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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to mind ex and OW baby

98 replies

WeirdSituation · 15/04/2019 14:32

Ex left me and DD for OW a couple of years ago. OW hates kids, has said so from the start and her relationship with DD has been a testament of this.
I have never met her as for too long I was far too hurt then she became pregnant I bought gifts for her and the baby as I will never be able to give DD a sibling so her relationship with the baby is really important to me but she didn’t want to meet me while she was pregnant.

I have a much loved ddog who ex and OW have minded for me on occasion and OW (I should really have a new name for her at this stage I know!) has been very kind to my ddog and has said they’ll take her anytime. I’m so grateful for this as I don’t have much of a support network. Though this has been under three times and only once as a favor to me.

I have had the baby overnight on the premise that DD gets a “sleepover” with her DD (who is under 6 months) and DD is under 10 years. So it’s not a sleepover, I’m just minding their child.
When I have suggested that it’s a bit odd considering OW has never met me, ex brings up that they helped with my ddog and alluded to OW struggling which is a sore point for me as I suffered awful PND.

These two people have caused me so much pain but on the other hand they don’t have much other support either so maybe it’s best, plus it enables DD to have a close relationship with her Dsis.

OP posts:

LillithsFamiliar · 15/04/2019 15:26

The dog is irrelevant. Their baby isn't a pet. I'd close down any of those comparisons.
As for looking after the baby. That is entirely up to you. Don't feel pressured into it because it's your DD's sibling. Don't feel blackmailed into it because they watched your dog. Don't feel guilted into it because OW may have PND. Only do it if you feel that you want to and the timing, etc suits you.

Womanland · 15/04/2019 15:27

I actually don't think it is awful to look after the baby. I think if you can get to a place with an ex where you can respect each other and each other's families and you can facilitate a relationship between siblings that is close irrespective of location then you are doing really well.

HOWEVER....

It does sound like this woman is not someone I would want my child around. If I were in your shoes I would be glad to look after their innocent wee baby but I would be very wary of letting MY child spend time with HER.

Hecateh · 15/04/2019 15:28

I would as a one off - that's not to say it's a good idea I just think it is a good thing to do.

My friend and her husband regularly used to have his ex wife's little one along with his 2 boys, who were a good 10 years older. Not every time but 2 or 3 times a year. Not when he was a baby though.

Eliza9919 · 15/04/2019 15:28

These two people have caused me so much pain but on the other hand they don’t have much other support either

They should be nicer to people that are around for them then, shouldn't they.

Like fuck would I be looking after the baby of the OW full stop, let alone if she didn't even have the decency to meet me. So what if she is struggling, she fucked your H leaving YOU to cope and struggle all alone. Fuck her.

Holidayshopping · 15/04/2019 15:29

Doesn’t your daughter get ‘sleepovers’ with the baby at their house though?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/04/2019 15:30

It’s very odd to compare dogsitting to baby sitting. Even more odd for the mother to allow you to have a precious baby as you’ve never met. Your ex is clearly a drip and a twit. You are soooo much better on your own. The thing is, are you ok with having the child overnight? You say you want your dd to have a relationship with her sister and it sounds as if this is the only way. I wonder how she treats the baby.

sillysmiles · 15/04/2019 15:30

Both of those parents sound grim and dumb at the very least - you are this little baby's escape!

sue51 · 15/04/2019 15:30

I probably would do the same as OP. I would be concerned about the baby's welfare given ow's dislike of children and dim witted ness of the ex. Any sign that things were not as they should be for the baby I would act on.

GreenTulips · 15/04/2019 15:34

sue51

Not seeing how OP having the baby sleepover occasionally is going to make a jot of difference! That’s what SS or NSPCC, childlike etc are for

Saracen · 15/04/2019 15:34

I know this probably SHOULD be seen from the POV of how it impacts on you and your dd. But am totally unable to fathom the OW wanting to leave her young baby overnight with someone she doesn't know. (I guess that her baby's dad knows and trusts you, so that counts for something.) It is so strange that it convinces me she must be having horrendous problems of some sort, whether personal, medical or emotional.

But I can't think how you could discover the truth of it in order to know whether you need to take any action.

Namestheyareachangin · 15/04/2019 15:35

This woman says she hates children and is abusive to your daughter, and is (you say) illegally resident in Ireland. She lets someone look after her little baby who she has never met, and who has every reason in the world to wish her ill, frankly. The kindest thing you could do for this little baby is report her and your ex as a concern to Social Services and let matters take their course. She is not a fit parent.

MegaClutterSlut · 15/04/2019 15:37

Fuck. That. Shit. With her being the ow is reason alone not to do it, let alone she hates your dd.
Why should u do them any favours?. They wasn't thinking of the shit storm they were gonna cause your family when they had an affair and how you'd have to cope with your dd alone. I'd be telling them to kiss my ass

Sarahandco · 15/04/2019 15:38

I understand why you are helping in this way, however, if she is illegal she could decide to go home with her child at some point and if your dd has formed a strong relationship with her sibling it could be a big problem for her in the future. If she is vile to your daughter then I don't think she will be facilitating their relationship in the same way that you are.

I think that anyone who allows a baby under 6 months to stay over with someone they have never met could have serious problems and so for your daughter you should proceed with caution.

Ellenborough · 15/04/2019 15:42

You remind me of my mother. This is the sort of thing she did. Stop bending over backwards to help them out with their child. It’s not your job to make sure your DD has a relationship with her half sibling, it’s theirs.

I think you feel some sort of compulsion to show everyone how that you are the bigger person in spite of what they’ve put you and your DD through. I think you get some sort of perverse and martyr-like kick out of it. Ask yourself why you are doing this. They don’t give a stuff about you and never have. Get a backbone.

Sarahandco · 15/04/2019 15:43

I would also worry that if she is as you say vile to children, what if she harms the child at home and then blames you. You should speak to your ex and determine whether the child is safe or whether you should report concerns to the authorities

Ellenborough · 15/04/2019 15:43

Also, if you really do think she is an illegal immigrant then report her FFS.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 15/04/2019 15:43

OP I wouldn't report her to SS unless you see some legitimate concerns for the baby. You don't want OW to run off back to her home country with your daughter's sibling.

However you need to tell your ex and his partner "No you won't look after their child."

If you cannot do this directly then make up some excuse why you can't e.g. we are going to see DD gran/aunt/uncle/great-great aunt/whatever and they aren't well enough to cope with a young baby as well. And keep repeating until they get the message.

Also stop them looking after your dog. It is your pet not theirs.

Womanland · 15/04/2019 15:45

She's not just "the OW's child" she's Op's daughter's little sister and has done nothing wrong. I would be focussing on that and thinking about what I can do to make the children's lives better.

SymphonyofShadows · 15/04/2019 15:46

The dog was presumably his dog too at some point, that he left behind as well? Hardly a favour if that’s the case.

No way I’d be giving them even the steam off my piss. Your DD is never going to have a good relationship with their child if the mother is vile to her, and her father needs a good kick up the arse for allowing it to happen. If you have concerns then report them to SS, as previous posters have said.

Mari50 · 15/04/2019 15:48

I read a book recently that was based on a similar bat shit crazy premise- how to be second best I think it was called. Seriously OP, take a step back and make some changes.

PregnantSea · 15/04/2019 15:49

They are using you. You can facilitate a relationship between your DC and theirs without being used. Stop looking after their baby for them, it's really not your job and they obviously aren't grateful and don't reciprocate by even being pleasant to you. If she wants you to be a babysitter for her the very least she could do is introduce herself to you. This whole thing is ridiculous. You deserve better treatment, OP x

PicsInRed · 15/04/2019 15:53

What?

No.

FUCK THAT.

In all seriousness, get some counselling to allow yourself some boundaries and to develop your ability to say NO. The freedom programme could be very useful as I'm guessing both ex and OW are abusing you.

diddl · 15/04/2019 15:56

"I just think the fact they’re asking means they must be really desperate"

Or just using you.

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/04/2019 15:57

Your behavior is saintly to the point of being unnatural. He left you for her and you're buying her baby-gifts and babysitting her child! Can I ask, are you completely over your ex or is some part of you trying to show him how nice you are and what he's given up?

DoulaDaisy · 15/04/2019 16:05

@Holidayshopping, would you let your DD stay overnight in anyone's house if they were being vile to them? Why would you do it if the father was letting his partner be vile to your child?

OP, there were ways to get an abortion without travelling out of the country when it was illegal if they were that desperate (and yes I've been there, done that) they'd have gone to any length not to have a child.

My advice, take a step back. It's not your job to foster a relationship between your DD and her sibling, it is her fathers and if he has no interest then that's not your problem.

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