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Original poster

To think there is something more sinister in his behavior?

76 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 25/03/2019 23:15

My DSS stayed this weekend and I can’t get his strange behavior out of my mind.

He is almost 14 and spent most of the weekend playing with his little brothers very loud toy piano - it’s a toy for a 1 year old. I mentioned that his sister dislikes the noise of it which seemed to prompt him wanting to play with it. He woke the baby from the noise and I had to hide it late Saturday night as he ignored all my requests to stop or lower it down. He wasn’t playing a tune just making as much noise as he could. DH wasn’t home on Saturday night - I usually leave all discipline to him as DSS does not like to be told what to do.

The piano is irritating but it’s leaving his shit in the loo that’s worrying me. He does it all the time now - forgets or doesn’t flush on purpose? Yesterday I refused to clean the loo after him & asked him if he had done it. (Usually I just clean it & had previously assumed it was a mistake) he denied all knowledge so convincingly that I went to ask DH. DSS caught me before I got to him & said ‘okay yeah it’s mine, I’ll go sort it’

Why is he leaving his shit for me Confused is it a way of saying he doesn’t like or respect me? Or am I reading too much into it?

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 26/03/2019 09:22

I'm going to disagree and say I think his behaviours are deliberate, OP stated he doesn't like to be told what to do, he sounds manipulative and selfish; everything's about him; the toilet thing - can women please stop making excuses for their sons poor behaviour it's disgusting, why is it ok to say 'oh forgetful teenage boy'? stop letting them away with it, I've brought up and still am 4 teenagers and never have I excused rude behaviour, teach them manners and stop picking up after them.

fattylawmaker · 26/03/2019 09:22

I am actually gobsmacked that people are suggesting that OP bans her DSS from coming into his own home unless his DF is present because HE DIDNT FLUSH THE TOILET Shock

trulybadlydeeply · 26/03/2019 09:24

He does sound like he is seeking attention, particularly if his DM is trying to palm him off on others in order to date. However I would find it a little odd that, from what you've said, he isn't able to occupy himself and gets easily bored. Does he have any activities at the weekend? Does he do any sports? Do you live close to his DM, and, if so, why isn't he making arrangements to see friends etc?

It sounds like you make him very welcome in your home, but he should be able to occupy himself for good chunks of time, or just slip into the family routine and help out with his siblings.

Raspberry10 · 26/03/2019 09:26

I spend my life shouting at my teenage daughter to flush the loo, I have no idea why she doesn’t do it, she’s such a clean, tidy girl with everything else, her bedrom is immaculate. It utterly drives me up the wall, so I wouldn’t read too much into that one.

The piano thing is just plain weird and does sound very much like he was doing it to piss you off. Was he annoyed his Dad wasn’t there?

FullOfJellyBeans · 26/03/2019 09:27

NO DSS can't be banned from coming into his own home that's ridiculous and will only displace his bad behaviour and issues elsewhere. I hate this attitude to step kids that they're not really part of the family and time with their father is just a bonus that can be taken away when it's inconvenient.

I actually do think it probably is deliberate behaviour. You should definitely discuss it with DH. The problem is stopping the behaviour (with threats and punishments etc) doesn't resolve whatever is causing the behaviour and I would be very worried about what those issues are. Why is he behaving spitefully? Is it just hostility? Is it something worse?

I would want to know if this behaviour is limited to his time in OP's house (which would be bad enough) or is he displaying worrying behaviour elsewhere?

Sunonthepatio · 26/03/2019 09:28

Possibly attention seeking, poor kid. Hard for children in this situation. I think it's unreasonable for you to be expected to look after him if you are unable to tell him off.

Walkaround · 26/03/2019 09:32

Well, if my mother turfed me out of my home when I was 13 so that she could have her boyfriend round in peace, I think I'd be acting up, too. It must be pretty confusing to have so much inconsistency in your life - an overly strict dad, a step-mum who won't set boundaries, a mum who thinks you are cramping her style, the knowledge that you can be told you have to stay elsewhere for a night or two to suit the resident parent and stay with other family where you have already been told you will be an inconvenience. It's not really surprising if he's feeling a bit angry and wanting to make his presence felt. I wonder how much adults would appreciate being turfed out of their own homes at a moment's notice.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/03/2019 09:33

Eh, truly? Palm off? So DM shouldn’t have social lufe till her DS has moved out? Would it be better she had her date over if her DS was at home? Confused

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/03/2019 09:34

He was kicked out of home, he went to his father’s Hmm

NabooThatsWho · 26/03/2019 09:37

You wouldn’t kick your own child out for not flushing the toilet, so don’t do it to DSS.

Again, how much quality time does he spend with his dad?

Feelsdeadpeople · 26/03/2019 09:37

It’s kinda obviously an attention thing, isn’t it? He has 2 younger siblings, a baby & a toddler that needs extra care taking over. So he does baby things to get the same amount of attention - bashing a piano, letting you clean up his shit.

It probably wouldn’t have happened if your DH was there, but more because he’d be getting attention, not because he’s scared of your DH.

Walkaround · 26/03/2019 09:40

Why are children living at home and a social life incompatible?

ihatethecold · 26/03/2019 09:42

From a Freudian point of view The toilet issue is about asserting control.
When children go through the Psycho-sexual stages of life, The Anal stage is about potty training and going to to toilet (so usually around 2-3 years old). If they had issues with this (doing it in their pants once potty trained, holding on to their bowel movements etc) this can show up later as control issues. have a read of it op, its fascinating.
www.verywellmind.com/freuds-stages-of-psychosexual-development-2795962

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 26/03/2019 09:50

TheGoalls my twins did the fale American accent on and off for a few years. What is that about?

Absolutely no idea. I just appeared one day, I assume its came from the crap she watches on youtube as she is obsessed with the American youtubers.

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 26/03/2019 09:52

I hate this attitude to step kids that they're not really part of the family and time with their father is just a bonus that can be taken away when it's inconvenient.

Erm yeah, I didn't mean ban him from coming to the house completely, however if he is acting up when his dad is not there, his dad should be there when the child is! He comes over presumably to spend time with dad, then dads not there..which seems a bit shit tbh.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/03/2019 10:03

I'm going to disagree and say I think his behaviours are deliberate, OP stated he doesn't like to be told what to do, he sounds manipulative and selfish; everything's about him; the toilet thing - can women please stop making excuses for their sons poor behaviour it's disgusting, why is it ok to say 'oh forgetful teenage boy'? stop letting them away with it, I've brought up and still am 4 teenagers and never have I excused rude behaviour, teach them manners and stop picking up after them.

I agree with this. It strikes me as deliberate.

He's angry and resentful about something (possibly his mother's new boyfriend - but that's no-one's business except her own) and he's taking it out on you.

You claim that he loves his siblings - yet he deliberately went out of his way to continue with a spiteful behaviour that woke them up, after you had explained why you wanted him to stop - it was behaviour that he couldn't possibly have been getting any satisfaction from other than to pee you off! (I mean - a child's toy piano!)

I would put aa huge sign on the inside of the bathroom door "Have you remembered to flush the loo?" and also ask him wen he comes downstairs after the toilet if you are there at the time.

If he won't treat you with respect, then embarrass him into doing it.

You sound a very considerate step-mother - but he's taking advantage and trying to provoke a reaction. Perhaps he is once more wanting you to prove how welcome he is - but things like this are just disgusting and you have young children to consider too. He can't just get away with it.

AuntieCJ · 26/03/2019 10:13

I agree as well.

Put your foot down, OP. If he doesn't behave refuse to have him unless your DH is there. His mother can go fish for her date nights. Cheeky fucker.

His behaviour isn't "normal teen behaviour" thousands of teens don't do this sort of thing, neither of my 2 did.

ineedaknittedhat · 26/03/2019 10:21

A cat who is feeling dominant will leave their crap uncovered in order to assert their position within the household, so that's what the unflushed crap thing is.

The noise is also a way of disrupting the household and making his presence felt.

This could turn into toxic masculinity. Try to get your dh to give him some one to one bonding time, be assertive in terms of discipline and get him into army or air cadets to instill some positive masculine roles into him.

Serialweightwatcher · 26/03/2019 10:52

Likepebblesonthebeach - this has only been going on for the past few months - he's dyslexic and is struggling badly at the moment due to exams being imminent - every time I open my mouth, he has to put me right or criticise or just tell me to shut up - we've had lots of stress at the moment from one thing or another and I think that's making his teenage attitude worse - I doubt very much your DSS has anything other than usual teenage hormones with some emotional problems mixed in ... I'm sure with a bit more attention on him and someone to try to listen, things will work out so don't worry Flowers

GabsAlot · 26/03/2019 11:10

can u imagine being told u cant stay at home i have a man coming round-i think hes lonely

not saying he sholdnt be displned but i think his dm is wrong in what shes done

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 26/03/2019 11:34

This has actually made me really sad. He's a young boy who needs security and to feel safe. His parents divorce was probably hard on him and he could be feeling displaced and maybe unloved.

However, you need to be able to discipline him. He may be feeling that he's treated differently to your DC and if you're not disciplining him then he's right.

Could you sit down and talk to him? Ask him how he is and explain his behaviour in a calm way? Let him see he's an important member of the family and that involves behaving in the right way.

cantbearsed1 · 26/03/2019 16:05

He is I think angry and needs more input. But 14 years old is not a young boy.

choli · 26/03/2019 16:48

Do you have more than one bathroom? If so, next time he does it do not flush it, do not clean it. Immediately on your husband's return show it to him and tell him to deal with it.

I suspect that will put an end to it.

Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 26/03/2019 19:05

I spoke to DH about it, he has a totally different view on DSS’s behavior. DH offered that DSS was trying to impress me with his keyboard skills as he has recently joined music class Confused I’m not buying that one. DH produces music & there is an ADULT keyboard with headphones if he wanted to play actual music in his den.

OP posts:
choli · 26/03/2019 21:17

What did your husband say about the toilet situation?

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