To refuse to do housework anymore?

[Ellalavella]

I'm so, so angry!

DH and I both run our own businesses and are mostly based at home. We have 3 DC. DH wants to live in a show home but never lifts a finger to enable this. He does no housework, cleaning or tidying, and seems to think that the house should be my priority and that I should fit my business in around making the house perfect.

Yesterday I was working and he suddenly decided that 'we' would instead spend the day decluttering and when I said no, I was working, he went off on a rant about how I don't keep the house clean and tidy enough and that I should do it in the day while he's busy working.

It made me so angry and I have now said to him that I am no longer doing any housework. If he wants to live in a fucking showhome he can get a cleaner or do it himself and that from now on I won't be placating him and I will be spending all my available time building up my business! I have said too that I am no longer going to placate him by not spending money on things like clothes, and am going to just spend and take care of myself as I wish!

All of his friends treat their wives with kid gloves on and their wives don't have to do any cleaning, they have cleaners and his friends do the cooking etc. The wives all have nice clothes and have their hair done etc rather than going without like I have had to!

AIBU to just stop doing housework? I will of course make sure the kids are well cared for but anything else in the house can go to fuck and he can do it himself. I've told him he can leave if he doesn't like this!

Yanbu. Good for you OP! Stick to your guns. Your DH sounds like a twat.

I wouldn't do jack shit except for myself and the kids. And wouldn't share money with him, either. Split the bills and that's it. Yep, he can leave if he wants. Sounds like you'd be better off without him.

He always makes me feel like some sort of failure if the house isn't immaculate. I'm sick of having to do it all.

Get a cleaner and tell him to move out if he isn’t happy. Not in that order.

Funniest thing is he makes so much fucking mess and doesn't even shut drawers or cupboards after he's opened them. So fucking cheeky expecting me to be his skivvy

YANBU at all OP. Why on earth would you skivvy for someone who treats you like that? He’s not your boss. Time to remind him of that.

Why the hell have you enabled this shit for so long and will ‘going on strike’ really do anything to change your H’s misogyny? I suspect that an epiphany won’t be forthcoming but an escalation of hostilities will. It’s time to sit down and sort your issues out constructively like grownups, rather than this tit for tat nonsense.

Well the housework still needs to be done, but if I were you, I'd be telling him to fuck off and get his own show home, and I'd do my own,

Oh believe me I have tried but he won't ever discuss it and just ignores me. He basically wants me to do as he says and shut up.

Then just don't do it anymore at all. I'd have stopped that long before it got to 3 kids. Actually, I'd be divorcing him because I couldn't live with someone who saw me as a skivvy. Don't hire a cleaner. Another thing for you to police. Fuck that. Just do for yourself and the kids. He ignores you, you ignore him then.

Why does he think you should do all the housework or the childcare?

Do you work fewer hours than him? Does your business make less than his?

Not suggesting those are valid reasons, just wondering how he justifies exempting himself from the chores...?

I think he sees it all as women's work! He seems to think that women should do it all. My business does make less than his but not for long as with the extra hours I'll be putting in I can grow and develop it and earn a lot more.

He seems to want to hold me and my business back.

You’re his live in maid. Congratulations you married a misogynist cunt bucket.
LTB.

I get this - Entrepreneurs can be a) utterly single minded and b) work aholics and expect everyone around them to facilitate this.

I have to bully DH in to taking time even at weekends and getting even small things done - one or two jobs a week and if he thinks he can get away with it he leaves it - there is a row brewing about the hoovering that didn't get done when I was away last week.... I have a riot of dust bunnies...

Oh and did I also mention that we have three dogs, that he chose to get, and whom I am expected to look after and clean up after. Don't get me wrong I love them all dearly and they have a lovely life but be won't ever clean up after them

and am going to just spend and take care of myself as I wish! I've told him he can leave if he doesn't like this!

It doesn't really sound like a marriage does it. I can't even figure out from your post where you two act like a married couple at all. It sounds more like two Richard Bransons housesharing!

Yes definitely stop! If DH dared to make a comment about our home I’d have him doing it all.
I’d love a cleaner and when I’m working full time I see that as a saviour for our marriage

Me? Richard Branson? I wish! I'm a skivvy who is expected to clean and tidy up after DH all day and fit my 'little business' in when he agrees I've done my chores

I think if your husband wants you to do some decluttering you should agree and start by getting rid of him! Honestly he sounds deeply disrespectful of you and so selfish that he's unlikely to change. Sorry OP.

I always think if one person has a particular thing they want doin, they should facilitate that.
I like my house to be very clean and organised, DH likes it acceptably clean. He does Chris to make it his version of clean, and I then finish them to make it mine. I appreciate it's my issue liking it cleaner than him. He does pull his weight though, and isn't angry when I present him with a list.
I think your DH has a fundamental lack of respect for you, and what you do. He wants a maid, one who will shut her mouth and get on. He doesn't see you as an equal.
If you both have enough money for a cleaner, I don't see why you shouldn't have a cleaner. But the things you have said about how his friends treat there wives make me think there are more significant issues here.
Like him not showing he loves and respect to you in any way, let alone cherishes you and wants to spoil you.
I think you are perfectly within your rights tor Eduardo to clean any,ore, as whatever you do is met with distance, and if it's so important to him, he will either do it or pay someone else. It isn't actually your job.

This is identical to my situation!!! DH and I constantly argue cause I leave the mess (just the usual child toys maybe a few bits of toast shoved in lightning mcqueens truck few dishes in the sink) until the kids go to bed and tidy up then, when their out the way. but he thinks I should constantly be tidying/bleaching/hoovering through the day and still watching the children at the same time. By any chance did his mother wait on him hand and foot cause that’s what happened with mine and it sure as hell did him no favours!

I'm sick, so excuse typos and random male names!

Good for you, you could point out that the extra money you will be generating will cover the cost of a Cleaner

YANBU, obviously. What a twat he is. What does he think you do all day? That your business runs itself?

Get rid of the H. It is not possible to change a man whose core belief is that women exist to service men.
Spend a little time getting all the relevant information together (knowledge of his finances would be useful as self-employed abusive men are likely to hide money rather than pay maintenance for their DC), your legal position regarding the house and whose name it is in, etc. Then tell him what's happening - you are divorcing him, you'll be moving out with DC or he needs to move out, or the house will be sold etc. You do not need his permission or co-operation to get rid.
Though do tread carefully, especially if there is any history at all of abusive behaviour from him in terms of pushes, slaps, threats, destroying your property etc. A man who thinks his female partner is somewhere between pet and servant can escalate quickly to physical abuse if he spots disobedience.