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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe my 5 year old, not his teacher?

135 replies

Jamhandprints · 11/04/2019 19:31

My 5 year old has ASD with challenging behaviour, usually triggered by routine change.
So today at pick up time the teacher called me over to say he had got his best friend in a head lock for no reason (typical of his behaviour) Then, whilst in time out he has pinned down another child and put a bead up his nose.
I was horrified about this and nearly burst into tears.
I collected my son from the deputy head and asked him, on the way home, to tell me what had happened.
He said he hurt his best friend and put a bead up X's nose.
I asked him to tell me how he had done it and he said:
"I...I don't remember doing it. Miss Y said I did but I just I definitely don't think I did."
I asked a few times in different ways and got the same response, including tears. "You don't have to say tell the truth mummy because I definitely am".
So I phoned the teacher and she said nobody had actually seen it happen but X had said it was my son. She will investigate more tomorrow.
Thinking about it, my son has terrible fine motor skills, so to pin someone down and put a bead up their nose would require a lot of skill.
So i just feel terrible because all the school mums already hate my son (understandably) and I was going to contact the mum and apologise but I think he probably is telling the truth.
He is slow to process speech and respond so probably didn't know what was going on when he was sent to the deputy.
Does it matter?

OP posts:
Ellenborough · 11/04/2019 19:35

I mean this kindly, but I imagine he's blocking it out because he feels embarrassed and doesn't want to get into more trouble with you, as well as the teacher.

A five year old saying he doesn't remember doing something is not evidence that he hasn't done it, I'm afraid.

Original poster
Jamhandprints · 11/04/2019 19:37

But how on earth did he do it? He can't even hold a pencil and he's never stuck anything up his own nose so why would he think of it?

OP posts:
Noonemournsthewicked · 11/04/2019 19:38

If he was upset/angry which I imagine he would be to stick a bead up someone's nose there is a good chance that he won't remember. Being in a state of panic can stop memories being formed.

Does he have an EHCP?

LizzieSiddal · 11/04/2019 19:40

If he can’t hold a pencil in his hand, he wouldn’t be able to pick up a small bead then aim for a nostril, whilst holding someone down.

JK2012 · 11/04/2019 19:43

Extremely difficult one. My son has asd so I understand your struggles.

Of course you would believe your son and nobody actually seen this happen so I understand your concern.

But my asd son has a terrible short term memory. If you ask why he’s done something in the last few hours he can’t give you the answer but can re-call something from years ago easily. Could he be blocking it out?

Even if he did do it?? Why? Were the other kids doing something to provoke? Could your son tell you this?

Extremely tough one here. I hope you get it sorted.

It does sound unlikely your son could stick something up another child’s nose whilst pinning them down.

My own asd son wouldn’t have the motor skills or strength to pin someone down either!

Hugs 🤗

Tulipvase · 11/04/2019 19:44

I would definitely wait for the teacher to do further investigations as whilst I don’t know if your son did put a bead up someone’s nose, I do know that even in Reception, children can be very aware of other children that have a ‘reputation’ and know who to blame if looking for a scapegoat.

Susanna30 · 11/04/2019 19:46

Maybe keep an open mind. But don't assume your child couldn't have done it because he can't use a pencil properly. If he was determined he likely could have picked up a bead. Kids are unpredictable.

Smellbellina · 11/04/2019 19:47

I’d be inclined to believe him and leave the school to deal with it as they see fit

Poppyputthekettleon · 11/04/2019 19:48

Yes I think more investigation is needed, sadly children are quick to find a scapegoat, it may be that X had stuck it up their own nose and then panicked blamed it on your DS as they thought this was the most believable story, I've seen this happen in school. I've had children with challenging behavior blamed by other children for things when the child wasn't even in school that day.

StringyPotatoes · 11/04/2019 19:49

FFS!!
Are those saying "he's blocking out the memories" not reading the OP?! It clearly says no one saw him do it!!!

I have seen it happen: kid has a reputation for aggression so the "victim" is believed because it fits within the pattern of behaviour and kids are quick to work out who to blame.
And if your son has difficulty processing speech then when the teacher said "Did you stick a bead up X's nose?" Is it likely that your son just stood there looking blank? Because that could be read as "yes, I did but I don't want to admit it." By the time he understood what was happening he was already in trouble.

It's positive that the teacher is investigating tomorrow. Hopefully the truth will come to light and your son will get an apology and more understanding next time there's an incident. What outcome would you hope for?

Poppyputthekettleon · 11/04/2019 19:50

Cross post with @Tulipvase but I've also witnessed it in nursery

OrchidInTheSun · 11/04/2019 19:51

Bead up a nose sounds a very unlikely thing for another child to do. Seems lmost likely that the child put a bead up their own nose

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 11/04/2019 19:53

I’d wait until the teacher has investigated. I appreciate the first couple of posters many get have a point, but I think it’s just as likely he’s been scapegoated for something he didn’t do.

slipperywhensparticus · 11/04/2019 19:55

Seems unlikely even with older children and why did no one notice it happening? It takes some forethought and co-ordination to pin a five year old down and shove a bead up his nose and for no one to see a darn thing

GeorgiaGirl52 · 11/04/2019 19:56

Wait for an investigation. Your child could be innocent.

When I worked in a school there was a 5-year-old boy "Charles" who was very rough and rowdy. The teachers dreaded having him and the other children avoided him. One morning word was sent to the office that "Charles" had picked up a chair and hit another child in the head making him bleed. The victim went to the nurse, the para took the class to the playground and the teacher wrote up a complaint. Then the head sent for "Charles". Only he wasn't even in class at that time! He was seeing the speech therapist! The victim had piled one chair on top of another to climb up and get an out-of-reach toy on a shelf. He fell, the chair fell over on him, the teacher noticed the commotion, said "Who did this?" and all the children said "Charles"!
Result - a very embarrassed teacher who was caught out not paying nearly enough attention to what was going on in her class.
Trust your instincts and your child until the truth is verified!

nutsfornutella · 11/04/2019 19:56

I'd wait for more investigation. An NT 5 year old is definitely capable of lying about who hurt them or "embellishing " stuff. I am going to get replies saying that their child has never done that but my kids (at age 5) would tell me stories about their siblings that weren't true.

Original poster
Jamhandprints · 11/04/2019 19:57

I think really, if he didn't do it, I just don't want the other parent thinking he did.
He does push, squeeze and sometimes hit others on impulse but this seems so weird and calculated.
But I don't think there's any way to know unless the other child changes their story. :-(

OP posts:
Whatsername7 · 11/04/2019 19:57

Im a teacher. I would be concerned that a child could pin another down and push a bead up his nose without being seen by a member of staff - that is a safeguarding issue. At 5, my dd rolled up a piece of paper and stuck it up her nose. Too embarrassed to tell anyone, it stayed there all day and she kept crying because of the pain. There is a chance this boy stuck the bead up his nose and just said your son did it as he was already in trouble.

YouTheCat · 11/04/2019 19:58

That's terrible. I'm with Stringy on this. It doesn't sound like your ds would be able to put a bead up his own nose never mind anyone else's.

stayathomer · 11/04/2019 19:59

It's good you believe him OP, it's good he has you in his corner. I hope he didn't do it. Flowers

SpockPaperScissorsLizardRock · 11/04/2019 20:00

Is it possible that he didn't intend to put the bead there?

My 7 year old with ASD will swear blind he hadn't done something if he hadn't intended too (e.g. banging into someone accidently). Even if i've seen it myself i almost believe him he's so adamant. If its something he's done on purpose he is very different.

TheFairyCaravan · 11/04/2019 20:00

I'm another who has seen a child with a reputation get blamed for absolutely everything at nursery even when he wasn't there. I had one parent tell me that they knew their child and they wouldn't lie when they were reporting yet another alleged incident only the poor kid they were blaming was ill and hadn't been in for a week. It took 2 of us and the manager before she would be convinced.

I'd believe your son, OP. I don't think he's blocking anything out. And surely a child who was being held down while a bead was being forced up their nose would put up some fight and make a noise? That wouldn't go unnoticed in a classroom.

Knackeredmommy · 11/04/2019 20:00

I don't see how he could have stuck a bead up another child's nose in class without anyone noticing. Children pick up very quickly who to blame for things and the teacher really needs to do some further investigation.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 11/04/2019 20:01

because all the school mums already hate my son (understandably) Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers

That must be so hard for you. I'm so sorry (((((( )))))
(un-MN-y hug)

junebirthdaygirl · 11/04/2019 20:04

As a teacher l was thinking the same as Whatsername7 above. Who was supervising him in time out that he got an opportunity to do all that with no one seeing him?. That would take some time and some obvious activity so why wasn't this spotted?
I don't think l could actually stick a bead up someones nose. It's usually something a child does to themselves. But where is teacher while all this is happening?
And it is regular for young DC to blame
" the one" for everything. But take this very calmly with teacher in case he did do it.