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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this relationship is an utterly depressing tale of selfishness

115 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 13/12/2018 09:41

So, the story is that my Mum (DM) has a friend. Friend's daughter had a long term boyfriend, and a few years ago, they went down the usual path, got engaged, got married. DM went to the wedding.The marriage lasted less than 3 months, as daughter of mum's friend (DOMF) suddenly upped and left her husband. Nobody knew why, and the family were very upset for a while.

It then turned out that DOMF had been having a long standing affair with her boss (starting before she got married), who was unfortunately married with 2 young children. After she had got married , she realised she had made a big mistake and was in love with the boss man, so left her new husband.

They dilly-dallied around for a while, trying to stay apart, but eventually they couldn't fight it, and boss man left his wife and young family to be with DOMF.

Both couples get divorced, and DOMF and boss man get married. DOMF then of course decides she wants children. Problem is, Boss Man has had the snip, as he was obviously clearly content with the family he previously had. So he goes for a reversal.

For whatever reason they still can't conceive naturally, so they go down the IVF route. About 5 or 6 rounds later, DOMF eventually gets pregnant, and has now just had a baby.

So, mumnetters, is this a tale of true love overcoming all obstacles, or just a totally sad and joyless tale of 2 very selfish people who didn't care what lives they destroyed as long as they got what they wanted?

I should add that this has absolutely no impact on me, but as a wife and mother with a young family, it just makes me terribly sad to hear stories like this. The ex husband, ex wife and 2 young children all affected by their actions.

OP posts:

Russiawithlove · 13/12/2018 10:00

Often people reep what they sow

Russiawithlove · 13/12/2018 10:00

Just not immediately or to the outside eye

MissionItsPossible · 13/12/2018 10:03

If they got married and have had 6 rounds of IVF it sounds like it’s serious and not just a casual affair. But as you point out, it doesn’t impact you and it’s not really any of your business.

Doyoumind · 13/12/2018 10:04

If they are like the people I know who have done similar they won't think they have done anything wrong as they still love their children and they believe it won't have affected them. They think the jilted parties can move on. They are wrong.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2018 10:05

Often people reep what they sow
So infertility is a punishment for infidelity???

DeeStopia · 13/12/2018 10:07

I dunno. I think that it's a waste of a life for the DOMF and the boss to have wasted their lives in unhappy relationships, and it would have been unfair on their previous partners to go on if their hearts were elsewhere. I think it's better for the children to have parents who are happy apart than miserable together, too. (I was the child in a situation like this.)
They wouldn't have done this on a whim.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/12/2018 10:08

So, mumnetters, is this a tale of true love overcoming all obstacles well thry clearly do love each other and have overcome a lot for her to be a parent and him one again

or just a totally sad and joyless tale we'll is everyone still sad and joyless??

of 2 very selfish people well yes affairs are inherently selfish, as is going their gh with a wedding you know you don't really want to work
who didn't care what lives they destroyed as long as they got what they wanted? Well you'd have to know them personally to answer that. Just because they did something bad doesn't mean they don't care, but caring doesn't absolve them of blame

WaitingWatching · 13/12/2018 10:11

A pair of cheaters.

Whether they stay the distance with each other only time will tell I suppose.

But no I wouldn't be impressed.

justalittlebitsad · 13/12/2018 10:12

People make mistakes and sometimes that impacts on other people. In their heart of hearts I can't imagine they intended to hurt their wife/husband/mother but equally couldn't stay with people they truly didn't love.

We never know the full story when it comes to other people so it is best not to judge.

Chloe84 · 13/12/2018 10:12

Surely it's better for the ex of DOMF that they split before they had kids?

It's terrible for the boss's ex-wife tho.

What's done is done, I hope both jilted ex's can find peace.

Puggles123 · 13/12/2018 10:14

The cheating element is obviously not acceptable, but leaving partners as you’re in love with someone else is probably kinder in the long run. Ideally people would stay together, but do you not think the wife of the boss and the husband deserve to be with people who love them?

noego · 13/12/2018 10:17

The only thing that strikes me about this is all the dishonesty at the beginning of the story.

LanaorAna2 · 13/12/2018 10:21

Ye Olde Mumsnette in full force this morning.

Divorce is not an act of selfishness. But hey, punish the bitch with infertility and any other biblical plagues you can think of.

I hope the couple are really happy together - they fought hard to get there.

WaitingWatching · 13/12/2018 10:22

Surely it must be a weird relationship where you both know what betrayal you are capable of given a chance. Or maybe you both agree to be controlling and check up on each other to prevent cheating. I don't know how that would work.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 13/12/2018 10:27

Selfish. They probably do love each other now but they should never have put themselves into the position where they could fall in love.
The very fact that he was married with small children should have meant she backed off as soon as she felt an attraction to him and he should never have gone there.

morethanwethought · 13/12/2018 10:30

gosh was taken back to my Eng Lit A-level for a moment.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 13/12/2018 10:30

Well obviously the affair isn’t nice, but are people meant to stay with people they don’t like forever then?

ShartGoblin · 13/12/2018 10:33

The affair and marrying someone she didn't love was wrong and selfish but they must love each other to have broken up their marriages over it. If my DP left me for another woman I would be devastated but I think it would be better that it was for love. I would be incredibly bitter if they lasted a month or two and he'd thrown away our lives on a whim.

It's not a love story and it's not selfish and joyless, it is life. It started horribly but they didn't wreck their homes for a quick shag. I think I would forgive them and wish them luck.

CrookedMe · 13/12/2018 10:34

Well I doubt DOMF destroyed the life of a guy she had a very fleeting marriage with.

As for the rest - who cares? Why would you care enough to put her story on display like this?

convertingroom · 13/12/2018 10:34

Affairs are selfish and having a wedding while having an affair is even worse than "just" an affair

But in the long run it would have been more selfish to stay as they were...

At least the innocent spouses are free of them and can move on?

winsinbin · 13/12/2018 10:35

I don’t think it’s as black and white as a fairy tale or utterly selfish. My mum was totally judged when she left her DH after 14 months of marriage and ‘ran off’ with his mate. Particularly as she had one child by her DH and another one on the way. Her and the new husband were very happily married for over 30 years until his untimely death in his early fifties.

They might well have been selfish to do this. My brother and I were certainly effected by it as we grew up without knowing our biological father and it’s had an impact on our self esteem and sense of identity. OTOH her new husband was a truly wonderful stepfather (and eventually adoptive father) who I loved dearly and still miss nearly 30 years after his death.

Sometimes it’s better to end things if you know they are wrong. It is probably selfish but better than struggling on unhappily with the wrong person.

PinkHeart5914 · 13/12/2018 10:37

I wouldn’t want my dh to stay if he didn’t love and want me, would anyone want a partner to stay if they didn’t want to? In the long run it’s better if they leave

Yes affairs are of course wrong but people fuck up sometimes, nearly everyone has fucked up or hurt someone at some point

As for infertility being the punishment I mean come on they had an affair they didn’t murder a baby ffs

Pachyderm1 · 13/12/2018 10:39

I think it can be both. Relationships are complicated, and humans make mistakes. They have both behaved very selfishly, but that doesn’t mean they don’t also love each other very much.

It isn’t easy to be black and white about relationships. I think it’s fine to disapprove of the way they treated other people, as they behaved very selfishly. But that doesn’t mean they don’t also have a relationship with each other based on deep, real love.

PoorMansPeppaPig · 13/12/2018 10:42

I am quite shocked by this (and a couple of responses I've read). Yes, affairs are wrong and selfish - but in this case, given they both ended up breaking off with their original partners, got married and are clearly very committed to each other given they've undergone a lot of IVF, I don't really think its a waste of life at all!? They're likely very in love. What is selfish is if they'd have continued with their original partners when their hearts weren't in it...the others would never have realised and wouldn't have had the chance they deserve to go out and find partners who really care for them.

I think it's always very easy for people to judge others' actions. When it comes to affairs and relationships there is so much people outside of the situation don't know. If i'm being honest, I think you should just butt out - it's really absolutely nothing to do with you. People gossiping about situations like this is humiliating for all involved and just fuels the embarassment and hurt feelings that come with affairs and relationship breakdowns.

Shoxfordian · 13/12/2018 10:44

Its not selfish to leave a relationship that doesn't work for someone else. Do you think they all should have stayed married to the original partners and miserable op?

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