Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not want to mind ex and OW baby

98 replies

WeirdSituation · 15/04/2019 14:32

Ex left me and DD for OW a couple of years ago. OW hates kids, has said so from the start and her relationship with DD has been a testament of this.
I have never met her as for too long I was far too hurt then she became pregnant I bought gifts for her and the baby as I will never be able to give DD a sibling so her relationship with the baby is really important to me but she didn’t want to meet me while she was pregnant.

I have a much loved ddog who ex and OW have minded for me on occasion and OW (I should really have a new name for her at this stage I know!) has been very kind to my ddog and has said they’ll take her anytime. I’m so grateful for this as I don’t have much of a support network. Though this has been under three times and only once as a favor to me.

I have had the baby overnight on the premise that DD gets a “sleepover” with her DD (who is under 6 months) and DD is under 10 years. So it’s not a sleepover, I’m just minding their child.
When I have suggested that it’s a bit odd considering OW has never met me, ex brings up that they helped with my ddog and alluded to OW struggling which is a sore point for me as I suffered awful PND.

These two people have caused me so much pain but on the other hand they don’t have much other support either so maybe it’s best, plus it enables DD to have a close relationship with her Dsis.

OP posts:

bigKiteFlying · 15/04/2019 16:06

Regarding ddog, what I mean is it has always been DD that asked but only one time was it a case that it suited me if that makes sense?

I have family that do that - favours you don't really want then are expected to be very greatful for.

I think you need better boundaries. Their childcare issues are not your problem to solve.

I'm also not sure you alone can generate a good sibling relationship here.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 15/04/2019 16:09

This reminds me of the Denise Richards situation! OP in your shoes, I would care for your DD’s sibling, purely because it is a safe and healthy environment for your dd to develop a relationship with her sibling. I wouldn’t want my DD anywhere near the OW, particularly as she has been vile to her!

I would ideally keep contact away from the OW completely and if in the caring for your dd’s sibling you suspect neglect or abuse, I would be contacting SS or NSPCC.

I would make sure to keep a record of every conversation and interaction, be it via text/ email/ letter and make sure you have a paper trail.

NoHolidaysforyou · 15/04/2019 16:11

I would not take responsibility for the child and I would call social services. If something does happen then at least the baby should be safe, that's more important than her legal status imo.

Bouncingbelle · 15/04/2019 16:13

Buying baby gifts 'from your dd' - yes, id do that too, as i would want my child to think dad having a new baby is ok with me.
Babysitting - if me & the OW got on well, she was kind to my child, maybe on occasion. But when the OW is vile to your child but expects you too look afyer hers - HELL NO! (And i really do see your POV about it being yours DD's sibling, but still, NO. Id be worried about what message it was giving your dd - it doesnt matter how horrible OW is to her, mummy will still be nice to OW?!!!)

mmgirish · 15/04/2019 16:15

I'm not trying to be unkind here but I really think you need to consider how your daughter will view this now as a child but also as an adult. You and your ex let her spend tine with an adult who is vile to her then. This adult along with your ex split up the family and you do them favours?

I think your daughter needs better support than you are giving her. You are both damaging her emotionally.

Just because you can't give her a sibling doesn't mean you need to be the one facilitating a relationship with you ex's child. You also sound like you need counselling to realise your self worth.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/04/2019 16:16

I can't believe what I am reading (and I too have to deal with an utterly vile OW). Fortunately she's too old to have a baby with my ex-h but I would have slit my own throat rather than look after their child! What on earth are you thinking?

If you have concerns, definitely report to SS and I would be keeping your DD away from OW. What fucking right has she got to expect you to look after her child when she can't even be pleasant to yours? It's madness!

Kaddm · 15/04/2019 16:18

All that I can see from the OP is that her ex is a prize cunt

Michaelbaubles · 15/04/2019 16:22

Honestly I’d be really worried it’d end up with you basically taking on this child - they sound like poor parents who don’t much want the child, and then it’ll be “well you don’t want DD to lose her sibling” and the baby will be used to you...not a paranoid thought I’d usually jump to but here it seems all too likely.

bratzilla · 15/04/2019 16:25

She’s happy for you to have her baby overnight when she hasn’t even met you? Things will only get worse, expect the ex to want to get back with you soon!

KittyInTheCradle · 15/04/2019 16:27

I don't think you are in any way obliged to look after the baby. I don't think it is your responsibility, and there would be nothing unreasonable about you refusing. That would be a lot of people's response!

That being said, I don't think it's awful if you do want to babysit! Regardless of the crap parents and their weird behaviour, there's a little baby who is innocent at the centre of this issue. I can see why you would want to support your daughter having her sister in her life.

I agree with other people who said babysit all you like, if you are happy to do so. I'd be more concerned about DD and baby at the other house!

GirlcalledJack · 15/04/2019 16:28

They are ripping the piss out of you and treading all over you!
Why are you allowing this? I fact not just allowing it but giving them gifts and babysitting for them?

I mean this in the nicest possible way but do you have some sort of mental health issue? I find it very hard to understand a person without any MH issues allowing themselves to be treated this way. tbh you seem to be actively encouraging being treated this way.

This isn’t facilitating a relationship with your DD and her step sibling, this is you setting an awful example of how you are allowing people to treat you and your DD to your DD!

BestZebbie · 15/04/2019 16:29

Is it possible that the OW actually did desperately want a baby, but said she didn't to hide that from the ex-W (who had one) and was vile to the DD out of jealousy/resentment (because she is the baby of her partner with another woman, eg: a reminder that she didn't have a baby of her own with him)?
Having said that, you'd think that in that case she wouldn't want her own child to ever leave her sight, let alone go to the ex-W.

Mix56 · 15/04/2019 16:44

Don't do it. Looking after a dog is not the same as being responsible for their baby.
You will end up getting lumbered with the child more & more often.
It is not your responsibility for dc to create a bond

Prettyvase · 15/04/2019 16:46

I'm afraid i'd be soft in this case too if it means the dc are happy.

It's not the baby's fault to have awful parents and no outside help. I would be honoured if someone who hasn't met me but thinks I'm safe to leave the baby with, as such I would look after it as much as they wanted me to.

Social workers are overstretched as it is but if I had any concerns I'd let them know, or at least the health visitor.

Humpy84 · 15/04/2019 16:48

she must be completely desperate and have no support networks to
ask you. It would be nice if you could find some common ground and friendship. I would be inclined to offer the occasional babysitting without it going too far, ie overnight. You never know when you might need a favour repaid as sounds like all of you need support.

EarlyWarning · 15/04/2019 16:52

Get a dog sitter and don't look after the baby again. Seriously!

snowdrop6 · 15/04/2019 16:54

I’d do the same as you op...a baby is a baby ,I’d help anyone out who was struggling.
I think mum hasn’t bonded with baby..the fact she is letting her baby stay with a woman she’s not met suggests she’s not coping .
I think your doing the right thing for your dd.
If social services end up involved,at least baby could end up somewhere he/she was loved and with family .
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your back on Mumsnet in a year saying you’ve got the ow and ex’s baby living with you..

NoSauce · 15/04/2019 17:00

I just can't imagine the mentality of a woman who would ask someone she had never met let alone her husbands ex to look after her newborn

Yes totally agree with this. It’s all very, very odd. I mean letting your baby sleep anywhere at 6 months is bad enough but your partners ex that you’ve never met? 🤔

downcasteyes · 15/04/2019 17:05

Personally, I'd do it. What's done is done and a better relationship with them can only be a good thing. More doggy daycare for you, a better relationship between DD and step-sibling, and more support all round. Since you have fairly amicable and unavoidable contact anyway (I am assuming, hence the DDog situation), building this relationship seems like a sensible way forward.

diddl · 15/04/2019 17:33

You can help your daughter have a relationship with her sister without being used though.

It also doesn't have to be overnights.

How stable are the parents as a couple?

Any chance of her disappearing with the baby or both of them moving away?

Your daughter might noteven be interested in a few years time.

CantStopMeNow · 15/04/2019 18:20

You do realise that they will blame you if anything happens to that baby?
They could injure that baby either deliberately or through neglect and then blame it on you.

Your ex should be facilitating a relationship between his two children at HIS house.
You're being used as a free babysitter.

Drum2018 · 15/04/2019 18:29

You are being a complete mug op. They will continue to use you as long as you allow it. How you could even contemplate minding their child is beyond me. Have a bit of self respect and set firm boundaries where the only communication you have with your ex is about your child together, not his child with ow. He can support a relationship between the children on his time.

Beargrin · 15/04/2019 21:00

Good god. Stop minding their child, this could go so wrong !

ALannisterInDebt · 15/04/2019 21:19

As you say you value the bond between the DC, and neither of you have much of a support structure then a mutually beneficial arrangement would be great.

But if it bothers or hurts you or if you are feeling used and taken advantage of (which you must be to start this thread?) then it's time to stop or reign it in a bit.

I admire you, not being a bitter ex, but look after yourself too.

Cherrysoup · 15/04/2019 21:42

Stop being a mug. They're using you. And don't let your dd stay overnight given how horrific the ow has been to her. That's just batshit.

Flip

1 2 3 4