200.00 is actually worth.

I’d start just zoning her moaning out.

My DC also sixteen, once informed me she was going to uni and never coming back. I was really upset and asked her why. She couldn’t explain. She then changed it to she thought that’s what I expected. I asked her what her plans were. She didn’t have any, and now when I ever mention giving her room to her younger sibling once she leaves for uni (and the wide world forever apparently), she keeps pointing out she’ll be home for breaks and after she’s finished uni.

Sometimes teens say the oddest things just to get a reaction. I try not to rise to it. I do intend to torment mine about the never coming back thing forever (she’s v embarrassed about it).

Sunonthepatio · 19/04/2019 23:09

Give her the small room and then she won't have any room change to resent whilst at university.

Original poster
kevso · 19/04/2019 23:10

Lillith We could've, but like I've said previously, she never used the garden (and it was getting hard for me to upkeep, I work full time and then part time freelancing on top of that, and there was no way I could afford upkeep).
She knows that we were struggling before, and that now money is less of an issue. I probably could've gone more into it, but when I told her, she wasn't disappointed, and whilst she wasn't exactly excited she wasn't sad about it.

OP posts:
HomeMadeMadness · 19/04/2019 23:10

Wow some of the posts are really nasty. OP is being a responsible neighbour. They've had noise complaints so she's limited the number of friends DD can have round. It didn't sound at all like OP was counting down the days until DD moves out - she's just being realistic that DD won't be there full time in a few years time.

KaterinaPetrova · 19/04/2019 23:15

I understand her point and I don't understand why you won't allow her friends over? However, unless she is paying the rent then she should quit whinging. I worked and rented my own place at 16 because I had no choice.

Nearlythere1 · 19/04/2019 23:15

Oh my god OP, don't give her the living room! I'm sorry but that will affect your quality of life more than having two stick it out for two years in a smaller bedroom. She sounds very ungrateful and I definitely don't think you should be rewarding her moaning by giving in and giving her the living room. I think the whole situation sounds very reasonable. Is it just you and her or other DC?

LillithsFamiliar · 19/04/2019 23:16

The reality is probably different from her expectation. fwiw she will probably adjust. It's just you need to acknowledge it is an adjustment rather than seeing yourself as being on different sides. eg 'I miss the old house too but it is nice not to have to worry about bills and we can redecorate more here, etc, etc'.

Nearlythere1 · 19/04/2019 23:16

For god sake people she is allowed friends over, two at a time, just not for loud raging sleepovers!!! Christ can people not read. And so fuck if she isn't allowed friends over frankly. Bohoo. Jesus talk about martyr mums.

Original poster
kevso · 19/04/2019 23:17

Katerina I'm letting her have her friends round. I'm not letting her friends round that have been loud and caused noise complaints.

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 19/04/2019 23:18

OP, rest assured that wherever you lived, whatever decisions you made, she would be making an obnoxious brat of herself at every opportunity, just as she is now. They do that. It’s nature’s way of making it possible for us to let them go.
Be brisk and business-like, listen to her concerns but make it clear you can’t and won’t compromise on this. As you say, two years and she’ll be away.