To believe my 5 year old, not his teacher?

[Jamhandprints]

My 5 year old has ASD with challenging behaviour, usually triggered by routine change.
So today at pick up time the teacher called me over to say he had got his best friend in a head lock for no reason (typical of his behaviour) Then, whilst in time out he has pinned down another child and put a bead up his nose.
I was horrified about this and nearly burst into tears.
I collected my son from the deputy head and asked him, on the way home, to tell me what had happened.
He said he hurt his best friend and put a bead up X's nose.
I asked him to tell me how he had done it and he said:
"I...I don't remember doing it. Miss Y said I did but I just I definitely don't think I did."
I asked a few times in different ways and got the same response, including tears. "You don't have to say tell the truth mummy because I definitely am".
So I phoned the teacher and she said nobody had actually seen it happen but X had said it was my son. She will investigate more tomorrow.
Thinking about it, my son has terrible fine motor skills, so to pin someone down and put a bead up their nose would require a lot of skill.
So i just feel terrible because all the school mums already hate my son (understandably) and I was going to contact the mum and apologise but I think he probably is telling the truth.
He is slow to process speech and respond so probably didn't know what was going on when he was sent to the deputy.
Does it matter?

Having had a child with ASD go through school (he's at uni now and doing very well, although he still has some MH issues from years of bullying, scapegoating, pig ignorance from teachers and bigotry from other parents) my advice would be to move him to another school.

You're already dealing with parents who hate him, other children who use him as a convenient scapegoat and a teacher/SLT who are happy to let that be the status quo. This won't get better. He's only 5 - seriously think about finding a school with a better ethos and a better supportive infrastructure for SEND students. If I had my time over again (heaven forbid) I would shop around and talk to SENCOs as well as teachers and Heads before applying for a primary place. DS1 has permanent mental scars from some of his (entirely preventable) experiences, and we all have to live with that.

Oh, grrr, it's another zombie

Believe your child. I worked at a school and it can become a witch hunt with teachers/pupils with certain pupils with challenging behaviours (the finger will point at them all the time.) I left because Of it.

Z O M B I E

If no one saw him do it, then you’ll never know the truth. It’s very difficult for teachers to weigh up the truth, when there were no witnesses, but she has obviously connected your child’s previous behaviour and thought it sounded plausible. At the end of the day, no-one knows the truth - you’ll have to use your judgement to give him the benefit of the doubt or not.

He may not have used fine motor skills - imagine holding a handful of beads and shoving someone’s face in them - for example 🤷🏼‍♀️

My 6yr old ds has asd and can become violent. I found bits of dd 9 hair on the floor She told me he pulled her hair ( believable) Long story short he didn't she decided to cut some hair off and blame her brother.

Quick note to say that I can’t believe these other mums hate your son and if they do then I’m really sorry. There is a severely autistic boy in my son’s class who can be quite violent and we are all very clear that he and his parents are valid and loved members of our community. If your son was in our class I would try and befriend you, I promise! Sending hugs xx

I don’t think they should hate the child but they should be very frustrated with the school who aren’t handling the child correctly. They’re not keeping the other kids safe if this child manages to ‘hit out’ at them when he’s frustrated. They’re not meeting the needs of any of the kids - not the ones being hurt and not the one doing the hurting. It sounds like they need to seriously think about what they’re doing and how they’re supporting this child and keeping all the other children safe.

This. How could a five year old pin another child down AND stick up a bead up their nose? Pretty sure I couldn't do that on my own. At five, you can’t do their fucking shoes up if they don't feel like it! He’s admitted the other thing, so why lie about this one?

Believe him anyway (at least to his face) He needs you. Also, you aren’t believing him over his teacher, but over another five year old, and that’s very different.

If noone saw it happen, id say to the teacher that your son is adament he didnt do this, and the way hes saying it makes you feel that there must be a misunderstanding and since there were no witnesses then probably best to give this one the benefit of the doubt. Id also say to the teacher that youve been sensing a lot of hostility from other school mums, so you were hoping they could keep an eye on this, because at 5, kids do stupid things for bizarre reasons at the best of times, but also 5 year olds do tell tales and try and get other children in trouble, especially if they are getting positive feedback from adults every time they tell on someone. Obviously its important that they protect other children if your son gets overwhelmed and too rough, but also your son needs protection from false accusations. Ask if they think he needs more supervision at breaktimes.

Your son has a right to be there. Dont forget that. Other school mums can sometimes be very PFB, and schools can sometimes try and pass their lack of supervision onto the parent, as if you can do much about it when they are in loco parentis at that time.

From what you’ve said I don’t believe your son did that. I think the kid did it themselves and blamed your son

Yes, I agree that it’s highly likely that the other child did it himself . I’ve seen this kind of blaming going on in both my DSs classes when they were that age.

This thread began in April 2019.

This thread is from 2019!!

It definitely needs more investigating if no one saw it happen

oh fgs :/

I really want to know what happened in the end now though

I would be inclined to believe him and tell him you believe him then focus on the other behaviours. When someone has a pattern of behaviour they often get the blame for stuff they didn’t do too so try to create an environment where ds can be totally honest with you so you know how to support him (rather than discipline).

Even if he didn’t do the bead, he did put another child i. A headlock and you seem to think that’s ok because it’s typical???

Child is now 8 and in Year 3? I suspect they've moved on from headlocks and beads up noses by now

My ASD DS was always getting into trouble at school. The first time you get called in by the teacher to discuss it, you get all flustered and apologetic - but after a few times you start asking 'what were you or the TA doing?' and 'how was that possible?' and another great favourite of mine, 'you always say that he doesn't need 1-1 supervision but isn't it about time he did?'.
It's one thing to acknowledge their behaviour isn't what it should be but we shouldn't forget that the school is supposed to safeguard ALL it's pupils.
Also, don't get into personal apologies with the parents if you can help it. The incident happened at school so it's up to them to deal with it.
Also agree with pp's that it's unlikely that he would have stuck a bead up the other kids nose as well as hold him down.

FFS, zombie thread. Why do people do this???

As a 6yr old (I'm now 53) I remember a neighbour bringing her DD round, the child had blood dripping from a bite wound on her arm and said I'd done it.
My father instantly slapped me so hard I fell to the floor where he continued reigning blows on me, stopping only to ask the other mother if he'd done enough or should carry on.
They then agreed that the girl could "bite me back" which she did. Until she broke the skin.
Throughout it all I protested my innocence and the girl later admitted that she'd bitten herself.

Given that, I'd probably believe your son.

Hello Everyone. This thread is from 2019. Let this be the last post on this thread as your comments will no longer be relevant to OP. Thank you.