To refuse to do housework anymore?

[Ellalavella]

I'm so, so angry!

DH and I both run our own businesses and are mostly based at home. We have 3 DC. DH wants to live in a show home but never lifts a finger to enable this. He does no housework, cleaning or tidying, and seems to think that the house should be my priority and that I should fit my business in around making the house perfect.

Yesterday I was working and he suddenly decided that 'we' would instead spend the day decluttering and when I said no, I was working, he went off on a rant about how I don't keep the house clean and tidy enough and that I should do it in the day while he's busy working.

It made me so angry and I have now said to him that I am no longer doing any housework. If he wants to live in a fucking showhome he can get a cleaner or do it himself and that from now on I won't be placating him and I will be spending all my available time building up my business! I have said too that I am no longer going to placate him by not spending money on things like clothes, and am going to just spend and take care of myself as I wish!

All of his friends treat their wives with kid gloves on and their wives don't have to do any cleaning, they have cleaners and his friends do the cooking etc. The wives all have nice clothes and have their hair done etc rather than going without like I have had to!

AIBU to just stop doing housework? I will of course make sure the kids are well cared for but anything else in the house can go to fuck and he can do it himself. I've told him he can leave if he doesn't like this!

Yep he finds something to moan about whatever I do. Last Friday night he went out to the pub and I spent the entire time cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom. He got home and was saying 'did you miss this bit' and looking for cobwebs on the cooker hood. He'll also always make statements about things in the house that aren't up to his standard but won't clean or sort them!

Leave him!!!! He's really awful!

I'm so sorry, he has confused the roles of H and boss! Oh dear...

You will never ever win with your husband. He is abusing you. Staying with him will be a life wasted.

Seriously?! Do you actually love this tosspot?! Think of what message you’re both sending to your children!! Joining the cries of LTB!

Two things stand out for me.

1. He wouldn't "allow" you to rest after the birth of your child.

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. Who does this absolute bastard think he is, your lord and master? To not allow a post partum mother rest because clearly the housework is more important - if that isn't abuse, I don't know what is. Many abusive men show their true colours when their partners are pregnant or have given birth because that's when women are most vulnerable.

1. You admit he is holding you and your business back. Housework is a red herring for control over you.

Who could you be without this abuser controlling and demeaning you?

I'm sorry OP. I absolutely hate this man. He is a vile bully with no compassion who expected you to do housework after having newly given birth. I really can't get past that and I could never forgive that. And if you're being honest you haven't forgiven him either.

So he's not just useless he's nasty with it. Honestly i couldn't open my legs for a 'man' like that, not even with a vice.

And as for him looking for cobwebs.... tell him from me this: the only cobwebs to be found are the ones festooning his sexist views that woman are solely responsible for the housework

Are there any jobs that he does that are definitely his?

Can you start to treat him like he treats you - so for example, if he mows the grass - point out where he hasn't done it very well, where it is going to cause problems to the dc, where he hasn't done the edges neatly and so on... Even if he's done it reasonably well, you need to really nit pick so that he starts to experience just a little of the misery that he is inflicting on you...

Another tactic is to tell him to grow up and stop behaving like a spoiled brat, that he is half of a partnership not ruler of a dictatorship. And that just because he doesn't like doing these things or want to help out for the common good well surprise, you don't like doing them either and if he is not prepared to put the effort in, do his full fair share of the work then tough, he doesn't get a say in how you do things. at all. And any time he tries to tell you that you are doing things wrong, then cut him off straight away with a nope, not listening until you are doing it too. and then wander off to do something else...

Easy to say I know, harder to do, but imagine doing it and practising in your head first, including several comebacks to how you think he might react, so you are ready when you do try this in real life.

Good luck!

Dear god, he's fucking abusive.

Last Friday night he went out to the pub and I spent the entire time cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom

Why on earth are you enabling him to behave like this!? Ridiculous. I have no idea why you are still with him.

OP, how’s the lack of housework doing?