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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this relationship is an utterly depressing tale of selfishness

115 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 13/12/2018 09:41

So, the story is that my Mum (DM) has a friend. Friend's daughter had a long term boyfriend, and a few years ago, they went down the usual path, got engaged, got married. DM went to the wedding.The marriage lasted less than 3 months, as daughter of mum's friend (DOMF) suddenly upped and left her husband. Nobody knew why, and the family were very upset for a while.

It then turned out that DOMF had been having a long standing affair with her boss (starting before she got married), who was unfortunately married with 2 young children. After she had got married , she realised she had made a big mistake and was in love with the boss man, so left her new husband.

They dilly-dallied around for a while, trying to stay apart, but eventually they couldn't fight it, and boss man left his wife and young family to be with DOMF.

Both couples get divorced, and DOMF and boss man get married. DOMF then of course decides she wants children. Problem is, Boss Man has had the snip, as he was obviously clearly content with the family he previously had. So he goes for a reversal.

For whatever reason they still can't conceive naturally, so they go down the IVF route. About 5 or 6 rounds later, DOMF eventually gets pregnant, and has now just had a baby.

So, mumnetters, is this a tale of true love overcoming all obstacles, or just a totally sad and joyless tale of 2 very selfish people who didn't care what lives they destroyed as long as they got what they wanted?

I should add that this has absolutely no impact on me, but as a wife and mother with a young family, it just makes me terribly sad to hear stories like this. The ex husband, ex wife and 2 young children all affected by their actions.

OP posts:

KittyPerry77 · 13/12/2018 12:33

I don't see why having an affair whilst still being sexually active with the wife wouldn't qualify as sex rape with deception and be punished that way.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 13/12/2018 12:38

I don't see what relevance the IVF and wanting kids has. Often people think they're done with kids and change their mind due to a new partner.

Obviously getting married while having an affair (her) and having an affair while you have young kids (him) was very wrong but if they are going to hurt their partners/kids and break up their marriages I'd say at least they are doing it for a serious relationship.

GlasgowWorrier · 13/12/2018 12:39

Why is this whole tale related as if the poor targeted “Boss Man” was seduced, then pursued, then forced to abandon his small children, then drained repeatedly of his sperm to no effect, then marched to an IVF clinic, etc, etc?

Russiawithlove · 13/12/2018 12:43

It wasn't an affair if they ended up together.
I probably like many others have been there and thankfully we both got over the hurt and moved on to to happier marriages.
And we were both mature enough not to hold resentment towards each other.

To be that bitter and nasty to want to punish people leaving marriages is vile.
The poster who said it must be a very hateful, unhappy person.

MissRhubarb · 13/12/2018 12:49

My ex-husband left when my daughter was 2 years old. I found out some time after that he'd been having an affair during our marriage with the woman he "got together with" after we broke up and our divorce was going through. It took me a LONG time to come to terms with things. But, that said, there was a lot wrong with our relationship - a lot more than I realised at the time. I can see now that he and his new wife are much more compatible than we ever were (I don't like her as a person, but I can see how they work as a couple). He remains a great dad to my 13 year old DD. I'm happy now with someone else as well - took a while as this is about 11 years later. But if you look at it from the outside (as you're doing OP) then it is "husband leaves wife without warning 2 years after their child is born". As someone else said, no one knows what goes on within a marriage or inside two people's heads apart from the two people within it. Best not to judge I find.

LastInTheQueue · 13/12/2018 12:54

OP, what would you rather they do?
They fell in love, tried to stick to their original relationships and that didn’t work. Would you rather they had lived lives of deception and misery?

SerenDippitty · 13/12/2018 12:59

Well obviously the affair isn’t nice, but are people meant to stay with people they don’t like forever then?

I think people are meant to not pursue a relationship with people they know are not available and have children, or even if they Don't.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 13/12/2018 13:01

No, it doesn't strike me as an inspirational tale of love overcoming all. It's their own business, of course, but I'd be annoyed if someone (the new couple? the woman's mother?) was going around trying to paint them as the Perfect Couple with such a romantic past, overcoming all those obstacles in the name of True Love. At that point, you're just inviting (silent) judgment.

Russiawithlove · 13/12/2018 13:04

SerenDippitty
It always takes TWO. People have a choice on both sides

caperplips · 13/12/2018 13:11

I don't know what I think of it all really.
It is selfish but also it is bad to stay in a relationship if you are unhappy and / or making the other person unhappy.

Having said that, I know someone who was married with kids, she ran off with someone younger than her oldest kid, had a baby with him and then he left her.
Her exhusband and first family of kids were heartbroken and had not seen it coming.

Now she's single and spends her life on FB / social media moaning about how hard it is being a single mum. I secretly feel very judgemental as she self-inflicted the entire situation!

The funny thing is her DS is now the age her toy-boy was when she met him and got pregnant and if that happened to her ds (woman old enough to be his mother with 3 teenage kids hooks up with him and immediately has a baby) she would quite literally claw her eyes out!

Double standards! (can you tell I don't like her!)

DaysOfCurlySpencer · 13/12/2018 13:19

It will be fine until he falls in love with another employee and it all happens again.

JinglingHellsbells · 13/12/2018 13:20

OP's comment who didn't care what lives they destroyed as long as they got what they wanted?

I think it's rather dramatic to talk of 'lives being destroyed' .

Marriages break down all the time- 40% of them in fact.
You might make someone very unhappy if you leave them when they don't choose that. Children may be very sad to be apart from one parent. (But hey- MN is full of advice that children are 'resilient' and 'better off than staying with parents who don't get on'- so which is it?)

To say a divorce destroys someone is giving a whole lot of power to the person who leaves.

The person who was left may in time be thankful and find a new relationship that is better.

In this case they each sound young enough to start over again.

DaysOfCurlySpencer · 13/12/2018 13:21

Or, a bit less likely I suppose, she gets another job and breaks up another 2 marriages to be with her new boss.

Russiawithlove · 13/12/2018 13:25

JinglingHellsbells I totally agree.
There are too many women who fall apart when their husbands leave. It's tough but if you deal with it maturely it's not a life sentence of misery.

Sometimes you just have to stop with the woe is me and become a bit more self reliant.

Shit happens. That is life.

BrokenWing · 13/12/2018 13:32

What part are you actually sad about?

Relationships break up and people don't stay together in relationships that don't work out for them. Sometimes dc are involved which is sad that they don't have perfect parents that love each other, but it happens all the time.

They cheated on their spouses. Morally reprehensible, but no that uncommon and I assume not the first people you know of that have done this.

Their fertility issues are totally separate, and anyone struggling to have a child has my sympathy.

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 13/12/2018 13:36

It would have been better for the guy to leave his wife before he cheated in the first place because he likely had not been in love with her for awhile, but selfish cheating assholes are rarely so considerate.

blueshoes · 13/12/2018 13:37

yes, selfish and leaving a trail of unhappiness in their wake. But at least they now have their baby, so their happiness makes up for it.

MrsAjar17 · 13/12/2018 13:50

It’s a sad and joyless tale of two selfish people getting exactly what they wanted unfortunately!

Letshopeitsallok · 13/12/2018 14:03

That’s like saying it wasn’t stealing if the person catches you and then says well keep it anyway. The intent to deprive by deception was still there just as much as if the person called the police.

ChanelPlease · 13/12/2018 14:04

It will be fine until he falls in love with another employee and it all happens again.

Yes, I couldn't be with someone who was happy to deceive and lie because obviously I'd end up being on the receiving end of it one day. Selfish liars dont change.

Letshopeitsallok · 13/12/2018 14:05

That was in response to It wasn't an affair if they ended up together.

BobLemon · 13/12/2018 14:20

While some of the answers stray into some quite alarming suggestions, it’s rather heartwarming that the majority are open minded and empathetic. Which I must admit I wasn’t expecting! Y’all on good form today you MNers ❤️

Rednaxela · 13/12/2018 14:28

People frequently confuse the toughness of being responsible for babies and toddlers with falling out of love with the other parent.

There should be a law against divorce when kids are under 5. People should be forced to have counselling instead and learn how to communicate!

So I'm in the camp of wait and see what happens when this new baby is 2 years old

JinglingHellsbells · 13/12/2018 14:31

@itsgoodtobehome

You have thrown in this hand grenade and disappeared.

You sound a right opinionated old so and so.

IMO you are far worse than these twopeople because you spend your days passing judgement on other people when you have no idea what really went on in those marriages.

either of the spouses who were left might have been dreadful people behind their 4 walls. You have no idea.

It's not an excuse to have an affair but does it really matter that much of there was someone else before or after he / she left? It looked as if it was going to happen anyway sooner or later.

I think you need to learn about compassion and not spend so much time being a judgy pants.

JinglingHellsbells · 13/12/2018 14:32

There should be a law against divorce when kids are under 5. People should be forced to have counselling instead and learn how to communicate!

You are mad. Seriously.

So what about women in abusive marriages? Or men?

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