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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is something more sinister in his behavior?

76 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 25/03/2019 23:15

My DSS stayed this weekend and I can’t get his strange behavior out of my mind.

He is almost 14 and spent most of the weekend playing with his little brothers very loud toy piano - it’s a toy for a 1 year old. I mentioned that his sister dislikes the noise of it which seemed to prompt him wanting to play with it. He woke the baby from the noise and I had to hide it late Saturday night as he ignored all my requests to stop or lower it down. He wasn’t playing a tune just making as much noise as he could. DH wasn’t home on Saturday night - I usually leave all discipline to him as DSS does not like to be told what to do.

The piano is irritating but it’s leaving his shit in the loo that’s worrying me. He does it all the time now - forgets or doesn’t flush on purpose? Yesterday I refused to clean the loo after him & asked him if he had done it. (Usually I just clean it & had previously assumed it was a mistake) he denied all knowledge so convincingly that I went to ask DH. DSS caught me before I got to him & said ‘okay yeah it’s mine, I’ll go sort it’

Why is he leaving his shit for me Confused is it a way of saying he doesn’t like or respect me? Or am I reading too much into it?

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 26/03/2019 08:01

My teen has reverted to not always flushing too. Too busy watching Netflix and in a total daze most of the time. Not ideal but could be far worse. Just a phase.

GetStrongKeepFighting · 26/03/2019 08:02

Nor mine, chocatoo!

SconesandTea · 26/03/2019 08:05

Can you come at it from a house rules perspective- these are your house rules. I agree - why was he being ignored?

pandarific · 26/03/2019 08:09

Agree with @cantbearsed1 and @Northernparent68, he's jealous and angry and only 14 - he sounds like he's desperate to be someone's number one. Much like a toddler when there's a new baby. I think some love bombing by his dad - and you actually assuming you see him as your son too - would work wonders. If both of you separately set aside a day just to be with him, doing whatever he'd like to do, but most importantly showing him he is important and loved, not just saying the words, I think that would help.

Being 14 is awful in itself; I'm sure it's worse feeling like a spare part.

pandarific · 26/03/2019 08:12

Just to clarify you sound like you care and are not intentionally leaving him out, that's not what I mean. Just it sounds busy over there and that doing these stupid things he's after attention, and negative attention is better than none at all. So some one to one would be beneficial.

Flaverings · 26/03/2019 08:16

DH is a strict dad - I didn’t tell him about his bad behaviors or the little presents he’s been leaving me in the loo but maybe I should?

I'm not too sure what you mean by this.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2019 08:19

Does he have special needs? Honestly his behaviour does not sound that bad, just keep reminding him to flush the toilet. His dad needs to spend more time with him, sounds quite normal to me.

cantbearsed1 · 26/03/2019 08:23

It's not that his behaviour is that bad, but recognising how he is feeling and his dad responding to it by showing him how special he is to him, could make a world of difference.

Goldmandra · 26/03/2019 08:23

This may just be boundary testing.

It is unsettling for children not to know who is in charge. That's why those whose parents have less consistent boundaries push them all the time.

He needs to know where he stands when he's in just your care. If you handle this right, you could make it easier for both of you in the long run.

If he doesn't flush the loo, ask him to go back and do it every time. Be calm and reasonable but also clear and consistent.

If he behaves disruptively, take away whatever tool he's using and explain that it is a natural consequence, i.e. "OK. I'm going to take the piano away now because you are making too much noise and it's irritating everyone." Try to avoid sanctions where possible.

Discuss the boundaries with your DH and be very careful to stick to what you've agreed. If your DH feels the need to overrule or undermine you at any point, you're sunk.

Once your DSS knows where he stands, knows that you will be fair and consistent and knows that his importance in the family isn't reliant on the presence of his father, things should settle down.

brizzlemint · 26/03/2019 08:28

Send him back every single time to flush it. He's 14, he's probably just forgetting to do it.

labazsisgoingmad · 26/03/2019 08:28

perhaps he wanted one to one with his dad and was missing him

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 26/03/2019 08:34

A lot of males seem to do the shit thing. Especially in public, fuck knows why but many times I have gone into a loo after a bloke, he smirks on the way out and then I find a giant turd just..there Hmm

I would also tell DH that if hes not there, the kid can't come. Sounds harsh, but he seems in an awkward phase, ans the other kids may pick up on his behaviour and start doing it themselves..my daughter (6) has recently started copying DSDs (14) tantrums, fake American accent and all. So annoying.

HappilyHarridan · 26/03/2019 08:39

What did you say when he asked to live with you?

NabooThatsWho · 26/03/2019 08:40

How much quality time does he get to spend with his dad?

Ellenborough · 26/03/2019 08:40

Why is he leaving his shit for me confused is it a way of saying he doesn’t like or respect me? Or am I reading too much into it?

Young teenaged boys can be notoriously forgetful with things like this, especially if they have ADHD or similar. If they are shamed / nagged often enough they usually grow out of it.

Although I have sneaky suspicion that there is more to this and he is trying to signal that he feels insecure or angry about something. He may even be doing these things subconsciously without realising why he's doing them (although that would be more like a 4 year old than a 14 year old) but itdoes sound like the sort of attention seeking regressive behaviour you get from young children when a new baby (or a stepmother and half sibling) arrives on the scene.

SapatSea · 26/03/2019 08:42

TheGoalls my twins did the fale American accent on and off for a few years. What is that about?

OP I agree with others who say your DSS needs a bit of understanding and some love bombing, especially from his father. It doesn't matter who was to balme for the divorce etc from your DSS's POV but he has been left behind. It's a tough situation, he loves his new siblings but at the same time probably hates that his family unit broke up. He needs to be shown how much he is loved by your DH

Weightsandmeasures · 26/03/2019 08:45

Maybe he is bored. The weekend activities does not sound like they are engaging enough for a 14 year old. For little kids, yes but 14?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 26/03/2019 08:45

I think you've made your point about the shitting thing. If he carries on, one more warning/reminder then mention it to his Dad, but I think you've made your point.

As for the piano thing, that does sound strange. Attention seeking maybe? Perhaps he feels left out and is trying to act younger to get some of the attention he feels his siblings are getting?

Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 26/03/2019 09:04

He does not have any special needs, he is an intelligent young man who likes a lot of attention. I talk to him about school, home life etc more than his father would - he brings him fishing and does activities with him but I don’t know if they chat too much.

His DM is single and dating again, she wanted the apartment to herself for a Saturday night. This weekend was not planned to entertain DSS which resulted in his boredom.

When he asked to live with us full time we went to court for full custody (currently 50/50) the judge let him decide & he chose to stay with his DM. I honestly don’t think he wanted to leave his DM, I think he wanted to reassure himself that we would let him live here. Complete waste of time & money but he seemed satisfied afterwards and hasn’t brought it up again.

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 26/03/2019 09:05

I'd just say he cant come over till he learns to use a toilet properly and talk to his Mum as well as your husband.
Its not for you to be sorting this out and hes doing it for attention. I'd say your husband has to take him out for the day instead until he learns how to behave properly.

It might be worth his Mum/Dad taking him to the G.P for some tests, it sounds like he might have a disability of some sort.

Goldmandra · 26/03/2019 09:11

My BIL is adopted. He and his brother grew up with different boundaries as PILs always felt the need to cut BIL slack in view of the fact he wasn't their natural child.

This caused BIL to feel less part of the family, not more. What he needed was to be treated exactly the same as his DB.

It sounds like your DSS is seeking the same reassurance that he is part of the family. He needs to know that the boundaries are the same as they would be if he were your DS.

As I said upthread. Discuss boundaries with your DH then use them calmly and consistently, alongside natural consequences, to manage his behaviour as if he were your own child.

At least this will be a cheaper way to reassure him than a custody battle Smile

Serialweightwatcher · 26/03/2019 09:12

My very nearly 16 year old won't flush the loo either and it drives me mad Hmm ... most things he does lately are to annoy though - he seems to just like to argue about anything for the sake of it

Goldmandra · 26/03/2019 09:13

I'd just say he cant come over till he learns to use a toilet properly

This is exactly why he is pushing the boundaries. He needs to find out that you will never do it to him.

It's important for him to see that he can't make you reject him by behaving badly. He is looking for reassurance. Rejection will make everything 100 times worse.

swingofthings · 26/03/2019 09:20

The flushing/cleaning toilet bowl issue is not unusual. It means that they rush to go and see it as an inconvenience whilst their mind is very active focusing on the next move on their xbox. They don't flush because they are in their mind already out of the door before they even finished. They don't clean because they wouldn't consider taking the time to look into the bowl to see what's in it. It's not personal in any way. Way to tackle it is to tell them to slow down, not leave going until the last minute and get them in a routine to look.

The noise making is a typical sign of being bored. Having someone else their age doesn't mean they are not bored, at that age, unless they are close/share things in common, they might as well be different species pu next to each other. Boredom is a big part of bein a teenager. It doesn't mean they have to becoppuoied all the time, it's just the way it is because their array of interests is very limited. Again, it's not personal. Taking the toy away is the right thing to do. You can then make some suggestions of how they can keep busy but when it's the evening, you can't be expected to be a babysitter entertainer.

Don't worry aboit it. Just pick him up on things nicely, without judgement and just try to encourage communication...at time he is likely morexwilling to engage!

Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 26/03/2019 09:21

Omg serialweightwatcher he loves to argue/debate about everything! I thought it was because he likes the sound of his own voice but he will disagree with everyone. He’s not aggressive, but loves to be listened to. His teachers have all mentioned that he will only engage in class if he’s standing up and speaking so everyone has to listen - I think he will go into politics Hmm

I’m very distracted with the younger two - baby is very young and toddler is severely disabled.

I will sit down with DH to plan where we can make more time for DSS and discuss if DH is comfortable with me disciplining DSS. After so many years I don’t want to make him feel like we don’t want him around or enjoy his company. But he can’t behave like that again - it was beyond odd. I’ve enough shitty nappies to be dealing with without adding his into my day!

OP posts: