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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF ex GF went as his plus one to a wedding.

85 replies

ToKnowAnything · 08/02/2019 01:26

I've just found out and i'm in shock.

By this point we had been seeing each other for around 3 months and he had been finished with his GF two months before we started seeing each other. This was the wedding of his cousin as he doesn't even see her on a yearly bases.

Maybe she did get an invite before the wedding but surely she shouldn't of attended?

I've only found out about this 8 months after the wedding as I was late night FB stalking someone completely irrelevant. From the FB photos she's in the family photos + sitting next to him at dinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToKnowAnything · 08/02/2019 01:27

BTW i've NC as he knows i'm on mums net and I don't want him reading my other posts.

OP posts:
MRex · 08/02/2019 01:28

You'll need to ask him why. Tell him you spotted a photo, maybe leave out the irrelevant stalking bit.

MidniteScribbler · 08/02/2019 01:53

Maybe she is close to his family? Maybe the invitation was extended before they broke up? Maybe he just wanted to go with someone who knows the difference between "shouldn't of" and "shouldn't have"?

In any case, the only person who can give you an answer is him.

everydaymum · 08/02/2019 01:56

Do you know for sure she was his plus one, maybe she was there as a guest in her own right?

SleepWarrior · 08/02/2019 02:02

Definitely happened after they had separated and while you were together, and was kept hushed so you didn't find out??? If yes to all of those then I'd say it was a deal-breaker.

I can think of circumstances involving (for example) ageing relatives where you might want to pretend you hadn't split so as not to upset them, and therefore take an ex as a plus one. But keeping a secret from current partner is categorically unacceptable.

Sorry you found out through bloody fb Flowers

JingsMahBucket · 08/02/2019 02:06

@ToKnowAnything so how long have you been together? You've been together for about 11 months, I'm calculating correctly?

AdoreTheBeach · 08/02/2019 02:07

Ouch midnite (but I get a little irritated myself when I read the of/have error).

OP - you’ll need to know more information. If ex GF had her own invitation or bride/groom very much wanted her there, then accept that. If BF took Ex GF as plus one and no relationship beteeen Ex GF and bride/groom, then of course YANBU.

By the way, people can still be close even if they don’t see each other often in person.

budgetneeded · 08/02/2019 02:24

at my wedding my female cousin was shocked to see that her ex boyfriend was at the wedding. she thought that he had been invited as her partner as the break up was recent.
imagine the silly grin on her face when it became apparent that her ex was my husbands cousin and was there with his side of the family.

SpareASquare · 08/02/2019 02:53

What did he say when you asked him about it?

LaBelleSauvage · 08/02/2019 03:01

@MidniteScribbler
Laughed quite a lot at that
Sorry OP! Grin

kateandme · 08/02/2019 03:55

I don't think I could ever post on here.my grammar is shocking!id be slaughtered.

Poppyisa · 08/02/2019 04:42

Please get more information before you come to any kind of conclusion. Good luck!

MerdedeBrexit · 08/02/2019 05:08

Ironic though, that MidniteScribbler can't spell her own first name correctly whilst criticising the OP's grammar.

habibihabibi · 08/02/2019 05:09

My now husband travelled long haul to attend a wedding of a mutal friend with his ex at the beginning of our relationship.
I think the lines are blurred a bit when relationships start and end close together.
As long as you feel secure now, I wouldn't dwell on it.
It's not like it was last weekend and there's pictures of her on his lap.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2019 05:38

I agree with habibi about blurred lines and not to dwell on this if you are feeling secure in the relationship. It’s the hiding of the situation I’d be upset about. Perhaps have a chat about it and say you’re disappointed he didn’t trust you enough to tell you either st the time or since. Chances are if you’re happy together he was too nervous at the time and forgot about it since as it was irrelevant to him. My dh would definitely does not remember a lot of details about the past including things, which are burned in my brain.

FlagFish · 08/02/2019 06:10

But Mummy, this wasn’t a ‘past detail’ when it happened! The bf had been seeing the OP for about three months, he went to a wedding and didn’t tell her that his ex came too!

Even if she had an invite in her own right (unlikely), the bf should definitely have said something about it. I’d be gutted OP.

Original poster
ToKnowAnything · 08/02/2019 06:24

Thanks all for the replies.

I really didn't get much sleep last night and kept waking up to read replies or think things over.

From the pictures she's definitely representing as his plus one as she's next to him in every photo where seated. Surely if she was invited in her own right they bride would have moved her onto a different table. I just find it weird that she went, and that she thought her invite still stood.

We've been having relationship problems since the beginning as I never felt part of his life and this is the nail on the coffin that it's not all in my head.

OP posts:
Sierra259 · 08/02/2019 06:30

From your update I would cut your losses and move on. Relationships should not have "problems from the beginning" – it should be the opposite! It doesn't sound like you feel very secure in how he feels about you and surely you don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he's that into you?

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2019 06:32

It sounds as if this is the least of your problems. From your update I’d then be wondering if he actually wanted to still be with her and continuing with the plus one arrangement gave him the opportunity to to work on her and at the very least be with her for one last evening. I think you’re right to call it a day.

Flagfish
I totally agree it wasn’t past. I’m trying to say that how he may have categorised it. But from what op has posted, it’s not this at all. Sad

MRex · 08/02/2019 06:33

Are you sure of the date of the wedding, that the photos you saw weren't loaded up 3/4 months after the wedding?

If you felt pushed back for nearly a year then that's a bad sign in its own right. How long was he with his ex and why did they split up?

RhiWrites · 08/02/2019 06:42

Maybe they are friends? I’m still friends with my ex. I can imagine going as his +1 to a wedding.

I really don’t see the issue here, unless there’s a big back story. Does he otherwise see her? Are they in the same social group? Is it because he didn’t invite you? It seems less pressure to invite a friendly ex than a new GF. But maybe you’re worrried he's still in love with her?

LL83 · 08/02/2019 06:49

@midnitescribbler good point, I am in awe of your superior grammar skills and what it adds to the discussion Hmm

Zebra31 · 08/02/2019 07:03

Sorry Op but sounds like they were still together. After 3 months I would expect you to be his +1. If she was invited in her own right then I would have expected him to tell you. Why hide it from you? Why were you late night FB stalking? That sounds a little off too
Op?

Holidayshopping · 08/02/2019 07:06

If you’ve been having relationship problems since you met then it’s really time to call it a day.

Ginghampanther · 08/02/2019 07:18

What do you mean when you say you don’t feel like part of his life? Have you met his family and friends etc, as his girlfriend?

I’ve been in a similar situation which is why I ask, and it turned out my boyfriend who I was living with was keeping my existence a secret. In fact I think I was probably his OW without knowing it.

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