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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do housework anymore?

87 replies

Ellalavella · 23/05/2018 09:16

I'm so, so angry!

DH and I both run our own businesses and are mostly based at home. We have 3 DC. DH wants to live in a show home but never lifts a finger to enable this. He does no housework, cleaning or tidying, and seems to think that the house should be my priority and that I should fit my business in around making the house perfect.

Yesterday I was working and he suddenly decided that 'we' would instead spend the day decluttering and when I said no, I was working, he went off on a rant about how I don't keep the house clean and tidy enough and that I should do it in the day while he's busy working.

It made me so angry and I have now said to him that I am no longer doing any housework. If he wants to live in a fucking showhome he can get a cleaner or do it himself and that from now on I won't be placating him and I will be spending all my available time building up my business! I have said too that I am no longer going to placate him by not spending money on things like clothes, and am going to just spend and take care of myself as I wish!

All of his friends treat their wives with kid gloves on and their wives don't have to do any cleaning, they have cleaners and his friends do the cooking etc. The wives all have nice clothes and have their hair done etc rather than going without like I have had to!

AIBU to just stop doing housework? I will of course make sure the kids are well cared for but anything else in the house can go to fuck and he can do it himself. I've told him he can leave if he doesn't like this!

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 23/05/2018 10:43

What a horrible existence, cow-towing to a bully! My DH is like this. I have totally disengaged with it as he does nothing. I was not put here to clean up after someone else.

Fuck him off! Can't stand this kind of thing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/05/2018 10:44

Bloody good for you - although why you put up with that crap for so long is beyond me.

I really don't understand how many women on here are in this situation!

Stick to your guns, OP. That outdated and sexist behaviour needs to change.

Thebluedog · 23/05/2018 10:46

Of course YANBU

Tools down and stick to it... he’s holding you back with regards to the business because WHEN you’re more successful than him, he’ll lose some ontrol over you (and his massive ego won’t like it either).

As for the dogs, stop cleaning up after them too. As you said make sure, you, the dc and the dogs are cared for. As for closing draws, cleaning up, poo picking. That’s all up to him now. If/when he complains simply tell him you’ll start to pitch back in when he will sit and talk to you and you can both agree a chores rota AND a change in attitude

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2018 10:47

Do you even like him? Let alone love him? Because there don't seem to be any redeeming features.

How old are your children?

Tinkobell · 23/05/2018 10:59

Oh go girl! I have exactly the same problem with my DH. He walks around scruntinizing crap with a face like a bloody insurance assessor....but does he ever lift a finger to tidy or scrub a loo? Nope. I, right there with you!

TatianaLarina · 23/05/2018 11:03

GFI.

Now if he fails to keep on top of maintaining the house immaculately, you can blame him.

Original poster
Ellalavella · 23/05/2018 11:37

Oh the house will be a tip within about 2 days!

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 23/05/2018 11:44

And it’s all his responsibility now... 👍🏼

Motoko · 23/05/2018 12:05

Why are you women putting up with men like this still?

It's no good moaning about it, men won't change while there are still women who put up with this misogynistic shit. Leave the bastards to rot in their foetid shitholes, and teach your children that this is not ok.

Motoko · 23/05/2018 12:06

Oh, and have some respect for yourselves.

dancinfeet · 23/05/2018 12:07

15 years ago I could have written this. This sums up the attitude of my ex husband in a nutshell. He expected me to do all of my work from home and the housework, as well as looking after the children whilst he was at work, and would complain if the house wasn't spotless.
Best thing I ever did was leave him.

Original poster
Ellalavella · 23/05/2018 12:35

One of the things that gets me the most is that he makes out that I'm such a failure for not meeting his standards of a domestic goddess. Thing is, even if the house was pristine and I spent all day baking cakes he would still find fault with me and how much I had/hadn't done.

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 23/05/2018 12:37

Is his mother a domestic goddess? That's often where they set the bar

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 23/05/2018 12:55

I have now said to him that I am no longer doing any housework. If he wants to live in a fucking showhome he can get a cleaner or do it himself and that from now on I won't be placating him and I will be spending all my available time building up my business!

I dont think this is the right attitude. Surely its up to both of you to make sure house work gets done? Perhaps better to say that you won`t do any housework until you sit down and agree how it should all be shared out/allocated

TatianaLarina · 23/05/2018 13:43

even if the house was pristine and I spent all day baking cakes he would still find fault with me and how much I had/hadn't done

No doubt you’re aware this isn’t just about housework. It’s just a stick to beat you with and keep you down.

pinkyredrose · 23/05/2018 13:54

Has he ever done any housework?

NoSquirrels · 23/05/2018 14:01

Rather than just refusing, don't you need to examine both your responsibilities and needs and go from there?

For instance, if his business out-earns yours by 5X, say, and he needs to work X hours to make/sustain that, then if he were to cut back on hours to do housework you need to cost that up and figure out the opportunity cost of X hours loss of income (vs hiring a cleaner, for example). If he earns £30 per hour, then a cleaner at £10 per hour ought to be an option.

Similarly, if your business only currently earns £X, and your spend Y hours on it (because you are currently devoting more time to cleaning and chores) but if you spent longer then you could earn more, you need a figure on that.

If he is a businessman, approach it in a business plan way.

In fact, if you are running your own business and building it up, you need to understand your own per-hour earning potential anyway, so you can be clear about where you are investing time and effort.

TatianaLarina · 23/05/2018 14:43

I think she’s right to go on strike so that he experiences her life of being fully responsible for the house. Only then will he understand and appreciate the point of dividing up chores.

Having said that it’s clear from the OP’s posts that if they could resolve this issue, his negativity will shift to something else as it’s a form of control.

NoSquirrels · 23/05/2018 16:53

it’s clear from the OP’s posts that if they could resolve this issue, his negativity will shift to something else as it’s a form of control

One-sided narratives will give one side. I've no idea if her DH is a controlling miserable arse (likely) or a bloke who works a lot and could be tidier who feels he's carrying most of the income-earning burden (possible). We've got no idea about the OP's finances, which is quite key when you have 2 self-employed businesses and a family to support.

I am totally on the side of women not to put up with unequal domestic shit. But there is always a discussion to be had about the whys and wherefores if it is unequal - is it that way because he wants to be controlling, or because there's something else going on?

TatianaLarina · 23/05/2018 17:04

Who’s earning what is completely irrelevant.

FeckinCrunchiesInTheCar · 23/05/2018 17:09

What he's doing to you qualifies as abuse.

Tell him to fuck off; the lazy, arrogant, entitled, sexist prick.

blackteasplease · 23/05/2018 17:15

Been there, divorced that.

You are worth more than being someone's skivvy ans placating them!

NoSquirrels · 23/05/2018 17:26

I'm not sure you can say "who's earning what is completely irrelevant", though. Much as I'd like to!

I won't be placating him and I will be spending all my available time building up my business! I have said too that I am no longer going to placate him by not spending money on things like clothes, and am going to just spend and take care of myself as I wish!
But can you afford this? Is he just a mean miserable bastard who denies you things, or can you as a household not afford it? Does he spend on himself when you have to scrimp etc?

All of his friends treat their wives with kid gloves on and their wives don't have to do any cleaning, they have cleaners and his friends do the cooking etc. The wives all have nice clothes and have their hair done etc rather than going without like I have had to!
As above. Can you afford the lifestyle all "his friends wives" have?

I mean, certainly he sounds like an arsehole from what you have written. I'd be raging too if I had to pick up shit from 3 dogs, and 3 kids, and a giant mysogynistic prick of a DH who never lifted a finger.
But is it because he has to work all hours and your business is just getting started etc?

Cos OP must have liked him enough at some point to have 3 DC with him, so presumably this isn't "just what he's like" but it has somehow evolved into this hotbed of resentment and nastiness.

Wineandrosesagain · 23/05/2018 17:42

Dear god op! I have a headache reading this. Your DH is a lazy sexist arse and he won’t change. Tell him to fuck off and find himself another skivvy. No idea why women stick it out with such twats. Life is short. Get rid and you’ll enjoy yours much more I can guarantee it.

RandomMess · 23/05/2018 18:04

So he will criticise regardless??? Does sound like you need to build up your business then split...

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