Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to mind ex and OW baby

98 replies

WeirdSituation · 15/04/2019 14:32

Ex left me and DD for OW a couple of years ago. OW hates kids, has said so from the start and her relationship with DD has been a testament of this.
I have never met her as for too long I was far too hurt then she became pregnant I bought gifts for her and the baby as I will never be able to give DD a sibling so her relationship with the baby is really important to me but she didn’t want to meet me while she was pregnant.

I have a much loved ddog who ex and OW have minded for me on occasion and OW (I should really have a new name for her at this stage I know!) has been very kind to my ddog and has said they’ll take her anytime. I’m so grateful for this as I don’t have much of a support network. Though this has been under three times and only once as a favor to me.

I have had the baby overnight on the premise that DD gets a “sleepover” with her DD (who is under 6 months) and DD is under 10 years. So it’s not a sleepover, I’m just minding their child.
When I have suggested that it’s a bit odd considering OW has never met me, ex brings up that they helped with my ddog and alluded to OW struggling which is a sore point for me as I suffered awful PND.

These two people have caused me so much pain but on the other hand they don’t have much other support either so maybe it’s best, plus it enables DD to have a close relationship with her Dsis.

OP posts:
PutyourtoponTrevor · 15/04/2019 14:35

Stop asking them to have your dog and stop having the kid overnight, they are obviously using you as a baby sitter, it's nothing to do with your kid and theirs getting to know each other.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 15/04/2019 14:37

She said she hates children openly and your Ex still chose to have a child with her? What a twat he is.

I don't know; do you think it would help your DD bond with the baby if you did? If not, I'd think twice.

Butteredghost · 15/04/2019 14:38

If they want the two children to spend more time together why wouldn't it be at their house? Not yours.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2019 14:39

Well you sound like a Saint minding ANYONE'S new born, and she sounds either a little odd or really struggling / ill to hand the baby over to the DP's ex who she's never met. I guess there's a compliment there.

I think you have to think
A) how much do you need their help with the dog? If they refuse how much will it actually matter?
B) how often does ex have DD? How much time and sleepovers does she get anyway? Is she really benefitting from it?
C) just how badly is ow coping? She chose to go ahead with the pregnancy, unplanned or not, but if she has severe PND is it worth helping out for now as a decent human being?
D) or are they just using you to go off and have fun?
E) how long is it likely to go on / how often has it happened?

I think it's OK to say actually if thry want you to mind their baby then you want to have met her at least once.

Shazafied · 15/04/2019 14:39

Yeah,
Fuck that.

Your dd can see the baby when she visits her dad, surely?

CF OW how dare she expect you to look after her baby?! We all struggle with babies, let her crack on with it.

I wouldn’t ask them to take the dog again.

youknowmedontyou · 15/04/2019 14:42

Just no!

Divgirl2 · 15/04/2019 14:42

OW is happy to let her partner's exW have her tiny baby overnight?! You sound lovely, you really do, but that is absolutely baffling to me. And that's absolutely not meant as a dig at you.

I'd stop asking them to have your dog, and stop minding their child. How often do they have your DD for "sleepovers"?

HeyJude81 · 15/04/2019 14:42

You’re a better woman than me!! Keep ur dog and let them keep their child. If they want ‘sleepovers’ it needs to be done at their house, not yours. You will very quickly become the babysitter if you don’t nip it in the bud soon!

Nearlythere1 · 15/04/2019 14:42

Omg, stop that right now, they're taking you for a mug.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2019 14:44

All a bit weird. Of course you don’t have to look after their baby. Why would you?! The relationship between DD and baby sibling is up to your ex to sort and should be done in his home and on his time.

You’re not friends. Don’t ask them to mind your dog.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 15/04/2019 14:45

Wtf?

RomanyQueen1 · 15/04/2019 14:45

Well if you want mug tattooed on your head carry on being used.
I don't understand why you are putting yourself out for these people.
Just send your dd when you are supposed to and only contact ex regarding your dd contact.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/04/2019 14:54

There are so many things which are wrong and unhealthy about this dynamic I don't know where to start.

But two things to resolve this:

  1. Stop having them look after your dog
  2. Don't baby sit their child
  3. Establish boundaries; your DD is of course entitled to see/visit her dad and sibling - but she also deserves to be treated with respect by step-mum.
diddl · 15/04/2019 14:55

If you don't want to do it then don't.

It's up to the baby's parents to make the relationship work with your daughter.

Don't be doing stuff you don't want to because you can't give your daughter a sibling.

happyhillock · 15/04/2019 15:02

OMG are you for real? you look after your ex's child!! I'm gobsmacked, your DD can see your ex's child when she visit's him, they certainly seen you coming

Hanab · 15/04/2019 15:04

I don’t know wether you are an angel or just easy to take advantage of.why in the name of all that is good did he have a child with a person who doesn’t like kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your ex trusts you enough to know you will look after the baby but I can’t fathom how can he/they compare looking after a dog with a child?

Thirdly the woman has not met you and allows her baby to stay with you.. wow!
Does she not have a bond with the baby?

This is my theory.. ex sends baby to you to get the love ( not personal child love just baby love) & attention from you. He probably cannot cope doing it alone and is using you in a way ..

Okay okay ... I am wayyyy out with my theory but it’s what is running through my mind 🤷🏻‍♀️

Last thing .. if you don’t mind looking after the baby it is in a way helping your child bond with her sibling in your own environment.. but they should compensate you somehow ..

Okay total last opinion .. she would rather look after the dog then a child .. maybe she is one of those ladies who don’t have those mothering feelings ...

titchy · 15/04/2019 15:09

wtf? It does your dd no good whatsoever to have a mother with absolutely no boundaries you know. Think on.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 15/04/2019 15:09

I thought it was odd you bought her baby gifts but to babysit and they mind you’re dog is bonkers. You guys need to reset some boundaries

Original poster
WeirdSituation · 15/04/2019 15:10

Thanks for all the replies.

I know it’s barmy, trust me I do!
I’m really not a mug in any other sense but I can see that’s how it seem here.
OW has been truly vile to DD so she stays mostly with me and everyone is happy with this.
She’s always not a national so has even less support than me and ex (it’s really not a case of feeling sorry for her, trust me if there was no baby involved I wouldn’t wish her or ex well at all)
I just think the fact they’re asking means they must be really desperate and tbh I have a sick worry feeling about them as parents in general. Ex was never abusive, controlling etc but was very dim witted. OW freaks me out as she has been all of the above.

As far as I know she is illegal here which means she couldn’t have left to avail of a termination (we’re in Ireland) that’s me hazarding a very wild guess though as to why they had a baby when she is so vocal in detesting children.

OP posts:
ChiaraRimini · 15/04/2019 15:10

I just can't imagine the mentality of a woman who would ask someone she had never met let alone her husbands ex to look after her newborn
Nothing personal to you OP but your ex and his partner are seriously weird.

GarthFunkel · 15/04/2019 15:11

Your DD can have quality time with her sibling on her father's time, not yours. Showing an interest in your DD''s sibling doesn't mean you have to babysit.

And obviously babysitting the baby does not equal babysitting the dog.

Original poster
WeirdSituation · 15/04/2019 15:12

Regarding ddog, what I mean is it has always been DD that asked but only one time was it a case that it suited me if that makes sense? Not actually me asking them to do me a favor.

OP posts:
OutInTheCountry · 15/04/2019 15:18

I think if this was all some groovy extended family where everyone got on then I could understand it but no, it's just too weird. I think you sound lovely for wanting to help her but I'd nip it in the bud - babies are one thing but do you really want an ongoing relationship with this child?

outpinked · 15/04/2019 15:20

So, so weird. She literally hates your DD and had behaved appallingly towards her in the past yet you still bought her baby gifts and let her mind your dog? The fact she was the OW would be enough reason for most people not to even want to contact her let alone the rest! I can’t believe she now has the further cheek to ask you to babysit their baby!

No, just no.

ElektraUnchained · 15/04/2019 15:23

Although it may make you a mug, I actually think you are being very kind here and rising above their actions. You want the siblings to have a relationship and that is laudable.

It sounds like you are concerned the baby could be at risk of harm as well and so are keeping an eye.

If it were me I would probably do exactly the same as you as long as it wasn't impacting on me unreasonably.