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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to mind ex and OW baby

98 replies

WeirdSituation · 15/04/2019 14:32

Ex left me and DD for OW a couple of years ago. OW hates kids, has said so from the start and her relationship with DD has been a testament of this.
I have never met her as for too long I was far too hurt then she became pregnant I bought gifts for her and the baby as I will never be able to give DD a sibling so her relationship with the baby is really important to me but she didn’t want to meet me while she was pregnant.

I have a much loved ddog who ex and OW have minded for me on occasion and OW (I should really have a new name for her at this stage I know!) has been very kind to my ddog and has said they’ll take her anytime. I’m so grateful for this as I don’t have much of a support network. Though this has been under three times and only once as a favor to me.

I have had the baby overnight on the premise that DD gets a “sleepover” with her DD (who is under 6 months) and DD is under 10 years. So it’s not a sleepover, I’m just minding their child.
When I have suggested that it’s a bit odd considering OW has never met me, ex brings up that they helped with my ddog and alluded to OW struggling which is a sore point for me as I suffered awful PND.

These two people have caused me so much pain but on the other hand they don’t have much other support either so maybe it’s best, plus it enables DD to have a close relationship with her Dsis.

OP posts:

Flaverings · 15/04/2019 21:51

This isn’t healthy. Are drugs involved? Are some of you vulnerable in some way?

Dishwashersaurous · 15/04/2019 21:54

Just stop

Do not have anything more to do with it

If your ex wants to facilitate a relationship between his children then he can. It is not your responsibility in any way to be involved

Mymadworld · 15/04/2019 22:27

This isn’t healthy. Are drugs involved? Are some of you vulnerable in some way?

My thoughts exactly

GreenTulips · 16/04/2019 00:43

I’d do the same as you op...a baby is a baby ,I’d help anyone out who was struggling

What if the baby gets injured in your care? What of the baby had injuries coming into your care and both parents decided you caused them?

Do you want to be in that position? You’d lose custody of your own child.

Worth a thought

MarthasGinYard · 16/04/2019 00:48

'OW hates kids, has said so from the start and her relationship with DD has been a testament of this.'

She's been 'vile' to your dd you admit in another post yet you prance around buying silly gifts and being all grateful because they dog sit.

What an actual mug you are.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/04/2019 00:58

I cannot understand why you would do this.

You have serious issues, you really do. I understand why you wouldn't want your own DD anywhere near this woman, but why would you take her baby in? If ANYTHING happens to that baby, anything at all, who do you think is going to cop the blame?

you want your DD to have a relationship with her little half sister - that's cute, but at this stage, that's all it is. It's not for you to facilitate this relationship either.

If this woman is as anti-children as she says, this baby is in for a rough life :(

SpinneyHill · 16/04/2019 01:05

You're being an adult and making a bad situation tolerable. It's exhausting to hate anyway and your childs family should be as united and stable as you can cope with for everyones sake. You've managed making it beneficial for all it and it sounds like you're the anchor.

It's weird seeing it on Mumsnet because most of us couldn't or wouldn't, be proud of it

SpinneyHill · 16/04/2019 01:20

Why are so many convinced OP will become careless and allow a baby to come to harm? Why would anyone suggest putting their childs sibling into care? Why is not being a cunt with a grudge the same as being a mug?

Some of the vitiol being thrown toward a mum who isn't full of hate because she let it go and the callousness toward a baby (that her child will love and is related to) who has a struggling, isolated mum is alarming.

Be sure to look after yourself, but you're great, everyone is lucky to have you and I'm sure they realise it

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/04/2019 02:00

I'm getting a feeling of deja vu when reading your updates.

Your Ex presumably left you at home looking after your DD while he went out and cheated on you with the OW.

Ex leaves you and DD.

OW and Ex have a child. They've started leaving you with their child while they go out and enjoy themselves.

You're the person your Ex relies on to be responsible so he doesn't have to be (and the OW is starting to do it as well). You need to break this cycle, OP, and let him know that you're not there for him anymore because you're not interested in a cheating bastard.

Find a good dog sitter in your area and let them get on with raising their child. Being a foreign national with no family close by (as I was when DC were born) doesn't mean you can't parent properly. It's up to the OW to learn parenting skills and make friends...although given how she behaves, I expect that's hard for her. Not your concern, though.

lboogy · 16/04/2019 02:41

That's be a hard no from me. Find someone else to look after the dog

SpinneyHill · 16/04/2019 03:12

Is baby registered if shes illegal?

OutdoorApathy · 16/04/2019 06:47

OP you sound lovely and caring. I think you need to think long and hard about this and decide how much you are willing to give.
As the child gets older, are you willing and able to take on more care?
If the worst come to the worst, will you look after the child permanently?
Are they using you for baby care whilst DD (and baby) is too young to babysit? Will they shovel it on to her once they're both a bit older?

What details do you have from ex? Do you know which doctor they're registered with?
Do you have contact details for both parents? And do they let you know where they're going?

Halo84 · 16/04/2019 07:27

If OW hates children, she may have had a child thinking it will bind your ex to her, possibly even allow for her legalization. I’ve seen this. It never works out well.

Find another sitter for the dog, and make yourself unavailable to look after their child.

OwlBeThere · 16/04/2019 07:56

In some cultures it’s absolutely normal for extended family in the shape of former wives or other wives to look after each other’s babies. You don’t say where she’s from but it’s possible to her this is a very normal thing. Or it could be she’s so depressed/ not bonded with this baby she doesn’t care, and that’s sad and worrying for the babies sake.
It’s all well and good people saying to stop doing it, but there’s a small baby in the middle of this and I don’t care who her mother is, she deserves to be cared for.
To me OP, you have 4?choices.

continue to mind the baby when asked
continue to mind the baby but alsocontact SS to get some help in place for this child and her mum.
refuse to mind the baby anymore and contact SS
refuse to mind the baby and do nothing else.

For me, I’d have to do 2. I couldn’t live with myself any other way. If that makes me a mug, then that’s fine, I’d rather be a mug and know that child is ok.

Halo84 · 16/04/2019 08:36

Most of those cultures keep women close to male relatives.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 16/04/2019 08:58

Stop this right now.

Pay for a dog sitter.

Then get laser treatment to remove the giant tattoo that say “mug” on your forehead.

formerbabe · 16/04/2019 09:00

Give your head a wobble

zsazsajuju · 16/04/2019 09:00

I think it’s lovely and you’re a great mum to your son.

OwlBeThere · 16/04/2019 09:02

@halo84...doesn’t mean she doesn’t come from one of those cultures. Or maybe she doesn’t. Just a thought.

Eslteacher06 · 16/04/2019 09:04

Yeah......naaaaaah!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/04/2019 09:53

In all honesty I don't think it's that important to have a relationship with half siblings who don't live with each other. Nice if it happens but it can't work unless the shared parent is actively making it happen. Where the new wife CBA or is hostile to her step child, and the only person making an effort is the first wife, it's never going to be a good situation.
If you have a genuine concern for the baby's wellbeing then notify social services or the health visitor, but otherwise I'd stay out of it.
He left you - let him and the ow sort their own shit out. If she's struggling, that's not your problem. Keep your own child away from her. The fact that he looked after the dog is irrelevant - presumably it was his dog too before he buggered off. Even if it wasn't, looking after a dog is not comparable to looking after a baby.
I think you should be taking a 'not your circus, not your monkeys' approach.

zsazsajuju · 18/04/2019 06:59

To expand on my comment i think it is lovely that you are helping foster a relationship between your son and his sibling. As a child whose dad had an affair I would have appreciated that. If it’s in any way difficult for you, you shouldn’t do it. But if overall you enjoy it (lots of people enjoy babies although they are definitely hard work). enough to do it, I would say that’s fab and you are an amazing parent.

Fragglesrooke · 18/04/2019 07:46

My DH's ex has minded our DC since they were a few weeks old and we mind her DC with new partner BUT this is on the back of a strong relationship, years old and with my SDC central to everything any of us do. It doesn't sound like this is the case for you. On the plus side the 4 kids consider themselves full siblings (as do we) and they have a ridiculously strong bond.

I would need to know the reason behind the requests. If it is to foster the relationship between the kids and your DC is made to feel at home with them then it's worth trying to take the emotional hit to facilitate this. If the reason is anything else then I'd be very wary. Would you be willing to meet her now? I'd want to see for myself how she interacted with the DC together.

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