To think this relationship is an utterly depressing tale of selfishness

[itsgoodtobehome]

So, the story is that my Mum (DM) has a friend. Friend's daughter had a long term boyfriend, and a few years ago, they went down the usual path, got engaged, got married. DM went to the wedding.The marriage lasted less than 3 months, as daughter of mum's friend (DOMF) suddenly upped and left her husband. Nobody knew why, and the family were very upset for a while.

It then turned out that DOMF had been having a long standing affair with her boss (starting before she got married), who was unfortunately married with 2 young children. After she had got married , she realised she had made a big mistake and was in love with the boss man, so left her new husband.

They dilly-dallied around for a while, trying to stay apart, but eventually they couldn't fight it, and boss man left his wife and young family to be with DOMF.

Both couples get divorced, and DOMF and boss man get married. DOMF then of course decides she wants children. Problem is, Boss Man has had the snip, as he was obviously clearly content with the family he previously had. So he goes for a reversal.

For whatever reason they still can't conceive naturally, so they go down the IVF route. About 5 or 6 rounds later, DOMF eventually gets pregnant, and has now just had a baby.

So, mumnetters, is this a tale of true love overcoming all obstacles, or just a totally sad and joyless tale of 2 very selfish people who didn't care what lives they destroyed as long as they got what they wanted?

I should add that this has absolutely no impact on me, but as a wife and mother with a young family, it just makes me terribly sad to hear stories like this. The ex husband, ex wife and 2 young children all affected by their actions.

Lol BobLemon well said. And then 8 mins later Rednaxela mentions a law against divorce with young kids and FORCING people to have counselling.

You know where you can stick that law. If I'd lived with my ex any longer id be doing time now.

If it's alright with the judge and jury of mumsnet I think I'll reserve my compassion for the 2 spouses that were cheated upon

What a lot of interesting and varying opinions.

@jinglinghellsbells - sorry for disappearing - I was too busy getting on with my empty life

To those who said that it doesn't impact on me, so why should I even comment. Well, I think this is just a classic case of today's disposable society. Disposable marriage, disposable kids, disposable family. Don't like the one you have, ditch them and get a new one. I just find it depressing.

I suppose I am also slightly biased by the fact the DOMF is apparently a bit of a spoiled princess, and what she wants, she gets. Other woman's husband - tick, baby with a man who didn't want any more - tick. I'm just waiting for karma to come and bite her on the ass!!

What strikes me most is your judgement of this woman who you don't even know. Wishing karma on her?! Ffs she isn't even your friend it's all 4th hand gossip from your mum's friends daughter.

Have you even begun to imagine what you don't know? There will be so many complicated, details to this story that you will never know. Because it's none of your business.

There should be a law against divorce when kids are under 5. People should be forced to have counselling instead and learn how to communicate!
So you think a woman who lives with someone who swears at her every day should just stick with it, eh? Someone who humiliates her? What about a man who is perhaps beaten by his wife when she's pissed? That's a good atmosphere to raise a child, is it? And how about people who are just unhappy with each other, who make themselves miserable and wish they could just be apart and find contentment? What about those who would be better parents if they could finally be happy away from one another?
You must live a sheltered and ignorant life to be able to write something so horrible that will make lots of the parents who read this post feel like shit.

There should be a law against divorce when kids are under 5. People should be forced to have counselling instead and learn how to communicate!

Oh I fell for this and DID try to raise a child in an abusive marriage till 5 and DID try counselling

It was the worst thing I ever did for my child

It’s not great and I can’t help judging an acquaintance who had an affair with a colleague and is now married to him. It’s all just a bit grubby. That said, it’s not really anyone else’s business so I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

It’s so easy to see life in black and white though isn’t it? And any left partner as an innocent victim when you have no idea what actually has gone on in the marriage prior to those partners finding other people and leaving.

And you know, perhaps if society was more accepting of the fact that it is ok to leave a marriage because you were unhappy, less people would actually cheat on their partners. You only have to look at the relationships boards and read messages where a man has told his partner that he’s not sure he feels the same way any more,and the first response is always “I guarantee he’s met someone else.”added to which, I know someone who left an EA marriage who was told by friends or family that the only reason to leave a marriage should be physical violence or adultery. Yes, friend had an affair, but that affair enabled all the emotional abuse (isolating her from friends and family, preventing her from working etc) she’d gone through beforehand. To be forgotten and suddenly she was branded a homewrecking slut and him an innocent victim of her betrayal. Funny how years on it was he who walked away from his children to set up home with someone else, and his family now have a better relationship with her than with him because he has all but abandoned his kids. But keep believing that this all just happened because of the affair because it suits the narrative to believe it.

That doesn’t mean that there aren’t some absolute bastards who leave their partners for someone else. But it doesn’t mean that everyone who does is a bastard either, or that any bad things that happen to them are the result of what they have done. By that token, what had the left partners done to deserve being left? After all, if one thing is karma then surely the other is as well? No? Well then it doesn’t follow does it?

And if after years they are still together and married and have gone through the heartache of trying for more children, I think it’s fair to say that it’s not necessarily just a case of a quick shag splitting up an innocent family.

I also know a couple who got together in similar circumstances. She wasn’t married, but he was. He left his DW, married the woman who was the OW a couple of years later, he had also had a vasectomy after fathering three children but the reversal didn’t work so they had IVF and she got pregnant with twins. One of them was stillborn and the other has severe sn. Seventeen years later the couple are still together.The children of the first marriage have an exceptionally close relationship with both of them and their brother. So is a dead baby and one with severe SN deserved then? Anyone who believes that is a far worse person than anyone who leaves their partner IMHO.

@itsgoodtobehome
You sound incredibly jealous of her actually OP. Not to say a horrid person.
Especially this part...

I suppose I am also slightly biased by the fact the DOMF is apparently a bit of a spoiled princess, [and I am jealous of her] and what she wants, she gets. Other woman's husband - tick, baby with a man who didn't want any more - tick. I'm just waiting for karma to come and bite her on the ass!!

Another more caring, pragmatic response could be..

"I feel sorry for someone who made such a huge mistake by marrying the wrong person. It must be awful to admit to the world that you made a mistake like that after only 3 months of marriage.

Both she and the man she married next were married when they met; it isn't perfect to start things like this, but it happens. I guess they each tried to make it work with their spouses, but sometimes it doesn't no matter how much you want it to.

It must have been very hard for him to leave his family- not an easy decision at all- and I expect he feels guilty all of the time. He must have been really committed to having a family with his new wife to under the reversal operation and then pay for 6 rounds of IVF.
Hopefully everyone involved will now be happier and the spouses who were 'left' will see the marriages were not sustainable and may meet other people too."

Ha - there is always one on MN who resorts to the ‘you must be jealous line’. Yup, you got me, totally green eyed at this seedy, grubby mess of a relationship . I am actually more concerned that there are people out there that can even defend this couple.

It must have been very hard for him to leave his family....or he could have said, actually DOMF, I’m married with 2 children so let’s not even go there with this flirting or whatever it was it started with.

I agree that we seem to live in a deeply selfish, disposable society, where everyone and everything can be thrown away if you no longer want it. I see it said all the time that ‘being unhappy is enough reason to leave’. That’s not reason enough to leave a marriage when children are involved. It isn’t about you anymore, it’s about them, and providing them with a stable home.

If your husband is an otherwise decent man who loves his children, I think it’s selfish and irresponsible to leave. We’re led to believe that happiness is the ultimate goal in life - it’s not. Taking on some responsibilities and bettering yourself and your family is the aim, and happiness will come along if you’re lucky.

I’m actually a bit gutted that it took a whole 4 pages until someone played the ‘you sound jealous’ card

It must have been very hard for him to leave his family- not an easy decision at all- and I expect he feels guilty all of the time

Well cry me a river. Who’s choice was it to leave? Too right he should feel guilty. Perhaps if he’d done the decent thing and stuck with his wife and kids he wouldn’t feel so bad

He didn't want anymore children with his ex. He clearly desperately wanted one with his current wife.

@Bernina - yes because children are such lovely accessories. Oh, I don’t think anymore will go well with this wife, but the new wife would suit them so well, I’ll just get a few more.

Thing is, while I can see all this bitterness and recrimination surfacing during/after the event, when we’re talking years later, with more children etc in the mix does anyone really still care? And if so why?

If the man really was that much of a bastard you’d assume that the ex wife will have moved on, rebuilt her life and be glad that he’s no longer part of it. If years and years down the track she’s still bitter, full of recriminations and turning her children against him then that probably says a lot about what was wrong with the marriage in the first place and why he left.

There should be a law against divorce when kids are under 5. People should be forced to have counselling instead and learn how to communicate!

wat?

The fact you responded so vehemently to the 'jealous' comment seems to prove the point . Nerve hit?

Or maybe it was because you waited to wish her karma and gave your long tick list of how she gets what she wants.

I often feel MN is another planet.

In Rl, this kind of thing goes on all the time. I'm a lot older than you OP and I've lost track of the marriages amongst friends, neighbours, relatives, acquaintances, colleagues etc that have ended in divorce.

Considering it 40% of marriages that do end in divorce, most of us know a lot of divorcees. Sometimes they left for someone else, sometimes not. It's actually happening right now in my extended family. HE will be seen as the villain, leaving her and 2 adult children, but the other side is she perhaps pushed him away by being a complete and utter b...ch for years.

So unless you know the people intimately, and are in the same house and know what goes on, wind your neck in.

You know NOTHING about the marriage and it's none of your business.

As someone who lost friends when my seemingly happy (but secretly sexless and emotionless) marriage broke down, may I offer some advice.

You will never EVER know what went on behind closed doors, which is more important than your judgements. Why did DOMF marry her first husband in the first place? Why did she and boss have an affair? What was it about their respective spouses that meant they no longer wanted to be with them? Was there abuse? A sexless marriage? Financial difficulties? These are questions far too complicated for the average outsider to be concerning themselves with, and given that "an outsider" is essentially what you are, you need to stop giving it even a moment's thought.

Yes, affairs aren't great, but no human is infallible, and at least the ex wife and ex husband can now be with people who genuinely want to be with them. But, as importantly, the children don't have to grow up in a household where their dad no longer loves their mum, because that, I am sure, is very unhealthy.

I would only hope that if DH left me, it would be for a serious affair, rather than a fling. What's the point of all the destruction otherwise?

I bet you that the are anything but gleeful about the hurt they have caused.

I guess they each tried to make it work with their spouses, but sometimes it doesn't no matter how much you want it to.

Yes she tried to make it work for three whole months. She really gave it her best shot didn’t she?

**A pair of cheaters.

Whether they stay the distance with each other only time will tell I suppose.

But no I wouldn't be impressed.**

^I agree

Just because his wife was the mother of his kids doesn't make her innocent and lovely. Same with domfs husband. How do you know they're totally innocent wonderful victims. They could have driven their partners away. I don't agree with cheating. I have never cheated. But sometimes relationships don't work.

jinglingbells what exactly am I supposed to be jealous of? Should I wish that my husband leaves me and my family for another woman? Or should I be wishing to run off myself? I'm not sure which situation you would like me to be jealous of?

How do you know you are much older than me btw?