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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think there is something more sinister in his behavior?

76 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 25/03/2019 23:15

My DSS stayed this weekend and I can’t get his strange behavior out of my mind.

He is almost 14 and spent most of the weekend playing with his little brothers very loud toy piano - it’s a toy for a 1 year old. I mentioned that his sister dislikes the noise of it which seemed to prompt him wanting to play with it. He woke the baby from the noise and I had to hide it late Saturday night as he ignored all my requests to stop or lower it down. He wasn’t playing a tune just making as much noise as he could. DH wasn’t home on Saturday night - I usually leave all discipline to him as DSS does not like to be told what to do.

The piano is irritating but it’s leaving his shit in the loo that’s worrying me. He does it all the time now - forgets or doesn’t flush on purpose? Yesterday I refused to clean the loo after him & asked him if he had done it. (Usually I just clean it & had previously assumed it was a mistake) he denied all knowledge so convincingly that I went to ask DH. DSS caught me before I got to him & said ‘okay yeah it’s mine, I’ll go sort it’

Why is he leaving his shit for me Confused is it a way of saying he doesn’t like or respect me? Or am I reading too much into it?

OP posts:
Samind · 25/03/2019 23:19

That's a bit ridiculous at his age. He knows full well to sort it. The fact you were interrupted going to DH shows he knows what he's doing.

I know you leave discipline to DH but firmly state not to annoy/upset babies. Different if it's unintentional but not if it's deliberate.

Having said all that, it sounds like he's wanting attention. How much interaction does he have with all in the house?

EffYouSeeKaye · 25/03/2019 23:21

What’s your relationship like otherwise? Also, he’s probably not daft and has clocked that you leave the discipline to his dad and is pushing boundaries as a result. Just tell him what behaviour you expect and then follow up with a consequence if he decides to see if you mean it.

wowfudge · 25/03/2019 23:22

I think that's exactly what it's about. His dad spends more time with you. He's also possibly jealous of your children being part of a family unit where mum and dad are together. It's not that strange when you think about it.

Cranky17 · 25/03/2019 23:23

What does he do when he’s round yours? Do he have things that interest him?

CheekyChappy710 · 25/03/2019 23:26

Sounds like a typical stinky teenage boy. Playing up and testing boundaries.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 25/03/2019 23:28

How can you say that that behaviour is typical?

It's clearly a power play. It's not on, his dad needs to deal with it.

Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 25/03/2019 23:32

He has his PlayStation and laptop for playing Fortnite on when we are busy with the little kids. This weekend his cousin, his age, stayed too so he had some company - the piano was annoying her & I heard her asking him to stop.

Usually we do a lot of family stuff like watch movies, cook, days out in the park etc but not as much this weekend as I had the 2 little ones myself as DH was out.

I thought that he liked me as he previously asked to live with us full time and definitely loves his little brother and sister. He is very jealous - we talk about it so I hoped it wouldn’t be something that he’s secretly hurting from.

DH is a strict dad - I didn’t tell him about his bad behaviors or the little presents he’s been leaving me in the loo but maybe I should?

OP posts:
Dottierichardson · 25/03/2019 23:41

It could be deliberate but sometimes boys (and even girls) just don't think about these things.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 25/03/2019 23:45

Would he have pissed about with the piano if his dad was there?
If the answer is know then you know he is doing it for attention and/or to piss you off.

If he leaves his shit in the loo again then tell his dad.
Why was your DH out if his son was there?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 25/03/2019 23:54

You can’t have him while your DH isn’t there. I’d tell DH that.

You cannot have a child, esp teenager, that won’t take any authority from you on your own, if you have other kids too. Take it from me, I’ve been there! It’s a horrible situation and can end up with low level bullying. You’ve a duty of care to your kids, and unless DH sorts out his son, and you are accepted and respected this is a doomed scenario that will be affecting the wellbeing of you and your kids.

WatcherintheRye · 26/03/2019 00:00

Why did you use the word 'sinister' in your op? Just wondering, as it's quite a loaded word!

Absolutepowercorrupts · 26/03/2019 00:11

Him leaving his shit in the toilet for you to deal with is a way of exerting control. He knows his father will lie about it. And you will clean it up. So that's what he thinks of you.

HollowTalk · 26/03/2019 00:13

Don't keep any secrets from your husband. You are making yourself even more of a target if you do.

PregnantSea · 26/03/2019 00:22

Agree with others saying that your DH has to be there when DSS is there. Make sure DH knows about this behaviour

Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 26/03/2019 07:17

DH is usually here on access days. This weekend DSS said on Saturday morning that his DM would not be home so needed to stay with us. DH already had concert tickets. DH offered to let DSS stay in his parents as I would be busy with the little ones. I said to let DSS choose as it’s his home.
DSS does not take kindly to anyone telling him what he can and can’t do - therefore DH is very strict and sticks to discipline. I cave when he gets into a mood but the piano had to be taken as he was waking the babies.

I just used sinister to be dramatic!

OP posts:
NoTNoShade · 26/03/2019 07:24

I just used sinister to be dramatic😂 Brilliant.

He needs more going on at the weekends than playing a babies pretend piano but it sounds like you didn’t know he was coming.

Can he get the bus or walk to where his school friends are? Does he do anything activity wise at the weekends,

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 26/03/2019 07:26

he just sounds bored and attention seeking. can you get him to cook for you all? or something mature?

flyings0l0 · 26/03/2019 07:27

This weekend DSS said on Saturday morning that his DM would not be home so needed to stay with us.

Just double checking - does he have SN? surely a 14 year old could look after himself for a day let alone a Saturday morning.

TixieLix · 26/03/2019 07:39

You've already said that DSS is a jealous kid. Although I'm sure he loves his half siblings, he probably sees you and them as taking his dad's attention (and money?) away. As dad is the disciplinarian and you tend to cave, he sees you as the target to assert some control over.

I'd be having a calm but frank conversation with DSS that his behaviour is lacking and that if he continues to leave the toilet I flushed or making excessive noise once he's been asked not to, then you will be informing his father and allowing him to deal with it appropriately. He's challenging you OP and you need to step up and show that you are in charge in your house.

As an aside, does DM often leave him alone at very short notice without discussing it in advance with her ex (your DH)? It's odd that DSS would be the one to announce on the day that his DM would not be around and he needed to stay with you on a non-access day. I feel there's more going on here with the mother leaving her son and him asking to live with you full time.

LadiesFinishFights · 26/03/2019 07:42

My 14 and 12 year old sons leave shit in the loo constantly.

It's not a fuck you in their case. They are just genuinely forgetful little grot bags. I'm sick of shouting 'flush please'

Springwalk · 26/03/2019 07:45

From now on dh is around when his children are visiting or they don’t come (or go elsewhere) I don’t think he forgot to flush nor do I think the piano bashing was for enjoyment both were designed to upset you.

Easily fixed. Dh looks after his own dc from now on regardless of the circumstance. I wouldn’t rush to tell dh about his toilet habits, but I would ask dh to deal with it if it happens again.

Supersimpkin · 26/03/2019 07:51

Don't clean the shit up. Netflix and teen cartoons on tap.

cantbearsed1 · 26/03/2019 07:53

He sounds angry to me.
I think he needs some love bombing from his dad. He needs to know how loved and special he is. He has a lot to deal with and I can understand why he is angry.

chocatoo · 26/03/2019 07:54

Horrified by the fact that it seems to be normal behaviour for teens not to flush. I can assure you that it is not normal in this house!

Northernparent68 · 26/03/2019 07:59

I think cantbearsed is right, look at it from his position, his parents divorce, his father is busy with a new family and is forever telling him off, his mother leaves him for the day at short notice, and he’s expected to behave perfectly.