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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do housework anymore?

87 replies

Ellalavella · 23/05/2018 09:16

I'm so, so angry!

DH and I both run our own businesses and are mostly based at home. We have 3 DC. DH wants to live in a show home but never lifts a finger to enable this. He does no housework, cleaning or tidying, and seems to think that the house should be my priority and that I should fit my business in around making the house perfect.

Yesterday I was working and he suddenly decided that 'we' would instead spend the day decluttering and when I said no, I was working, he went off on a rant about how I don't keep the house clean and tidy enough and that I should do it in the day while he's busy working.

It made me so angry and I have now said to him that I am no longer doing any housework. If he wants to live in a fucking showhome he can get a cleaner or do it himself and that from now on I won't be placating him and I will be spending all my available time building up my business! I have said too that I am no longer going to placate him by not spending money on things like clothes, and am going to just spend and take care of myself as I wish!

All of his friends treat their wives with kid gloves on and their wives don't have to do any cleaning, they have cleaners and his friends do the cooking etc. The wives all have nice clothes and have their hair done etc rather than going without like I have had to!

AIBU to just stop doing housework? I will of course make sure the kids are well cared for but anything else in the house can go to fuck and he can do it himself. I've told him he can leave if he doesn't like this!

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 23/05/2018 10:11

tbh I don't think it matters how his friends treat their wives (you never know what a relationship is really like). You don't need external validation from his male friends to justify your decisions.
Get a cleaner. Stick to what you said.
But also have a long, hard think about your relationship because you seem to hate your DH and he seems like a controlling chauvinistic arse.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/05/2018 10:13

So he not only makes you do all the housework, but he stops you spending money on yourself?

What an utter twat. Your business is just as valid as his, and you are just as valid as a human being as he is. He just doesn't get that, does he?

I bet his mum did everything when he was growing up and his dad never lifted a finger, am I right? You can choose either to drag this dinosaur into the twenty first century (from, approximately, the eighteenth) or kick him into next week. I know which I'd do.

GreyCloudsToday · 23/05/2018 10:13

Good for you! Now DON'T back down. You need to keep this up

DuchyDuke · 23/05/2018 10:14

I wanted to get a cleaner as I have a stressful job, dh shouted me down, and now he does everything. The house is a tip because he’s crap but it’s no skin off my nose as I keep things I use hygenic & my family and friends know what he’s like.

CucumberTea · 23/05/2018 10:14

No man's dick is too big that he can't reach the sink.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/05/2018 10:15

YANBU OP

Tell him to go fuck himself. Your post has made me s angry, especially his attitude to your "little business", Fuck that for a game of soldiers. As for giving you orders...wtaf? Who the hell does he think he is?

Original poster
Ellalavella · 23/05/2018 10:16

Zap, that's exactly how I feel, that he doesn't actually think that I'm a person too!

Even when I'd just given birth to our youngest and been really ill I was just expected to get home and get on with everything. No resting allowed.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 23/05/2018 10:17

OP. are you logging in under a different name at times? I am trying to work out why some of your posts are highlighted and some are not

Original poster
EllaLavella · 23/05/2018 10:18

I'm on my phone and it shows my old user name so I have to keep changing it before I post. All my posts look highlighted to me though.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 23/05/2018 10:19

this last reply you made is not highlighted. It's odd.

TheMaddHugger · 23/05/2018 10:20

Mostly just pointing this out as readers dont always read all the posts, and may miss half your posts

Original poster
Ellalavella · 23/05/2018 10:20

Oh right. It's highlighted on my phone in the thread.

OP posts:
Shantotto · 23/05/2018 10:23

OP I don't think this can be fixed. The more you post the more he sounds like a controlling possibly financially abusive twatbag.

TheMaddHugger · 23/05/2018 10:24

and this last reply IS highlighted. seems every second post of yours in Highlighted

The replies ibetween are not.

How Odd

Shantotto · 23/05/2018 10:25

OP there's the odd capital L on lavella on some posts which is throwing things off.

JamPasty · 23/05/2018 10:26

Seriously - leave him. Apart from anything else, you don't want your kids growing up thinking that sort of behaviour is normal

MumofBoysx2 · 23/05/2018 10:27

Just clear up anything you have made so his clutter is the stuff that stands out!

rookiemere · 23/05/2018 10:28

Your H sounds like an absolute prize - YANBU at all - particularly about the dogs, how bloody dare he get 3 dogs then expect you do to everything related to them.

Not really in the theme of things but I'd recommend getting a robot hoover if you haven't already - tis a great time saver. Sorry - not helpful for giving up housework theme though !

TheMaddHugger · 23/05/2018 10:28

Shantotto Wed 23-May-18 10:25:33
OP there's the odd capital L on lavella on some posts which is throwing things off.

aha, Many Thanks I 'm dyslexic and can't tell the difference between capital and lower case L l

GabsAlot · 23/05/2018 10:29

no resting allowed?

why are you still with this man

TheMaddHugger · 23/05/2018 10:30

I'll stop Hijacking the post now My Bad, Missed the point of the post.

This might be my second ever > LTB

Wdigin2this · 23/05/2018 10:37

Bloody hell woman, get a cleaner, pay for it out of a joint household account. Go get your hair/nails/massage done on a regular basis....and buy a new frock once in a while. Don't ask permission.....just do it!

makeitalargegin · 23/05/2018 10:39

My ex was the same, note ex. Used to say things 'a women should not be changed to the kitchen sink, she can't get to the rest of the house then'. Angry

He has a new skivy partner who does it all now.

And I couldn't be happier, in my non show home. Grin

Izzywigs · 23/05/2018 10:39

It is amazing how quickly my OH got a cleaner and an ironing lady once I put my foot down after a blazing row

At first he would just clean up his own stuff, so it looked like me and the kids were the messy ones. Any job he did do previously would take him forever. The cooker would practically be dismantled rather than wiped over, with much tutting and sighing. Then,when he started to do his own washing and ironing, What a palaver. He would spend the whole of Sunday Morning doing his ironing. Each shirt would take forever, and then he would iron tshirts and underwear. Each item being hung around the living room until it looked like a Chinese Laundry.

The irony of that was that the blazing row was because he had taken something from the bottom of the ironing pile and everything else had fallen over and had to be ironed again.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/05/2018 10:41

Do you think there's also a case of cabin fever here? You say you both work from home, so essentially your work and home lives have conspired to keep you both in proximity for literally the entire day.

That said, his attitude towards you is appalling and whilst going on strike might make appear to make a small difference it really is minor in the bigger picture of your marriage and how you treat each other. Are you both able to communicate effectively?

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