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Original poster

BF ex GF went as his plus one to a wedding.

85 replies

ToKnowAnything · 08/02/2019 01:26

I've just found out and i'm in shock.

By this point we had been seeing each other for around 3 months and he had been finished with his GF two months before we started seeing each other. This was the wedding of his cousin as he doesn't even see her on a yearly bases.

Maybe she did get an invite before the wedding but surely she shouldn't of attended?

I've only found out about this 8 months after the wedding as I was late night FB stalking someone completely irrelevant. From the FB photos she's in the family photos + sitting next to him at dinner.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 08/02/2019 09:22

It's not about her going - all of the 'they might just be friends', 'they might have wanted to avoid upsetting the bride', 'maybe they were invited separately' is fine - it's ALL about him not mentioning it to his new gf.

I'd be unhappy to find this out and not have been told. In fact, my now-ex told me he was going to visit an ex for dinner, about 9m into our relationship, an ex who had been a total pain, I was fine about it - but later found out he had 1) stayed the night without telling me (I asked specifically afterwards as I was suspicious of not having heard from him all night) and 2) slept in the same bed as her (again, after I knew that he'd stayed I asked and he made a million excuses as to why he had to stay and had to sleep in the same bed) - he protested that they were just friends and that I was insanely jealous and untrusting of him to even bring it up. I wish I had dumped him right then and I like to think I would not tolerate that sort of behaviour these days.

Sparklesocks · 08/02/2019 09:22

You need to talk to him about it, it’s the only way to put your mind at rest.

And ignore Midnite, you made a small error – it happens – spelling/grammar pedants are insufferable.

diddl · 08/02/2019 09:25

"- it's ALL about him not mentioning it to his new gf."

Yup!

Could he have been seeing you both for a while?

LagunaBubbles · 08/02/2019 09:28

We've been having relationship problems since the beginning

Well that's not really a good sign!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/02/2019 09:36

If you've been having problems since the beginning then you don't have a relationship, you have a chore. The first part should be the absolute best; it's what hooks you and makes you want to be with the person. If it's awful, there's nothing holding you together.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 08/02/2019 09:36

She would have received a wedding invitation along with him when they went out, before they split.After they split it would be her choice whether to go or not, she wouldn't be his +1. He could probably have told her he didn't want her to come, but it would be her right to go as she received an invitation, and he couldn't stop her.

If she was invited ‘along with him’, she is indeed his Plus One. It might not be as literal as ‘Name +1’ written on the invitation, but she’s still being invited as the cousin’s partner. In those circumstances it would be pretty bizarre to still go on the basis of ‘it’s my right and you can’t stop me’. If that’s how she behaved no wonder he ditched her.

What’s more likely is that she got on well with the family and the two split on good terms, so went together rather than waste an already booked place.

However, as the OP has concerns that this man is keeping her at arm’s length, I think she would be wise to ask herself if the ex was quite as ‘ex’ as he claimed. Was there ‘crossover’? Or is it still going on and the OP is his unwitting bit on the side?

Serialweightwatcher · 08/02/2019 09:56

Think it's bad, particularly because he never told you - years ago I left someone because he was much older but we remained good friends for a long time and spent xmas etc together just after I met someone else, but I told him and explained and there was nothing in it - if your bf decided it was best not to tell you it doesn't sound good tbh

Aeroflotgirl · 08/02/2019 11:48

Wow he doesen't sound into you at al. So he would rather go with ex, then you, he kept it from you. That is a big betrayal. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/02/2019 12:23

If she was invited ‘along with him’, she is indeed his Plus One. It might not be as literal as ‘Name +1’ written on the invitation, but she’s still being invited as the cousin’s partner. In those circumstances it would be pretty bizarre to still go on the basis of ‘it’s my right and you can’t stop me’. If that’s how she behaved no wonder he ditched her.

They were a couple when the invitations went out, so it wasn't "bloke plus partner", her name would have been on the invitation.
I doubt she thought it's her right to go no matter what. When couples split, the families don't always ditch the ex partner immediately.
My cousin and his wife split last year, and she has come to several family gatherings since, and been very welcome, we haven't all just turned our backs on her.

Missingstreetlife · 08/02/2019 12:24

Budget. Sum1 should've warned them!

BIgBagofJelly · 08/02/2019 12:39

Tha actual attending of the wedding and sitting next to each other is a non-issue. If she knew the couple and would have been invited anyway it makes sense for her to still attend and they can't help the seating plan but why didn't he mention it and why have there been problems from the beginning? Sounds like this relationship is more trouble than it's worth.

Squickety · 08/02/2019 12:54

I attended a wedding with my ex months after we'd split, when I was seeing someone else. We'd been together a really long time, the groom was family to him and the bride was a close friend of mine, there was no question of either of us not going even though it was very awkward. Because of distance / timings we also ended up travelling together despite it not being ideal for either of us as the breakup had been awful. We're both adults and we knew we just had to grin and bear it for them on their special day. We did sit together at various points in the day.

If the ex has a separate relationship with one of the couple and they're amicable I really don't see it as a big deal. I would question though the secrecy around it though, although in my personal experience I might have kept it quiet if I'd known you would react badly. My first boyfriend after I split with my ex just couldnt understand that I still needed to see / speak to him regularly as we had things to sort out and we both wanted to attempt to salvage some sort of amicable relationship out of it. Therefore I didn't used to tell him about things as I knew he'd get upset or start a row about it.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 08/02/2019 13:48

They were a couple when the invitations went out, so it wasn't "bloke plus partner", her name would have been on the invitation.
I doubt she thought it's her right to go no matter what. When couples split, the families don't always ditch the ex partner immediately.

Which is why I said:

What’s more likely is that she got on well with the family and the two split on good terms, so went together rather than waste an already booked place.

It was another poster who suggested the ex had ‘a right’ to go because her name was on the invitation. What I’m saying is that I don’t believe any reasonable person would just turn up at the wedding of an ex’s family member without clearing it with their ex, on the basis that they were named on the invitation before the split.

wafflyversatile · 08/02/2019 13:52

We've been having relationship problems since the beginning as I never felt part of his life and this is the nail on the coffin that it's not all in my head.

There you go then. You don't need anything more. You know this isn't the relationship for you.

Mmmhmmm · 08/02/2019 13:53

You deserve better then this. This much drama in less than a year? I'd give him his marching orders.

HoraceCope · 08/02/2019 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoraceCope · 08/02/2019 13:54

sorry, wrong post

hastingsmua1 · 08/02/2019 13:57

Unfortunately I think you’re the rebound relationship - meaning that he still thinks she’s ‘the one’ and he doesn’t see a long term future with you

MyOtherProfile · 08/02/2019 14:01

If you haven't met his friends and family (maybe you have but you say you don't feel part of his life) then I'd question whether he is actually still with her.

Spnelli · 28/01/2020 17:20

Hi. Same thing happened to me.
My boyfriend and I were together September 2014 and I met his friends October 2014. One of his friends told us about the wedding which was taking place next month. My boyfriend said that the invites only said him. Even though he was best man and he was marrying for money...so they were loaded. My boyfriend asked him if I could be invited to the evening but he said no as the seating had already been arranged.
His friend never made any effort with me and it was only a year and a half after the wedding that I became friends with them on Facebook and saw her in the photos and she was on the front row of their photo!! I was absolutely devastated. Everytime this friend Alan visits I argue with my boyfriend as his friend shouldn't have invited his best friends ex. My boyfriend said he didn't tell me as he didn't want us to break up.
( He knew that it was bad...as I probably would of) He says to move on but I'm disgusted that it even happened. I mean why would an ex be as pathetic as going to a wedding of her ex boyfriends? She had to be so desperate. It's also the fact it was hidden from me hurt. It's been 5 years and it still affects me. Still with him though...

ChristmasSweet · 28/01/2020 17:35

Maybe they are friends? I’m still friends with my ex. I can imagine going as his +1 to a wedding.

Even if you had a partner, you'd take an ex just because you're friends? Hmm

Nah that's just weird. If you were single, fair enough although still weird. Why can't you just go by yourself? But with a partner is just rude.

I went to a wedding with my partner after a relatively short time together. I'd have been furious if he'd taken his ex and would have dumped him for even suggesting it.

It does sound op like he was seeing you both. And you're having problems anyway, give up on this one. There's plenty of loyal and less problematic men out there.

Microwavedtea · 28/01/2020 17:37

You've been having relationship problems from the beginning and now you're looking for a reason to leave it, just cut it off now.

ChristmasSweet · 28/01/2020 17:38

Spnelli you deserve better than that. Dump him. He lied to you about it and still chooses his friend over you. Always will.

LagunaBubbles · 28/01/2020 17:41

ZOMBIE

Bella2020 · 28/01/2020 17:42

Zombie thread!